Brothers Grinn mailing! (Sept. 10)
Sep 09, 2005 08:50 PDT
The Brothers Grinn present the September 10, 2005,
edition of The Markle City WOW
"If it's fit to print, we don't bother"
News briefs from Grinn Wire Service:
POLL: AMERICANS LIKE HIGH GAS PRICES
Americans not only enjoy paying $3 or more per gallon at the pump, many of them would like to pay more, a recent survey has found.
The survey, conducted by ExxonMobil, asked viewers if they would prefer to spend their life savings on gas over the course of six months, or if they would rather be locked in a closet overnight with a sweaty Jack Black while he recites "The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner" using the voice of Miss Piggy.
The survey showed that 84 percent of all male motorists prefer to spend their extra money on gas, with the number dropping significantly, to 4 percent, if they were locked in the closet with Scarlet Johannsen instead of with Jack Black.
The number of women who preferred to spend their money on gas hovered around 80 percent, regardless of whether they were locked in a closet with Jack Black or with Scarlet Johannsen. The number of women who would rather pay at the pump rose sharply to 98 percent when the alternative was to be locked up with Ashton Kuchner.
"America will never allow itself to be locked in a closet with anyone," said analyst Ron Milton of Catasauqua University in eastern Pennsylvania. "It's our right to squander natural resources, waste our wealth, and poison the air. Buy more SUVs! We're Americans."
Survey results have a margin of error of plus or minus 50 percent.
BICYCLISTS JOIN EVOLUTION DEBATE
A group of Kansas bicyclists have joined the debate in that state over whether to teach Intelligent Design as a viable scientific theory alongside evolution.
The group, a wide mix of professionals who have decided to save gas by riding their bikes to work, have rallied together under the banner "Natural Selection, not Intelligent Design." The bicyclists are taking their message to the state's highways, where they expect to get the widest possible audience.
"It's the only way I know how to get to work anyway," explained Robin O'Connor, as she pedaled her bike onto a busy interstate and was immediately hit by a tractor trailer going 90 mph.
So far, about forty percent of the group's founders have given their lives for the cause. The remaining members explain that they will continue to carry the mission forward until they have proven that natural selection has guided the human evolutionary process by eliminating those unfit for survival, such as people who ride their bikes on highways with no shoulders, just to make a point.
Despite their unorthodox method of argument, their efforts have received attention from the Kansas State Board of Education and caused a few members to reconsider their position.
"I had always thought that life was so complex and wonderful that it had to be the work of an intelligent designer," said one board member who has supported the Intelligent Design position in the past. "But these idiots are making quite a good argument against any intelligence being involved in any way in their origin."
BILL O'REILLY STOPS TALKING
Last night, Bill O'Reilly, host of FOX News Channel's "The O'Reilly Factor," declared that he had nothing important to contribute to any pertinent discussion in today's culture and would launch a moratorium against speaking for an unspecified amount of time.
"I'm sick of having an opinion," said O'Reilly. "So I'm going to shut my yap and listen to what other people are saying. I know it will be a difficult road ahead, but I'm convinced this is the right direction for all of us - and if you don't like it, you can stick your you-know-what in your thingamajig, you commie pinko terrorist slimebag. And I really mean that."
"The success of Bill's new strategy runs against every expectation of this network," says network executive Lytton B. Chump, "but we hope to see it continue for months to come. People are channel-surfing to his show in droves just to see him say nothing at all, and advertisers are paying top-notch dollars for TV spots."
O'Reilly's critics insist that his entire career is built out of saying nothing - a charge to which O'Reilly remained silent.
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