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Issue 99
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Nimfomanyc
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Aug 26, 2003 23:42 PDT
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From: nim-@hotmail.com
Aug 27, 2003 Issue 99
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
From Our Readers
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
{more people should follow this advice}
"Forecasting is the art of saying what will happen, and then explaining
why it didn't! "
~ Anonymous ~
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QUICK TAKE
A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday
evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.
The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking,
sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the
ugly fat broad in the passenger seat that gave you away."
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Happy Hump Day. Hope there’s lot of humping everywhere.
Another week gone and nothing much accomplished. I swear the older I
get the faster time flies. Used to be I could get a lot done in a week,
now it seems that it takes 2 weeks to do the same amount.
I was having some problems with the coding for the new web site, so I
joined a class. Hopefully, it won’t take too long for me to figure out
what the hell I’ve been doing wrong.
On the brighter side of life there is the wonderful news that my
neighbors from hell are now a thing of the past. I am ecstatic over
that.
Anywho, on with the jokes.
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(For new customers only.)
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JOKES
One day Little Johnny got curious and asked his mother, "Where do white
babies come from?"
His mother answered "The stork."
Little Johnny then asked, "Where do black babies come from?”
His mother replied "Ravens."
Then Little Johnny asked, "Where do no babies come from?"
And his mother said, "Swallows."
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Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to
you?
Little old woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little old woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old woman: He began to rub my breast.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my
legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, take me!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old woman: HELL NO! That is when he yelled, ‘April Fool!’
And that is when I shot the son of a bitch.
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One day at lunch little Johnny asked one of the kids at school a
question.
"If you woke up in the middle of the forest, covered in KY Jelly, naked
in a sleeping bag, and your ass was killing you, would you tell
anybody?"
"No, I'd be embarrassed," said his friend.
Little Johnny asked, "Wanna go camping?"
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FREE ISP, over 400 ways to earn money using the internet, a
website containing email account, free repeater website,
search engine, platinum office, autoresponder. I.C.Q., fax, and
more. Online community that pays you to use its' services. Join
now!!
http://www.geocities.com/jmpennyjp/index.html
Email questions to: mailto:jmp-@kimbanet.com
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SENT IN BY OUR READERS
God bless America, land of free, home of the blame; "Let's see if I
understand the state of personal responsibility in the America of 2003…
* If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her
lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
* If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll
musician he liked.
* If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer
your family blames the tobacco company.
* If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the
school for poor sex education.
* If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you
blame the bartender.
* If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin
was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
* If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
* And, if your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun
manufacturer.
Aren't we glad we live in America, we can do what ever we want and give
blame to someone else. ONLY IN AMERICA!!!
That was sent in by James.
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous
than ________ (fill in blank with the name of your favorite
famous personage)??? Send us your jokes and quote
contributions and we'll make your name a household word
across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not worldwide
...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok.. not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your
contributions. GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back!
WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:nimfo-@hotmail.com
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ANTICS OF THE WEEK
Hump-Day Antics in the Office!
#1: Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one
Individual, then while it's ringing dial another and conference them
together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they'll
make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call.
#2: Microsoft Word has an AutoCorrect spelling function in its latest
version. This function automatically corrects spelling mistakes as you
type. The wonderful part of it is that you can add words to the
AutoCorrect dictionary... including words that do not exist. If your
co-worker leaves his computer unsecured, you're home free.
For example, you could set it up so that the boss's first name, Bob, is
Auto Corrected to Boob whenever the Individual types it. Or set paradigm
to AutoCorrect to "puredumb." If you're good, you can get your co-worker
disciplined for sexual harassment plus any number of diversity-related
violations.
#3: Get a greeting card that plays an insidious tune. Wrap the musical
chip in cotton and tape it in on top of a ceiling tile in the victim's
office. Make it quiet enough that the victim only hears it when it's
especially silent. Act like he's crazy when he asks you if you hear
music.
#4: Put an official-looking sign over the control pad of your office
fax or copy machine that says it is now voice activated. The sign should
direct the users to say their full name in a loud, crisp voice (for
tracking purposes of course) followed by the desired commands, e.g.,
"This is Bruce Individual, give me ten copies, no staple."
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to
our subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ni-@earthlink.net with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
"M' Lard", said the sweet English maid,
"I wonder if I could get laid,
In lieu of my wages,
I'll fuck you in stages,
A non-taxible way to get paid."
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SOME FUN AND SMUTTY LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
TOO STUPID TO BE PRESIDENT
http://www.toostupidtobepresident.com/index.htm
MEN’S HEALTH ®
http://www.menshealth.com/sex_relationships/index.html
MONTEZUMAS REVENGE...PRICELESS...
http://www.curlydavid.com/toiletp.html
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QUICK TAKE
New Religion........
Frisbeterian: Someone who believes that when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and you can't get it down.
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://topica.com/lists/Nimfomanyc/read
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@hotmail.com
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