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No.1 Challenge-LL&L Newsletter-Sept 07
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Benjamin Devey
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Sep 07, 2007 16:04 PDT
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Learning Love and Life
Monthly Relationships Newsletter
No. 162, September 2007
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Learning Love and Life is a free e-mail newsletter sent monthly to
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Review: Orbiting the Giant Hairball
By Gordon MacKenzie
Orbiting the Giant Hairball is a guide to chaos, confinement, and
creativity. As an artist, I’ve worked most of my career in the corporate
world (the Hairball). The paradox is that creation takes an entirely
different set of rules (mainly the defiance of them), which puts
creativity at odds with the organizational compulsion of the Hairball…
<Read more--Click on the link below and click “Yes” if the review is
helpful to you>
http://snipurl.com/hairorb
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The #1 Challenge
Copyright 2008 by Benjamin Devey
Crystal finds dating frustrating. Her efforts could only be described as
a string of disappointments. All the good guys are gone. Just when she
thinks something might work out, the relationship cools or turns for the
worse. When she finally meets the kind of guy she could marry and settle
down with, she becomes increasingly defensive. Every time she’s liked a
guy, the romance goes from passionate to passive, losing the original
friendship. Crystal has almost given up on the prospect of finding an
ideal match.
Susan watches helplessly as her husband distances himself from church
activity. Duane becomes increasingly antagonistic to her suggestions
that he make spirituality a life priority. She reminds Duane that they
entered into their vows as a joint venture. Now Garret, their 4-year-old
son wants to stay home from church, since he sees his father sleeping in
on Sundays. Susan has tried to be nice about it, encouraging, explaining
that the children need a unified example of both parents. The more she
talks about the issue, the more Duane shuts down. Nothing seems to work.
What’s the #1 problem threatening your love relationships?
Here’s a sampling of likely culprits: insecure attachments, separation,
money woes, intimacy or lack thereof, in-laws, his or her friends,
boredom, financial instability, anger, ambivalence, health, tragic loss,
deception, and infidelity.
Although any of these factors may pose a threat, there is one that
encompasses all of these and more. By itself, one problem can cripple
any aspect of your relationships, your happiness, and your life. It
affects singles and married couples alike. It doesn’t discriminate
between race, religion, or socio-economic status.
The problem is expectations.
A coworker feels he’s the heir apparent to the promotion of department
head, and begins treating his associates as underlings. He doesn’t get
the respect he thinks he deserves.
A stepmother regrets that the older siblings grew up in the shadow of
her disapproval. She takes it personally when they are non-communicative
or rebellious.
A husband gets nervous when his wife wants to launch a small business.
He feels that it diminishes his contribution to family security.
If you find yourself offended or angry by something another person says
or does, consider this: You might be angry because you’re thinking of
yourself. Your emotional response to a situation is a clear indicator
that you’re reacting to how it affects you. There may be a clear
distinction between a provocation and your response to it.
If you knew a work associate were unprincipled, would you take personal
offense every time he took personal credit for your ideas? Or would you
just learn to avoid situations he could exploit for glory at others’
expense?
Expectations aren’t just a challenge for singles or the young. People of
all ages have difficulty sorting their expectations from realities.
Anticipation seems to go hand-in-hand with disappointment. It seems the
higher your hopes, your letdowns will likely be greater. Mere mortals
tend to misread, under-deliver, and disappoint. Is there any way around
the problem?
There aren’t easy solutions. Even when you recognize your expectations
may be part of the problem, it’s hard to turn them off. Do you just stop
thinking people ought to deliver on their assurances? Should you give up
trying to make members of your household contribute to an orderly
environment? Should you expect the worst so you won’t be disappointed
with the people you depend on? Or would low hopes backfire, producing
mediocre results?
To Each His Own
The answers are counter-intuitive, but they’re based on enduring
principles. Expectations are great self-enticements, but poor
re-enforcers for others. No one wants to be manipulated (or even
encouraged) to deliver to someone else’s idea of how they ought to
measure up. No matter how you dress up a subtle wish, people see through
your efforts to change them, and they’re naturally resistant to being
worked on.
However, a person is happy to make changes if they see the personal
benefit. You’ll be motivated to improve your looks, have friends, be
successful. As long as you don’t feel cajoled in to doing something
against your will, you can easily persuade yourself of the good that can
come from personal effort. Note, you’d do it on your own, but how
willing would you be if you felt someone else were trying to force, or
secretly urge the change on you? Even subtle desires to change others
work like coercion -- they don’t.
The only motivators that really work come from the inside and end at the
skin level. The only work in progress you can do is the masterpiece of
your life’s expression. Does that mean you can’t influence others? No.
But how you influence others is different from the ways you can work to
improve yourself.
Rather than expecting or hoping someone will change, change yourself.
Then provide what the other person actually needs to change -- nurture.
You don’t criticize a plant to blossom and grow. You give it
nutrient-rich soil, ample water, and room to grow. Your friends and
loved ones are the same. They need positives -- gratitude, sincere
praise, nurture, and support -- the same things you appreciate.
The movie Groundhog Day depicted Phil, a news reporter doomed to repeat
the same day over and over. Every day was a litany of mistakes and
repeat blunders. It was a metaphor of the way life can be when we try to
change our world superficially through placing expectations on others.
We often learn lots of variations on failure and think the relationship
is doomed. In reality, we can learn lessons from our mistakes. Growth
comes through the challenges we overcome.
Recognition is Key to satisfying expectations is to place demands only
on yourself. See what good you and others do, recognize efforts and
positives. Live joyfully in the present.
Bless those you love.
Benjamin
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FOR FUN
Here are two moving videos you might enjoy watching:
An amazing Hand Shadow Puppet video:
http://staten-island-new-york-real-estate.com/Hand_Shadow_Show.html
Funny and technique:
http://www.noob.us/humor/japanese-human-art-why-is-my-girlfriend-mad/
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READERS' FORUM
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Copyright (c) 2007 by Benjamin Devey. All rights reserved. Permission is
granted for use on web sites, in news groups or mailing lists as long as
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