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Issue 97
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Nimfomanyc
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Aug 14, 2003 17:21 PDT
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From: nim-@hotmail.com
Aug 14, 2003 Issue 97
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
From Our Readers
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"The future is much like the present, only longer."
~Don Quisenberry
"I'm pure as the driven slush."
~Tallulah Bankhead
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QUICK TAKE
Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Many apologies for the late arrival of this newsletter. I had a
computer troubles from hell this week. The good news is that I think
I’ve got them all ironed out.
BTW, if you are running Windows 2000 or XP, I strongly recommend
downloading the latest patch http://www.microsoft.com/downloads/
There’s a nasty worm out there that doesn’t need you to open an email to
get it. The patch will prevent you from getting it.
If you do get infected with it, you can download a fix at
www.symantec.com
Anywho, on with the jokes.
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JOKES
MUSHROOMS
This guy went to the doctors and said: "Doctor, I'm having problems
with my sex life!"
Doctor: "What do you mean?"
Guy: "Well, I'm just not getting any."
Doctor: "Look out the window then."
Guy: "Oh yeah, I see that convent. Good idea Doctor!"
Doctor: "Yes, but see that patch of mushrooms in front of it?"
The guy looks across and sees a beautiful young nun picking mushrooms.
The doctor then says, "Well, if you go place yourself underneath the
mushrooms with only your dick sticking out, you certainly won't
regret it."
The next morning, the guy is lying underneath the patch of mushrooms,
with his dick sticking out, as the doctor had said, and the most
beautiful young nun walks along with a basket.
She starts picking mushrooms, while singing a little song: "One
little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket,
three little mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four...,
four..." The guy cannot believe it; he is enjoying this so much.
That night while down at the pub, he is telling his story to his
mates and one of them (who is very drunk) decides to go and try this
out for himself.
So, that night he goes down to the convent, and places himself
underneath the patch of mushrooms, and leaves his dick sticking out.
In the morning, the fattest, most repulsive and butch nun comes
along with her basket.
She starts to pick mushrooms, while singing the same song: "One
little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket,
three little mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four...,FOUR
little mushrooms for my basket, five little mushrooms for my basket..."
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LIFE IN THE HILLS
A reporter for the New York Times gets an idea for an article, he
decides he'll write a story of "Life in the Hills". He flies out to
East Tennessee and travels up into the Cumberland Mountains until he
comes up on a General Store with an old man on the front porch
sitting in the classic wooden rocker, next to a Pickle Barrel.
He sits next to the old timer and starts up by telling him he's from
New York and wanting to write an article on Life in the Hills. He
then asks the old guy if he had some stories of exciting things that
have happened up there. The old man obliges and says "Ah yes, there
was the time Old Man Johnson's goat wandered off, we gathered up a
search party and went to find it. We finally found it 'round 10 oh
Clock... it was dark so we lit us a fire, and knocked off a few
bottles of Corn Whiskey... then got so drunk we starting passing
the goat around and having our turns "sex-Shoo-Lee"...
Knowing he couldn't use this in his story the reporter says... Oh, do
you think you could tell me another story of adventure in the hills.
"Well, there was the time Ms. Williams got lost up in the woods when
pickin' berries... so we gathered up a search party to go out to
find her. By the time we found her, we had another fire burning and
cracked out the moonshine... as you might guess, we ended up getting
drunk and passed ol' Ms. Williams around for Sex-Shoo-Al favours"....
Knowing he could no less use this story he asked the old guy for
one last story, but this time requested a Sad story of life in the
hills. The man thought a second and then started... "AH YES!! There
was the Time I got lost up in da woods....."
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20 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED
1. The cucumber has left the salad.
2. I can see the gun of Navarone.
3. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
4. You've got Windows on your laptop.
5. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
6. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
7. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.
9. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
10. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
11. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
12. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
13. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
14. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
15. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
16. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
17. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
18. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
19. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
20. I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.
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Email questions to: mailto:jmp-@kimbanet.com
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SENT IN BY OUR READERS
Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"I think my dick is too small, " he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies
quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things those Lagers. You
should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on
his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
"No," replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!
Sent in from JunesMaypole.
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous
than ________ (fill in blank with the name of your favorite
famous personage)??? Send us your jokes and quote
contributions and we'll make your name a household word
across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not worldwide
...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok.. not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your
contributions. GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back!
WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:nimfo-@hotmail.com
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NEWSPAPERS OF THE WEEK
Who reads what?
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the
country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the
country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to
run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the
country but don't understand the Washington Post.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind
running the country, if they could spare the time.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure
who's running the country.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running
the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure
there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another
country.
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to
our subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ni-@earthlink.net with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
Say a tongue twister while eating her out.
The longer the lines, the louder the shout.
Saying "Peggy Babcock" times four,
Has her moaning for more.
Now her clitoris is all plump and stout!
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SOME FUN AND SMUTTY LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
SEXUAL IDENTITY
http://www.funofun.com/sextest.htm
SEX SEARCH ENGINE ®
http://www.phallicsymbol.com/
WANNA KNOW HOW YOU’LL DIE?
http://www.capnwacky.com/flotsam/form_death.html
HEAD CANDY
http://www.lovinmood.com/headcandy.htm
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QUICK TAKE
Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "Ribbit" and the other goes "Rubbit."
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://topica.com/lists/Nimfomanyc/read
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@hotmail.com
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