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Marriage -LL&L Monthly June 2006
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Benjamin Devey
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May 12, 2006 16:41 PDT
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Learning Love and Life
Monthly Relationships Newsletter
No. 148 - May 2006
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Learning Love and Life is a free e-mail newsletter sent monthly to
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The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work
A Practical Guide
from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
by John M. Gottman
http://snipurl.com/GottWed
In five minutes, Gottman, can predict--with 91 percent accuracy--which
couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs
of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing
passages from his sessions with married couples. Gottman debunks many
myths about divorce and reveals surprising facts about couples who stay
together. He shares experiences, quizzes, checklists, and exercises,
designed to spot weak spots and strengthen marriages.
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work
by John M. Gottman
http://snipurl.com/GottWed
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Marriage
(c) 2006 by Benjamin Devey
Last week, Robin and I celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary. As we
dined together, we were sentimental about our gratitude for each other
and for the blessing of being married. We were astounded at the
tastiness of the Tai Pepper House food, and the memory of the delicious
meal added to our happy memories of the day and our life together. We've
known each other now for 12 years. Through the ups and downs, the joyful
memories are the ones that last.
Marriage is much more than a random pairing of hearts: It's part of an
eternal plan for our progression and happiness. The essential roles of
husband, wife, father, and mother are the fundamental responsibilities
that support life, stability, and society. Some people today try to
twist truth inside-out, labeling values as worthless and wrong as
"rights." It's no coincidence that the foundations of marriage and
family are under attack. Activists intent on eroding the importance of
family; try to redefine marriage, diminish parenthood, or override the
responsibility for teaching and instilling values in children; they try
to replace what was meant to be with what can never take its place.
The world has developed a skeptical attitude toward marriage, buying
into a self-fulfilling, doomed outlook: that if half of marriages fail,
then they too may be in an ill-fated relationship. The practice of a
trial partnerships and prenuptials put participants into a losing game.
Think about it: would you keep rooting for you basketball team if the
players went into each game believing, "More than likely, we’ll lose
tonight. Again!" If the players performed with those expectations, in no
time, their dread would be justified, because they’d be losing all their
games, along with fans and franchises. It's no wonder too that marriage
is suffering in our society, as long as people believe in the possible
failure of their unions.
But if we take a positive view, nothing in the world could prevent us
from succeeding in our marriages. It's each person's job to make their
marriage a refuge of hope. You plant the seeds of faith and love that
will blossom and bear fruit over time. You nurture your love for your
spouse and tend to his or her needs and the demands of caring for your
relationship as a solemn responsibility.
A positive outlook will go a long way toward success in any
relationship. Follow these guidelines to enjoy a rewarding marriage:
First, take care of yourself.
The best thing you can do for a loved one is to be a whole, congruent
person yourself. Define your values, actively pursue your goals, and
better yourself toward your defined values. When you know who you are
and what’s most important to you, you have purpose in your life. It
matters more that you’re headed in the right direction with an eye on
the destination, than to have reached your goal. When two congruent
people share common values and dreams, nothing can get in their way.
By taking care of yourself, you don't come into a relationship needy,
expecting someone or something outside of your control to make you
happy. Fulfillment comes from within. Most relationships fail because
one or both partners expect the impossible of the other -- to complete
them and make them into a whole entity. A marriage of two halves leaves
a widening gulf in the middle. But when two complete people unite in
purpose, they are able to see ways to fulfill each other’s needs, while
taking care of their own.
Learn to subordinate selfishness for otherness.
A relationship is a shared experience, requiring an investment of time
and energy. Early in my marriage, I took on the task of arranging
instrumental versions of my songs. Nights I spent hours in the creative
work. One night, Robin expressed her concern that I was spending too
much time. I realized I was overlooking her need for togetherness for
something I wanted to do. I needed that lesson on perspective. We need
to look out for each other’s needs. Everyone should have a home team
advantage, where their most ardent fans support them and root for their
success.
Keep daily focus on your loved ones. Pray for each other. Keep a spirit
of gratitude, appreciation, and positive praise. Express thanks for your
loved one. Show your appreciation by helping out whenever you can. Put
time on your side -- make it an investment to value what is most
important. Take time, energy, and passion. Romance each other as if
you're still in the chase. Make your marriage an obsession.
The rewards can last forever. The things that matter most are the ones
that last the longest. Home, family, and loved ones bring the most
significant happiness. When people actively share the responsibility to
create a loving atmosphere, their bond of togetherness becomes a rich
tapestry of joyful memories.
Bless Those You Love,
Benjamin
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Copyright (c) 2006 by Benjamin Devey. All rights reserved. Permission is
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