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Grinn News Service (March 23, 2003)
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Jocko Grinn
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Mar 23, 2003 17:42 PST
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Brothers Grinn present our March 2, 2003,
edition of The Markle City WOW!
Our "Gulf War II" series!
Day 5
FRENCH, U.S. RELATIONS IN LE TOILETTE
Chirac tells Bush: Give us back the Statue of Liberty
By Jocquo Le Grinne
(Grinn News Service) -- Tensions between France and the United States
continued to deepen Saturday as U.S. officials heightened their
restrictions on French terminology and France asked for the immediate
return of the Statue of Liberty.
The latest actions reflect a widening rift between the two nations,
begun when Rep. Bob Ney, R-Ohio, ordered the word "french" dropped from
menu items served to members of the U.S. House of Representatives March
11, because France would not back a U.S.-led war against Iraq.
At the time, French officials downplayed the significance of the change,
noting that french fries come from Belgium.
But by March 19, French officials had changed their tune, and it wasn't
"Frere Jacques."
"It has come to our attention that many English words are derived from
the French language owing to the Norman conquest of 1044," a letter from
French President "Blaque Jacques" Chirac stated. "Such use is expressly
not authorized, and request is made forthwith for you to remove all
French influences from American English, or we will be forced to seek
legal action against you."
The letter also stressed the deep love France has for America, and
expressed a desire that the two peoples continue to walk forward in
harmony once America realizes its idiocy, stops being so arrogant, and
removes its head from its posterior.
Chirac's letter triggered an avalanche as the American Kennel Club
renamed the French poodle breed to the Liberty poodle — making it an
even more annoying breed than before — and American pet stores began
refusing to sell frogs.
Under the direction of Homeland Security Adviser Tom Ridge, the FBI and
CIA began investigating for suspicious activity some 10,000 Americans on
Thursday who still play the French horn and prefer French bread to
Italian and prefer French wine to German beer.
France retaliated by ordering its embassies to pretend not to know
English when answering the phone or communicating with American
officials. The reprisal ultimately was deemed ineffective as American
dignitaries were unable to detect a change in policy.
Relations continued to deteriorate when House Majority Leader Tom DeLay,
R-Texas, said if it hadn't been for the United States, France would be a
part of Germany. France responded by ceding its sovereignty to Germany
and asking the German military to resume the occupation it ended when
driven out by Allied forces near the end of World War II.
By Friday, relations between the two nations were at their lowest since
a first-season "Simpsons" episode in 1990 sent Bart Simpson to France
and revealed the secret role antifreeze plays in French winemaking.
Chirac's request that the United States return the Statue of Liberty,
given by the French in 1884, came late Saturday, after President Bush
accused the French textile industry of supplying Iraqi dictator Saddam
Hussein with a steady supply of berets during the past 12 years, despite
an official trade embargo with Iraq.
"If they want the Statue of Liberty, I say we should make them take back
the entire Louisiana Territory and all the Democrats who live there,"
DeLay retorted during discussion on the House floor. "And we want a
refund, with interest."
Chirac agreed to take title to states in the former Louisiana territory
at France's first convenience, but insisted his nation would pay no
money for the land until it was restored to its pre-American state.
"It was bought from the Emperor Napoleon under duress anyway," Chirac
said.
In a strongly worded resolution, the United Nations warned France and
the United States to start behaving nicely or risk another strongly
worded resolution.
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II. WE GET LOTS OF MAIL
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Dear Jocko:
This is not a good time to spoof the US Military. The most recent
mailing was in extremely poor taste. As a military veteran I cannot
condone this type of humor.......
-- Tracy Spencer
Dear Bracy:
Poor taste? Poor taste? If you want poor taste, you should try Smirkov's
cooking.
-- Jocko
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III. LINKS
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http://www.teachervision.com/lesson-plans/lesson-5353.html
As a service to teachers no longer allowed to sing "Frere Jacques" with
their children, we offer this link to other translations of the song now
known on Capitol Hill as "Freedom Jack."
http://www.msnbc.com/news/889577.asp
Newsweek reports that the CIA has been calling Saddam Hussein's generals
in a grueling form of psychological warfare. Most audaciously, they're
also reversing the charges.
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IV. COPYRIGHT NOTICE
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"Chicken Soup for the Soulless" are parodies of those bits of
inspirational mail, chain letters, and numerous spams that people use to
prettify other people’s e-mailboxes.
("Chicken Soup for the Soul" is a trademark of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Enterprises. If you habitually get such things confused, perhaps you
think irritating longstanding allies by dropping their name from our
language is good diplomacy.)
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5. Where would the United States be without France? Well, in Iraq for
starters ...
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