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The Markle City WOW (Nov. 14, 2005)
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Smikov Grinn
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Nov 14, 2005 08:43 PST
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Mobsters oppose anti-interrogation measure
Claim threat to protecting 'legitimate business interests'
MARKLE CITY, Ill. - (Grinn News Service) A prominent Mafia crime family is threatening reprisals if a new municipal ordinance goes through that would enact strict punishments for encouraging stool pigeons to sing.
City Councilman Sean McCain, whom mobsters in nearby Chicago "worked over" for 36 hours during the 1970s, has introduced an ordinance that would make such coercion tactics illegal. The measure enjoys broad support on City Council, despite threats to rub out anyone who votes in support of the ordinance.
Deputy Mayor Rich Cheney, claiming to represent "several fine, upstanding legitimate businessmen in town," had met with McCain and other council members on the Public Safety Committee to arrange exemptions for Laundromat owners and the police, sources in City Hall said. Committee opposition to any such exemptions has become stronger than ever after one member's French poodle named Fifi disappeared.
Opposition to the measure has come largely from organized crime elements in Markle City. The Agricola crime family in particular has been lobbying hard against the proposal in the wake of rumors that it maintains interrogation centers in several abandoned factories in the industrial sector of the city's East Side, including the derelict Heritage Milk bottling plant.
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The Agricola family has refused comment, either to confirm or deny rumors that it is holding several suspected police informants in industrial properties that it owns.
From within the family have come some voices of concern that opposition to the anti-brutality measure has damaged the credibility of various money-laundering fronts within the Markle City Chamber of Commerce and eventually may lead to decreased profits at Agricola-owned Laundromats around the city.
George Agricola, the acting head of the family since his uncle, Don Agricola, took a leave of absence from the business five years ago to go on an extended swim at the Markle City Aquarium, said that such attitudes do not represent the official view of his family.
"The Agricola family does not condone torture," said Agricola, also known as the Shrub. "But you have to understand that it's vitally important for us to protect our business interests. People who do not pay their insurance premiums, who fail to pay for the protection they receive from us, or who threaten the privacy of our business dealings are not people. They are animals. They are filth. They are Satan's toe jam, and they deserve whatever happens to them."
Agricola's statements became difficult to follow at this point as they were interrupted by several loud screams and intermittent pleas for mercy.
"We're a legitimate business," Agricola said after the background noise had subsided. "We would never harm anyone."
'Godless' mayor extends hand to Pat Robertson
Televangelist's net worth decimated by disastrous acts of God
DOVER, Pa. - (Grinn News Service) The mayor of this small town reminded Pat Robertson that God's patience is not infinite, after a series of freak natural disasters destroyed the televangelist's broadcasting network and personal assets in a single day.
Robertson on Thursday had warned the people of Dover that they had voted God out of their city and that they should not look for divine assistance when disaster comes. The city residents had voted out of office all eight members of their board of education who had required teaching Intelligent Design alongside evolution.
Mayor Tom Murphy was sympathetic to Robertson's plight, and offered to let help set him up at a hotel in San Francisco while insurance adjusters looked for loopholes in Robertson's policies.
The lightning storms crippled Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network during the opening moments of the 700 Club. It was followed immediately by reports of an outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease among Robertson's prize Arabian horses and, from South Africa, news that diamond mines where he was an investor have been socked with massive liability claims that could run him into the millions. His private residences also reportedly have been struck by a series of highly localized magnitude 9 earthquakes that left neighboring properties completely unaffected.
"God's patient, Pat," Murphy said Friday afternoon after the unusual string of disasters, "but we shouldn't presume on his patience forever, especially if we're going to keep putting our feet in his mouth."
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WE COULDN'T MAKE IT UP
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U.S. begins work to stem flow of refugees across gulf
Following the devastation unleashed by Hurricane Katrina, the U.S. Navy has revealed that highly trained dolphins, armed with poison darts and trained for black ops, are loose in the Gulf of Mexico. Thank God they weren't equipped with high-powered scope rifles. From The Guardian.
The Ministry of Silly Primates
British comedian John Cleese, known for playing a hotel proprietor on "Fawlty Towers," solicitor Archie Leech in "A Fish Called Wanda," and Nearly Headless Nick in the Harry Potter movies, as well as a part or two in an overlooked British show called "Monty Python's Flying Circus," has a new role: Namesake of a species of lemur, because of his advocacy for lemur conservation. Not to be outdone, the U.S. Navy wants to name a new submarine after Graham Chapman.
Woman wants to be put back
Taking "Hey, I didn't ask to be born" to a new level, an Australian woman has filed that country's first wrongful-life suit, arguing that she should have been aborted rather than having to live with birth defects. The doctor has offered to set her up on a blind date with a dolphin who works with the U.S. Navy.
