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Issue 101
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Nimfomanyc
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Sep 17, 2003 21:11 PDT
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From: nim-@hotmail.com
Sept 17th, 2003 Issue 101
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"You can't buy happiness...
but you can lease it for a very long time."
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."
~Helen Keller
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QUICK TAKE
Q. How are airplanes and women alike?
A. They both have cockpits!
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Happy Hump Day. Hope there’s lot of humping everywhere.
Oops, my bad! I forgot to put out last weeks issue. Almost forgot this
week too.
What can I say. I’m only human….I think. lol
Anywho, on to the reason you subscribe to this newsletter…
The jokes.
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JOKES
You know you're in California when...
1. Your co-worker has 20 body piercing and only four are
visible.
2. You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people conversing in
English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring,
and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower for the two mothers and sperm
donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans
are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and
Ethiopian!
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
11. Gas cost 50 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the
U.S.
12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless
chaps. You don't even notice.
13. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing
the baseball cap and sun glasses who looks like George
Clooney IS George Clooney.
14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman
who delivers your mail is into S&M and your Mary Kay rep is
a guy in drag.
16. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
17. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about
"STORM WATCH 2003."
18. You have to leave the big company meeting early because
Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM TaeBo class.
19. You pass an elementary school playground and the children
are all busy on their cell phones or checking their pagers.
20. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early.
21. Hey! IS Pot Illegal?
22. You AND your dog have the same therapist.
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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him
and sent him on his way with a envelope containing $200.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine
cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection
of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by
the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up
the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the
most passionate sex he had ever experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed
him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry
waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly
satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from
under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful
for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special
for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "screw him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "adding breakfast was my idea."
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She
finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a large tumbler of scotch in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
drink.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks
up from his drink, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were
dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not
coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the cop, caught us in
the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail
for 20 years?"
"I remember that too", she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...
"I would have gotten out today."
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FREE ISP, over 400 ways to earn money using the internet, a
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more. Online community that pays you to use its' services. Join
now!!
http://www.geocities.com/jmpennyjp/index.html
Email questions to: mailto:jmp-@kimbanet.com
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ˇASK AUNT NASTYˇ
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance
and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like
some advice on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@earthlink.net and you
can count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
ˇASK AUNT NASTYˇ
AuntN-@earthlink.net
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Aunt Nasty,
ever think about takingt a vacation ? to the city of upland thats where
i live . ha ha anywhos e mail me at XXXX-@aol.com for your tiket to
the adventure of ur life . im a5 8tall latin luver take care
Ray
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Dear Ray,
How sweet of you to offer me a vacation. But to the city of Upland?
Sounds …. *unique* A ticket to the adventure of my life? Wow, that’s
really promising a lot. As much as I love latin lovers, hon, I just
don’t think you can follow through with a promise like that. So I am
going to pass on the vacation.
However, if you are ever in my city, please don’t hesitate to look me up
and then we’ll see if you are a man of your word.
Aunt Nasty
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TUTORIAL OF THE WEEK
(First of a two-part lesson.)
HOW TO DRIVE YOUR MAN WILD
Unzip or unbutton his pants and masturbate him while he's
watching TV. I don't suggest this during the Superbowl while
his friends are present.
Surprise him by sneaking into the shower while he's washing
his hair and finish the job.
Cook breakfast or serve his coffee naked.
Phone him at work and talk dirty. Emails can be read so use
discretion.
Shave off all your pubic hair. Remember that the stubble can
be a killer so its best to keep it clean once you've started
this practice.
After dinner, dance in an erotic fashion. Polkas are not
suggested.
Venture outside and have sex in your yard, however, first
consider how close your neighbors are before trying this. (If
they don't want to watch, they can leave, right?)
Try the dominatrix persona by dressing in black leather,
rubber, whips, and handcuffs. Turn on a rerun of Father Knows
Best and see what happens when worlds collide.
Eat at a romantic restaurant and during dinner take his hand
under the table to demonstrate your lack of underwear.
Go to a club to see a great new band, but separate and seduce
him from across the room like you've just met.
Arrange to meet him at a hotel in the middle of the afternoon
and have "an affair."
Shoot pool in high heels and a smile!
Watch an adult video while spooning...(or better yet, imitate
everything they do on screen.)
Draw him a bath and wash him from head to toe, then have him
return the gesture.
Make his favorite dinner, then serve dessert on your skin.
Videotape your lovemaking and watch it again on a rainy day.
Undress him and take him to bed without saying a word.
Sometimes talking is not necessary.
Buy him some sexy new underwear and insist on a fashion show.
Greet him at the door when he comes home from work wrapped
in saran wrap and have him unwrap his "present".
Lay out a tarp or plastic sheet and get out the baby oil. Have
a slippery good time.
Make tonight a "no electricity" night. Use only candles and
avoid the TV, which has killed many romantic evenings.
Buy some naughty underwear and surprise him if you're a
flannel junkie.
(Part two continued next week.)
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to
our subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ni-@earthlink.net with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus.
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SOME FUN AND SMUTTY LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
THE BANNED BOOK OF DR. SEUSS!
http://members.aol.com/danledbttr/seuss.htm
ANONYMOUS ANSWERS TO LIFE'S EMBARRASSING QUESTIONS...®
http://www.prematuree.com/index.php3
PARENTING HUMOR
http://www.mommarama.com/UG.html
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QUICK TAKE
Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Californians don't screw in light bulbs; they screw in hot tubs
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://topica.com/lists/Nimfomanyc/read
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@hotmail.com
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