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Issue 100
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Nimfomanyc
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Sep 03, 2003 01:07 PDT
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From: nim-@hotmail.com
Sept 3rd, 2003 Issue 100
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking
what you get." {and that’s a fact!}
There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire.
The other is to get it.
~ Shaw
{hmmm, similar….yet so different}
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QUICK TAKE
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife that
Her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
About five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he died from a "massive internal fart."
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Happy Hump Day. Hope there’s lot of humping everywhere.
In case there are some of you out there who don’t pay attention to
things like what issue you happen to be reading, I’m suggesting (mildly
suggesting, mind you) that you take notice today. *smirk*
Congratulations to Nimfo’s Nasties are in order. This is our ONE-
HUNDREDTH issue.
And thanks to our readers are in order for the same reason. =)
We couldn’t have done it without you.
AND we have a second reason for celebration! Aunt Nasty is back in
town…Don’t know for how long…She won’t tell me. Hmmm, but she might
tell you if YOU were to ask.
And lastly, but certainly not the least reason to celebrate; The
beautiful, wonderful, gloriously, peaceful QUIET. LOL
It has truly been a terrific week with no obnoxious neighbors next door.
Anywho, on to the reason you subscribe to this newsletter…
The jokes.
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JOKES
A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she
declared: "A baby brother."
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her
mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want
something in a hurry -- put more men on the job.
{out of the mouths of babes}
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DAFFYNITIONS
Heroes \hee'-rhos\:
What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\:
What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\:
How golfers create divots.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\:
A helper on the farm.
Primate \pri'-mat\:
Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\:
What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\:
What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\:
Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Selfish \sel'-fish\:
What the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\:
Like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\:
Bringing litigation against a government official.
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\:
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\:
What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\:
Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\:
The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\:
What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\:
A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\:
What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.
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{GROANER}
Bill walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The bartender
gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of popcorn. To his surprise,
a voice comes from the popcorn bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said,
"You really look fantastic... and that aftershave is just wonderful. I
bet your hung like a horse!"
Bill is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realising he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine.
After inserting his money, a voice emits from the machine. "You
fuckhead......Oh my god you stink..........Do
You know, you're almost as ugly as your mother and twice as cheap"
By now, Bill is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an
explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The popcorn are complimentary,
but the cigarette machine is out of order."
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Seems God was just about done with creating the universe
but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he
decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a
thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing
up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was
wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that
to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the
sort of thing a man should be able to do.
Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he
went like an excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really
wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam
the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and
he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and
then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing
with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said
to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you
can have it." "What's it called? Eve asked.
"Brains" God said.
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FREE ISP, over 400 ways to earn money using the internet, a
website containing email account, free repeater website,
search engine, platinum office, autoresponder. I.C.Q., fax, and
more. Online community that pays you to use its' services. Join
now!!
http://www.geocities.com/jmpennyjp/index.html
Email questions to: mailto:jmp-@kimbanet.com
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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance
and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like
some advice on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@earthlink.net and you
can count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@earthlink.net
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Okay, Aunt Nasty,
Since I can't fuck ya, can I see a video of you fucking?
God, what a great set of tits!
Or how 'bout this? Do you have girlfriend who'd like to get naked with
a really nice guy?
Needing a little fun here.
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Dear Needing,
LOL What's up with trying to make me a pimp??? LOL Sorry charlie, but
you'll have to do the leg work yourself. I am not in the business of
matchmaking nor pimping. (YET)
By the way, I don't recall saying no! (Ever!!!!) And if I did I
certainly can’t remember why. Care to refresh my memory??
Aside from everything else, My tits just love getting appreciative and
awe filled fan mail and they thank you. I have been told many times
that aside from my talented mouth, they are my best feature.
(And there I was, assuming it was my charming personality that made them
want to know me better…. yeah right!) lol
Aunt Nasty
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ANTICS OF THE WEEK
Having a Threesome
Advantages:
1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the
proceedings
3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $20
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneously enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be
experienced to be believed
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison
shopping for condoms
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies
without actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a
problem, the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best
Disadvantages
1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the
bathroom, the other two are giggling over the pimple on your
butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your
friends like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember
them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your
notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't
suspect or want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your
friends you didn't suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of
relationships
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in
assumes comical proportions
15. Now there's two wet spots to avoid.
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to
our subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ni-@earthlink.net with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
There was a bleached blond named Dolores,
Who had an unusual clitoris.
It's location remote,
Was deep in her throat,
Where she douched with a touch of Lavoris!
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SOME FUN AND SMUTTY LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
IDIOTS AND OTHER ABERRATIONS
http://www.americaworks.net/idiots/
KOI'S HOME OF SEX TUTORIALS & MORE! ®
http://very-koi.net/main.htm
A FUNNY STORY
http://www.genepoool.com/sex.html
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QUICK TAKE
Weather Definitions.
ARKANSAS RELATIVE HUMIDITY: That's the sweat dripping
off your cousin's balls as he screws you.
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://topica.com/lists/Nimfomanyc/read
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@hotmail.com
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