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LEGAL STUFF
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Brothers Grinn, BrothersGrinn.com, Cousin Otto, Grinn News Service, Jocko Grinn, Markle City, The Markle City WOW, Smirkov Grinn, and other distinctive characters and institutions created by the Brothers Grinn, and their images and likenesses are the intellectual property and trademarks of Ravensmyth Corp. Unauthorized use strictly prohibited, used here by permission. Ken Collins would make a good name for a dolphin species when he's not interrogating pigeons.
Chicken Soup for the Soulless is a parody, and has no relationship to Chicken Soup for the Soul, which is copyright by Chicken Soup for the Soul Enterprises.
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NONLEGAL STUFF
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Have something to say about the news in today's WOW? Write to Cousi-@brothersgrinn.com and sound off. We reserve the right to publish letters in a later mailing, especially if you hate us.
If you're getting this mailing, either the military is using it as a form of torture to break you, or it's because you're subscribed to the Brothers Grinn, in which case you deserve whatever you get. To get it your own copy, write to brothersgrin-@topica.com before the dolphins get you.
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Original humor at www.BrothersGrinn.com!
(c) Copyright 2000-2005 by Ravensmyth Corp.
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1. Contents may forwarded with URL (www.BrothersGrinn.com) and copyright notice intact.
2. Contents may be posted on another site with URL link and copyright notice intact.
3. Contents may NOT be published in other mediums than those listed here, without prior permission of Ravensmyth Corp. Permissions are available at permis-@BrothersGrinn.com.
4. The Brothers Grinn make a compelling argument against Intelligent Design, don't they?
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<H1>Mobsters oppose anti-interrogation measure</H1><I>Claim threat to
protecting 'legitimate business interests'</I><BR> <BR>MARKLE CITY,
Ill. - (Grinn News Service) A prominent Mafia crime family is threatening
reprisals if a new municipal ordinance goes through that would enact
strict punishments for encouraging stool pigeons to sing.<BR><BR>City
Councilman Sean McCain, whom mobsters in nearby Chicago "worked over" for
36 hours during the 1970s, has introduced an ordinance that would make
such coercion tactics illegal. The measure enjoys broad support on City
Council, despite threats to rub out anyone who votes in support of the
ordinance.<BR><BR>Deputy Mayor Rich Cheney, claiming to represent "several
fine, upstanding legitimate businessmen in town," had met with McCain and
other council members on the Public Safety Committee to arrange exemptions
for Laundromat owners and the police, sources in City Hall said. Committee
opposition to any such exemptions has become stronger than ever after one
member's French poodle named Fifi disappeared.<BR><BR>Opposition to the
measure has come largely from organized crime elements in Markle City. The
Agricola crime family in particular has been lobbying hard against the
proposal in the wake of rumors that it maintains interrogation centers in
several abandoned factories in the industrial sector of the city's East
Side, including the derelict Heritage Milk bottling plant.<BR><BR><!-- HTML to Copy Starts Here --><!--Note: For correct presentation of the form, leave HTML formatted *as is*. -->
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Agricola family has refused comment, either to confirm or deny rumors that
it is holding several suspected police informants in industrial properties
that it owns.<BR><BR>From within the family have come some voices of
concern that opposition to the anti-brutality measure has damaged the
credibility of various money-laundering fronts within the Markle City
Chamber of Commerce and eventually may lead to decreased profits at
Agricola-owned Laundromats around the city.<BR><BR>George Agricola, the
acting head of the family since his uncle, Don Agricola, took a leave of
absence from the business five years ago to go on an extended swim at the
Markle City Aquarium, said that such attitudes do not represent the
official view of his family.<BR><BR>"The Agricola family does not condone
torture," said Agricola, also known as the Shrub. "But you have to
understand that it's vitally important for us to protect our business
interests. People who do not pay their insurance premiums, who fail to pay
for the protection they receive from us, or who threaten the privacy of
our business dealings are not people. They are animals. They are filth.
They are Satan's toe jam, and they deserve whatever happens to
them."<BR><BR>Agricola's statements became difficult to follow at this
point as they were interrupted by several loud screams and intermittent
pleas for mercy.<BR><BR>"We're a legitimate business," Agricola said after
the background noise had subsided. "We would never harm
anyone."<BR><BR><BR>
<H1>'Godless' mayor extends hand to Pat Robertson</H1><I>Televangelist's
net worth decimated by disastrous acts of God</I><BR> <BR>DOVER, Pa.
