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Issue 98
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Nimfomanyc
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Aug 19, 2003 23:54 PDT
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From: nim-@hotmail.com
Aug 20, 2003 Issue 98
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
From Our Readers
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four
times; her intelligence, eight times."
~ Sanskrit proverb
"If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to
your side."
~ Stuart Turner
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QUICK TAKE
Why are men so concerned about the size of their penis?
Because ... they should be~!
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Happy Hump Day. Hope there’s lot of humping everywhere.
But if you’re one of those that’s missing out, maybe this week’s issue
will bring a smile to your face in spite of it.
Anywho, on with the jokes.
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JOKES
David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.
"Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored."
Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've
ever had."
"How so?" replies David.
Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said
she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she
said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning
green, coughing like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."
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SEX CONTRACT
I, _______________________, hereby surrender all possibilities of
friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in
exchange for one (1) night of USDA approved fondling and fornication.
I will not return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or
otherwise contact/harass or vex said co-signer of contract for a time of
no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said activities have been
fulfilled.
I also surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnomers and dirty
looks in the cafeteria from myself and friends, and will treat said
co-signer with all the respect due a stranger.
I will say "hi" if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly, if not
neutral, tone.
I will also upon completion of herefore listed activities not leave
underwear, earrings or other insignificant yet oh-so-valuable
knick-knacks lying about or hidden somewhere in the co-signer's abode
for the sole purpose of returning to said abode and breaking the
no-contact agreement of this document.
I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will
not call said co-signer by any other name than is his or her own, nor
reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover who wore the same
cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe. I will also pay one-half of all
laundry fees as needed after prescribed activity.
Signed, _____________________________________
Fornicator At Large
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I'M BUSIER THAN ...
... a five dollar hooker
... a Jehovah's Witness at Doors Unlimited
... handicapped parking at the Special Olympics
... a prostitute in a prison
... O.J. Simpson in a white meat slaughterhouse
... a whorehouse on nickel night
... a cat trying to cover turds on a marble floor
... a one-armed paperhanger
... a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest
... Sleazy Suzan on a Saturday night
... mustard trying to ketchup
... a one-legged basketball player
... Michael Jackson in a day care center
... a dog with two dicks
... Richard Simmons on a fat farm
... a half-fucked fox during the heat season
... a two-peckered billy goat
... a black L.A. hooker in Hugh Grant's BMW
... a GOP victory party organizer
... a monkey trying to fuck a football
... a toilet in Grand Central Station
... a gopher on a golf course
... a bar of soap at San Quentin
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FREE ISP, over 400 ways to earn money using the internet, a
website containing email account, free repeater website,
search engine, platinum office, autoresponder. I.C.Q., fax, and
more. Online community that pays you to use its' services. Join
now!!
http://www.geocities.com/jmpennyjp/index.html
Email questions to: mailto:jmp-@kimbanet.com
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SENT IN BY OUR READERS
LADIES ... PAY ATTENTION!!
Newly Discovered Benefits of Worshiping and Adoring Your Man's Penis:
1. Every blow job you give adds one month to your life.
2. If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five
porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.
3. A hand job a day keeps arthritis away.
4. Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to
ten minutes on the treadmill.
5. Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6. Intercourse prevents divorce.
7. Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the
number of brain cells.
8. Sex eliminates headaches.
9. Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy
man hard", triples your chances of getting into heaven.
10. Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and
your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
That came to us from Freda.
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous
than ________ (fill in blank with the name of your favorite
famous personage)??? Send us your jokes and quote
contributions and we'll make your name a household word
across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not worldwide
...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok.. not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your
contributions. GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back!
WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:nimfo-@hotmail.com
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PENIS OF THE WEEK
KNOW YOUR PENIS
The Wonder Bubbles Penis
Magic wand inside!
The Wonder Bubbles Penis II
For ages 3 and up
The Yellow Pages Penis
Let your fingers do the walking.
The Rolaids Penis
It spells relief
The Mylanta Penis
My Doctor said my penis
The Stick-Ups Penis
Stick it to em with penis!
The NBC News Penis
Now more than ever ...
The Jello Penis
There's always room for penis.
The Taco Bell Penis
Yo quiero penis.
The 7-Up Penis
The UN-penis.
The AT&t Penis
Reach out and touch someone.
The Alka-Seltzer Penis
Pop, pop, fizz, fizz...Oh, what a relief it is...
The All State Penis
You're in good hands.
The American Express Penis
Don't leave home without it.
The Army Penis
Be all that you can be.
The Kix Penis
Kid tested, mother approved.
The Lava Lamp Penis
Hee hee hee!!!!!
The Lays Penis
Betcha can't eat just one.
The Life Call Penis
It's fallen and it can't get up.
The Life Penis
Mikey likes it.
The Life Savers Penis
Five fruity flavors.
The Little Caesar's Penis
Penis!! Penis!!
The Little Caesar's Penis
Pleaser!! Pleaser!!
The McDonald's Penis II
Have you had your break today?
The McDonald's Penis
Over 8 billion served.
The Diet Coke Penis
Just for the taste of it...
The Domino's Pizza Penis
Delivers in 30 min or less
The Doublemint Penis
Chewing really satisfies.
The Dr. Pepper Penis
Wouldn't you like to be a penis too?
The Edge Shaving Cream Penis
Ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort.
The Eggo Penis
Leggo my penis
The Energizer Penis
It keeps going and going
The Equal Penis
Tastes like Sugar.
The Excedrin Penis
It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Extra Penis
Lasts an extra extra extra long time.
The Flintstone's Vitamins Penis
10 million strong and growing.
The Charmin Double Roll Penis
It lasts longer because it IS longer.
The Charmin Penis
Don't squeeze the penis!
The Chevy Truck Penis
Like a rock!
The Chips Ahoy Penis
Betcha bite a chip.
The Visa Penis
It's everywhere you want to be.
The Crest Penis
Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
The Dairy Queen Penis II
We treat you right!
The Dairy Queen Penis
Hot eats, cool treats.
The Burger King Penis
Have it your way
The Campbells Soup Penis
Mmmm mmm good
The Captain Planet Penis
Go PENIS!!
The Bacardi Penis
Taste the feeling.
The Beef Penis
It's what's for dinner.
The Bic Lighter Penis
Go ahead and flick my penis
The Big Red Penis
It's longer with big red.
The Borden Penis
It's GOT to be good.
The Borg Penis
Resistance is futile.
The Bounce Penis
With Static-Guard!
The Bounty Penis
The quicker picker-upper.
The Miller Lite Penis
Great taste, less filling.
The Budweiser Penis
This bud's for you.
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to
our subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ni-@earthlink.net with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
All the young men chased after Aunty Em.
For she wore a white skirt with short hem.
With a smile and a wink,
She flashed us her twink.
Like diamonds and pearls, she's a gem.
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SOME FUN AND SMUTTY LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
POTUS FOR PRESIDENT
http://www.hamsterforpresident.com/
GAME THAT’S HARD
http://www.godhatesfags.com/fags/fagsvskids.html
STANDUP BITS FROM FAMOUS COMICS
http://www.freeholes.com/joke/player.html
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QUICK TAKE
A girl complained, "My last lover was so bad, he must have
used amateurphylactics!"
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://topica.com/lists/Nimfomanyc/read
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nimfo-@hotmail.com
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