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Disagreement-LL&L Monthly, Oct 2006
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Benjamin Devey
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Nov 02, 2006 13:51 PST
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Learning Love and Life
Monthly Relationships Newsletter
No. 152
September 6, 2006
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Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
And How You Can Make Yours Last
by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
Psychologist John Gottman has spent 20 years studying what makes a
marriage last. Now you can use his tested methods to evaluate,
strengthen, and maintain your own long-term relationship. This
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help you determine what kind of marriage you have, where your strengths
and weaknesses are, and what specific actions you can take to help your
marriage.
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DISAGREEMENT:
A KEY TO LASTING LOVE
by Benjamin Devey
What keeps couples together in satisfying marriage? For decades, Dr.
John Gottman of the Marriage Institute, studied factors that contribute
to long-term marital happiness. What keeps husbands and wives together
joyfully? Gottman's research turned up some obvious conclusions, some
surprises and overturned some assumptions. Toppled were several of
Gottman's previously-held beliefs as a marriage counselor, and several
methods taken for granted by the counseling profession.
The big surprises are the factors you think would play a big role that
don't show up on either list. Some of the main factors, sex, finances,
infidelity and communication, have less bearing on marital happiness.
But the study found that personality traits really contribute more to
the success of marriage than do external effects. It's the combination
of personalities that has the most bearing on happiness in marriage.
John Gottman has a knack for watching a couple interacting for a few
short minutes, and then predicting with 90 percent accuracy whether or
not their marriage will last in the long run. How does he do it? He
looks for the coping styles of each partner when they have disagreement.
Why is disagreement a factor? Isn’t it common sense that any amount of
disharmony is a predictor of marriage trouble? Not so. In fact, the
absence of conflict in a marriage might be predictive of dysfunctional
patterns that just might break a marriage apart.
The traits that contribute to unhappy, unstable marriages deal with
conflict management. Both conflict-escalating and conflict-avoidance
behaviors predict a rough relationship ahead. Both styles of dealing
with disagreement have a common root cause in selfish and
self-preserving behaviors that defeat unity in marriage. By escalating
or avoiding conflict, individuals ignore real issues and neglect to
contribute to the good of the relationship and the interest of the other
person. Here are common conflict styles that lead to breakdown in
relationships.
CONFLICT PREDICTORS
Anger/Reactions --
Temper, and stormy responses meant to hurt or wound. I rate these the
number one relationship killers anywhere.
Criticism --
Arguing, faultfinding, belittling and having to be right.
Contentiousness --
Holding grudges, bullying, badgering, intimidation and belligerence.
Defensiveness --
Passive/aggressive behaviors, sulking and wounded pride.
Avoidance --
Passive/aggressive, noncommittal agreement, denial, clamming up, going
into your cave or being oblivious to problems or conflict, and
maintaining the status quo
These conflict traits harm relationships by destroying trust. A person
who disregards or tramples a spouse's feelings makes it impossible to
surrender the tender emotions needed for lasting love and contentment.
Many of these issues never come up in the romance days of a whirlwind
courtship. These kinds of character flaws surface over time, while
working through the rough spots. This is just one reason it takes time
to build a successful relationship prior to marriage.
No one has mastered relationships. Married couples may consider
themselves as students still learning the skills of relating to each
other. People change over time. I notice that I do things differently
today than I did last year, and for different reasons. We're constantly
learning about ourselves and each other. It's an ongoing process.
Conflict relationship styles can be mended with a serious dose of
charity, patience and forgiveness. Let’s look at the predictors of a
happy marriage.
PREDICTORS OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE
The people who enjoy lasting, happy relationships share one main trait
in common. They allow differences and don’t feel threatened when their
opinions aren’t perfectly matched.
Happily married couples learn to be accepting. They take each other "as
is" and have given up fantasies of controlling and changing each other.
They understand that differences don't spell doom for the relationship.
They try to understand each other, rather than impose their own way upon
the other. They recognize the necessity to allow for personal agency,
giving each other the freedom of personal choice and preferences,
whether or not they come to the same opinion.
Happily married couples have learned positive ways of dealing with
conflict. They deal with the issues, rather than attack or defend
positions. They don't criticize each other. They constructively work
through challenges. Creative problem solving
What they share in common is the way husbands and wives relate to and
understand each other. They make a sincere effort to know each other.
This goes much deeper than the surface attraction of engaged couples. It
means understanding what your spouse is about -- how he or she thinks,
likes, feels, prioritizes and values. What is important to your spouse?
How do you please him or her? What does it take to make your spouse feel
valued and special? Recognizing those needs goes a long way toward
keeping your spouse happy.
People who are happily married keep things in perspective. They value
the relationship and don't let conflict overshadow the marriage. They
each assume that the other is operating with good intentions. They don't
generalize, exaggerate or minimize the problems that arise. They don't
make global accusations. They recognize the difference between vital and
nonessential issues
Anyone who knows how to be happy with others has learned to apologize.
Everyone is wrong sometimes. So what? Be submissive and admit it. There
is an art to offering apologies without attached strings. Accept
personal responsibility without further blame, rationalization, excuses
or justification. Become an expert apologist. It's something you don't
get good at without a lot of practice.
A married couple keeps the marriage relationship sacred. The emotional
support belongs in the relationship, not to outsiders (friends or
family). The first place to go to talk about your relationship is to
each other. If outside help is needed it should be sought together from
clergy or counseling.
Unity is a key to lasting happiness. Successfully married couples
consider themselves as equal partners. They share decision-making and
value each other's opinions and ideas. They share core values and seek
each other's happiness.
Positive interactions are vital to happy marriage. Married couples start
out with wonderful memories. When hard times come, we need to let the
good times influence the moment. We shouldn't let little (or big)
conflicts overshadow everything else that is good about the
relationship. Husbands and wives are both responsible for the direction
of their interactions. By keeping them positive, they build on the good
for every future memory. The precious years are now. Happily married
couples find ways to build on every day's success.
Bless those you love,
Benjamin
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SONGS FROM
AGELESS LOVE:
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Sixteen years of work, and I'm giving it away! What Am I thinking!
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SAVE on millions of other books at Amazon.com (while painlessly
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Getting Acquainted
What I'm Reading Now: Frank Abagnale, Jr., Catch Me If You Can, Book of
Amos
Recently Seen: How to Steal a Million, The Saint, Nova: Einstein's Big
Idea (WOW!)
Novel Progress: 42,500 words
Funny site: Wikipedia: Dualing with Insults:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Insult_swordfighting
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READERS' FORUM
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writing from.
Please send your comments or submissions to:
lear-@4u.net
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READERS' FORUM
How happy are marriages?
Do you generally believe in marriage? Or do you wonder how most couples
get together? Are you an optimist or a pessimist?
Share your ideas with the Love Discussion group.
Post your responses (to the whole group) at:
http://www.topica.com/lists/LoveTopics
Your comments and thoughts are welcome. If you would like to be included
in the newsletter, please mention in your e-mail: "You can print my
submission in the Reader's Forum section." Also, please say whether or
not you want your first name mentioned and the state or country you're
writing from.
You can post online or send your comments or submissions to:
lear-@4u.net
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Copyright (c) 2006 by Benjamin Devey. All rights reserved. Permission is
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