- (Grinn News Service) The mayor of this small town reminded Pat Robertson
that God's patience is not infinite, after a series of freak natural
disasters destroyed the televangelist's broadcasting network and personal
assets in a single day.<BR><BR>Robertson on Thursday had warned the people
of Dover that they had voted God out of their city and that they should
not look for divine assistance when disaster comes. The city residents had
voted out of office all eight members of their board of education who had
required teaching Intelligent Design alongside evolution.<BR><BR>Mayor Tom
Murphy was sympathetic to Robertson's plight, and offered to let help set
him up at a hotel in San Francisco while insurance adjusters looked for
loopholes in Robertson's policies.<BR><BR>The lightning storms crippled
Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network during the opening moments of
the 700 Club. It was followed immediately by reports of an outbreak of
foot-and-mouth disease among Robertson's prize Arabian horses and, from
South Africa, news that diamond mines where he was an investor have been
socked with massive liability claims that could run him into the millions.
His private residences also reportedly have been struck by a series of
highly localized magnitude 9 earthquakes that left neighboring properties
completely unaffected.<BR><BR>"God's patient, Pat," Murphy said Friday
afternoon after the unusual string of disasters, "but we shouldn't presume
on his patience forever, especially if we're going to keep putting our
feet in his mouth."<BR>
<P>
<HR align=left width=250>
WE COULDN'T MAKE IT UP
<HR align=left width=250>
<A
href="http://observer.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,,1577753,00.html">U.S.
begins work to stem flow of refugees across gulf</A><BR>Following the
devastation unleashed by Hurricane Katrina, the U.S. Navy has revealed
that highly trained dolphins, armed with poison darts and trained for
black ops, are loose in the Gulf of Mexico. Thank God they weren't
equipped with high-powered scope rifles. From <A
href="http://observer.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,,1577753,00.html">The
Guardian.</A><BR> <BR><A
href="http://channels.isp.netscape.com/news/story.jsp?flok=FF-APO-1402&;idq=/ff/story/0001%2F20051111%2F0942790108.htm&sc=1402&floc=isp-23&related=off&from=ent">The
Ministry of Silly Primates</A><BR>British comedian John Cleese, known for
playing a hotel proprietor on "Fawlty Towers," solicitor Archie Leech in
"A Fish Called Wanda," and Nearly Headless Nick in the Harry Potter
movies, as well as a part or two in an overlooked British show called
"Monty Python's Flying Circus," has a new role: Namesake of a species of
lemur, because of his advocacy for lemur conservation. Not to be outdone,
the U.S. Navy wants to name a new submarine after Graham Chapman.
<BR> <BR><A
href="http://www.courttv.com/scripts/features/clickBack.asp?tempV=149155&;urlP=/news/2005/1110/harriton_ctv.html">Woman
wants to be put back</A><BR>Taking "Hey, I didn't ask to be born" to a new
level, an Australian woman has filed that country's first wrongful-life
suit, arguing that she should have been aborted rather than having to live
with birth defects. The doctor has offered to set her up on a blind date
with a dolphin who works with the U.S. Navy.<BR> <BR>
<HR align=left width=250>
LEGAL STUFF
<HR align=left width=250>
Brothers Grinn, BrothersGrinn.com, Cousin Otto, Grinn News Service, Jocko
Grinn, Markle City, The Markle City WOW, Smirkov Grinn, and other
distinctive characters and institutions created by the Brothers Grinn, and
their images and likenesses are the intellectual property and trademarks
of Ravensmyth Corp. Unauthorized use strictly prohibited, used here by
permission. Ken Collins would make a good name for a dolphin species when
he's not interrogating pigeons.<BR><BR>Chicken Soup for the Soulless is a
parody, and has no relationship to Chicken Soup for the Soul, which is
copyright by Chicken Soup for the Soul Enterprises.<BR><BR>
<HR align=left width=250>
NONLEGAL STUFF
<HR align=left width=250>
<P>Have something to say about the news in today's WOW? Write to <A
href="mailto:Cousi-@brothersgrinn.com">Cousi-@brothersgrinn.com</A>
and sound off. We reserve the right to publish letters in a later mailing,
especially if you hate us.</P>
<P>If you're getting this mailing, either the military is using it as a
form of torture to break you, or it's because you're subscribed to the
Brothers Grinn, in which case you deserve whatever you get. To get it your
own copy, write to <A
href="mailto:brothersgrin-@topica.com">brothersgrin-@topica.com</A>
before the dolphins get you.
<HR align=left width=250>
Original humor at www.BrothersGrinn.com!<BR>(c) Copyright 2000-2005 by
Ravensmyth Corp.<BR>
<HR align=left width=250>
<BR>Note the following USE RULES:<BR>1. Contents may forwarded with URL
(www.BrothersGrinn.com) and copyright notice intact.<BR>2. Contents may be
posted on another site with URL link and copyright notice intact.<BR>3.
Contents may NOT be published in other mediums than those listed here,
without prior permission of Ravensmyth Corp. Permissions are available at
permis-@BrothersGrinn.com.<BR>4. The Brothers Grinn make a compelling
argument against Intelligent Design, don't
they?<BR></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></BODY></HTML>
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