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Difficult People-LL&L Monthly, March 2006
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Benjamin Devey
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Mar 16, 2006 16:38 PST
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Learning Love and Life
Monthly Relationships Newsletter
No. 146 - March 2006 ----------
Learning Love and Life is a free e-mail newsletter sent monthly to
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“Learning to Live with the Love of Your Life And Loving It!”
by Neil Clark Warren
http://snipurl.com/2iv
A couple years ago in “Learning Love and Life” we featured some coping
strategies from “Learning to Live with the Love of Your Life.” It’s a
great reference for getting past the daily irritations to make the best
of your love and yourself. “Learning to Live with the Love of Your Life”
http://snipurl.com/2iv
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Difficult People
Copyright (c)2005 by Benjamin Devey. All rights reserved.
Last time we talked about people who can drive you crazy with their
manipulation. A person who has a double standard is, as James put it,
“unstable in all his ways.” If he holds others to regimented
discipline, he wants slack for his own misconduct. He may expect the
troops to stay positive, while expressing negative thoughts about
virtually everyone. Or he expects undeviating quality, looking for every
little flaw, blind to the way his scrutiny creates the insecurity that
ensures sloppy performance.
Difficult people don’t see their behavior as the problem. The obstacles
are other people, situations, and the ineptitude surrounding them. The
same way a thief doesn’t trust others, a jerk sees and describes others
through the lens he uses to view the world.
He has hostile views toward others, impugning on them his mistrust.
Rather than recognize their best efforts, he views their self-protective
position as self-interest or betrayal. He doesn’t see that he maintains
the volatility that keeps people at a distance. So, he has a knack for
bringing out the worst in people around him.
One of the most valuable lessons you can learn from a jerk is how not to
be one yourself. You see, some of the traits of insensitivity and self
interest, that make a person difficult to be around may be a part of
each of us. Let’s look at some of the reasons jerks act the ways they
do.
Saving Face
I’ve always been amazed to see that a person, who seems to have few
scruples or standards to begin with, will defend his self-image with his
last breath. You’d think one with so little to lose might be less
concerned about how others see him, but the opposite seems to be the
case. The less a person is invested in virtues, the more he seems to
care about the impression he makes. He’ll go to great lengths to make
himself look good, even if it means destroying others in the process.
If you want to see an example of self-preservation at any cost, watch
any boardroom segment from Trump’s “The Apprentice,” an ongoing casebook
of what leadership is NOT about. If someone fouls up, the last thing a
contestant will ever do is admit his flawed judgment and say he deserves
the can. Instead, he justifies himself by casting dispersion on someone
else. The show’s executives themselves are not immune from the premise,
making people look bad to gloss their own image.
Look at the way senators want to blame anything whatsoever on the
opposition. Though political jousting is nothing new, the shameless
name-calling seems to have no limits. Utterly lacking in rationale, the
pugilists line up to appear on camera bashing someone’s reputation,
thinking it will put a cosmetic gloss on their own image when, in fact,
it only makes the blamer look baseless and dim-witted. Why all the hype?
Rather than be caught in a fault, jerks compound mistakes with lies.
They re-invent history, as if they never made the contradictory blunders
they’d rather forget. They get trapped in a web of their own deception,
thinking the snares they lay for their adversaries will make the
opponent look bad, but oblivious to the damage they create to their own
reputation. People seem to never learn the basic truth: if you try to
save face, you’re more likely to lose it by blaming someone else.
The real key to saving face is to recognize when you make mistakes,
admit the fault, accept accountability, and where possible, to remedy
the situation. When you accept personal responsibility for your actions,
people respect your character, in spite of your faults.
Next time, we’ll look at another lesson we can learn from difficult
people in our lives: how to make the best out of radar sensitivity.
Recognize that in our worst moments, we ourselves might be difficult to
be around. As we observe the humanness in those we work and live with,
we need to realize that we all have strengths as well as weaknesses. By
focusing on the positive, you bring out the best in yourself and others.
Bless Those You Love,
Benjamin
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READERS' FORUM:
Saving Face or Losing It?
How does blame prevent growth? Why is it so hard to say “It’s my fault?”
What happens when we accept responsibility for our decisions? Are the
consequences worse than what happens when we cover up?
We enjoy everyone’s thoughts. Thank you for sharing. In the Readers’
Forum we respect everyone’s opinions, so feel free to say what you
think. Share your ideas with the Love Discussion group. Post your
responses (to the whole group) at:
http://www.topica.com/lists/LoveTopics Your comments and thoughts are
welcome. If you would like to be included in the newsletter, please
mention in your e-mail: "You can print my submission in the Reader's
Forum section." Also, please write whether or not you want your first
name mentioned and the state or country you're writing from. You can
post online or send your comments or submissions to:
mailto:lear-@4u.net
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Copyright (c) 2005 by Benjamin Devey. All rights reserved. Permission is
granted for use on web sites, in news groups or mailing lists as long as
this file is left intact.
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