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Issue 96
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Nimfomanyc
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Aug 06, 2003 08:27 PDT
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From: nim-@hotmail.com
Aug 6, 2003 Issue 96
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
From Our Readers
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"The inhabitants of Greece are the Grecian"
~ George W. Bush
"The French don't have a word for 'Entrepreneur'”
~ George W. Bush
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QUICK TAKE
PRIVATE SECRETARY - A stenographer who watches her periods.
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A PERSONAL NOTE
You really wouldn’t want to know, anyway! So we’ll just forgo the
personal touch this week. Let’s just say it’s been one of *those*
weeks.
Anywho, on with the jokes.
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JOKES
THE SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE
~ A tendency to think and act spontaneously, rather than on fears
based on past experiences.
~ An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
~ A loss of interest in judging other people.
~ A loss of interest in judging self.
~ A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
~ A loss of the ability to worry.
~ Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
~ Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
~ Frequent attacks of smiling.
~ An increasing tendency to let things happen.
~ An increased susceptibility to love, and to freely receive the
love extended by others, as well as the uncontrollable urge to
extend it.
In some circles, this would also be known as the symptoms of being
stoned.
Time to get some inner peace.
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JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
The doorbell rang again. Little Johnny answered it and there was a man
standing there. "Hello, little boy," said the man. "Is your mother at
home?"
"Yes, she is," said little Johnny. "May I tell her who is here?"
"I'm from the Jehovah's Witnesses," the man replied.
"Maw," called Johnny, turning toward the back of the house, "it's that
Fuller Shit man again!"
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OH YEAH
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home,
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and
demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she
could buy for penny.
The second old lady nodded, and then demonstrated the size of two big
onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
Then the third old lady chipped in with, "I can't hear a word you're
saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about"
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Email questions to: mailto:jmp-@kimbanet.com
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SENT IN BY OUR READERS
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home
for Roshashanna.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you
light the 8 candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hannukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when
you eat the unlevened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover. Roshashanna is the
holiday when we blow the shofar."
"See," the Catholic Girl replies. "That's what I like about you
Jews...you're so good to your help."
Sent in from JunesMaypole.
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous
than ________ (fill in blank with the name of your favorite
famous personage)??? Send us your jokes and quote
contributions and we'll make your name a household word
across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not worldwide
...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok.. not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your
contributions. GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back!
WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:nimfo-@hotmail.com
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SIGNATURES OF THE WEEK
Signatures Seen On The Net:
1. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
2. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
3. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
4. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
5. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
6. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
7. Did anyone see my lost carrier?
8. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
9. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
10. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
13. There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
14. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
15. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
16. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
17. Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
18. Double your drive space - delete Windows!
19. What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
20. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
21. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
22. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
23. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
24. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
25. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
26. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not
screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
27. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
28. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
29. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
30. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
31. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
32. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
33. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
34. All generalizations are false, including this one.
35. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
36. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to
our subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ni-@earthlink.net with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
There once was a fellow named Clyde,
Who slipped on some dogdo and died.
He fell on his brother
Who then he did smother
And now they're in turd side by side.
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SOME FUN AND SMUTTY LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
LOST BRIDE ®
http://www.thatscomedy.com/bride
IT’S NOT NEWS, IT’S FARK.COM
http://www.fark.com/
3D SEXTOONS ®
http://www.3dsextoons.com/3dsex/index.htm
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QUICK TAKE
The number of divorces in this country proves that this is
the land of the free. The number of marriages proves that it
is truly the home of the brave.
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://topica.com/lists/Nimfomanyc/read
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@hotmail.com
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