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Issue 102
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Nimfomanyc
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Nov 17, 2005 01:01 PST
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From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Nov 18th, 2004
Issue 102
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"Respect is what we owe; love, what we give."
Philip James Bailey (1816-1902)
"We love because it's the only true adventure."
- Nikki Giovanni
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QUICK TAKE
Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Hi my name is D’Frogedy, I will be helping “THE Nimfomanyc”.
It seems she’d tried to stuff too much into her mouth…. Again! Ah well,
it was fun to watch!
I don’t know why she freaked out; I was only trying to help…
…her get it all in, that is.
Now let’s talk about me.
Well I was born hating people. Most of them are a waste of skin. Don’t
get me wrong I am a BITCH but I am fair. My faith in mankind has been
shattered. If you think you can convince me otherwise, do it. I think
everyone should learn from their mistakes, and if they don’t they should
be given a time out. Just until they learn and if they never learn …
well what good were they anyway?
I allow one excuse for stupidity, then you’re on your own, dumbass! And
here is the only reason a man is helpful, because some day some way you
might have a weak moment, and some pussy might just slip his way! I am
also very stubborn. And please, if you don’t want to hear the truth,
don’t ask. It can be very painful. I won’t lie. Even if I wanted to, my
memory is odd it comes and goes. I have a very unique way of seeing
things, scares some people. I think its neat. So if somebody tells you
something and you’re not sure of the meaning I can give you a different
meaning.
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JOKES
ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised,
answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties,
a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm. In her thirties to
forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty,
they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum , how
many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers,
"Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his
penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it
is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!
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A WOMANS VIEW ON BLOWJOBS
First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be greatful.
I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard
practice to cum on someone's face.
Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
My ears are NOT handles.
Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard,
deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on
your dick?
I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through
your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right
now.
Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -
if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone.
If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
I've just "wrecked it" for you.
Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards
is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in
the future.
If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the
origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're
good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.
No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs
often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
sympathize or brag.
Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss
it good morning."
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MENS VIEWS ON BLOWJOBS
First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find
someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.
You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to
you?
I will use your ears as I see fit. Don’t worry about it and be thankful
I'm not pulling your hair.
When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only
way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need
all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the
short end of the stick in flavor country.
At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
Play with the balls.
No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
Caress the ass, too. We like that!
Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but
when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll
be "sound asleep."
If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your
face, now will you?
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AN OLD GEEZER
An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is
also staying there. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to
her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She
agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind
at the home and get down to it.
The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be
made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and
asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and
goes for it.
After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it
just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him
that it must be the arthritis. He looks and her confused and states that
surely you can't get arthritis down there and even if you could it
wouldn't cause that smell.
She says "No it's the arthritis in my shoulder; I can't wipe my ass
properly!"
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HER MOTHER WATCHING
Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where
he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember
the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in
love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing
right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to
her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide... ok, ok.. not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back!
WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to
compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a
question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I
heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming
from a frog sitting next to a stream.
So I picked up the frog and it said, ‘Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn
into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.’ So I looked around to make sure I
was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a
beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ‘You now have 3 wishes.’
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ‘I want a body like
Arnold Schwarzenegger.’
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I
ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked,
‘What will be your second wish?’
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ‘I want to make
sensuous love with you here by this stream.’
She nodded, lay down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious
lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ‘You know, you do have one more
wish. What will it be?’
I looked at her and replied, ‘How about a little head?’”
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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX* and
*RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been seeking
out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance and/or the
libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like some advice
on, just send an e-mail to mailto:AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you can
count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
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TUTORIAL OF THE WEEK
(Second of a two-part lesson.)
WAYS TO DRIVE HIM CRAZY
These suggestions work on the principle of surprise. You
were adventurous when you first started dating so ...
1. Mow the lawn in a sexy outfit and make sure he's there to see it!
2. Take him on a picnic to a secluded location and wear something
with easy access.
3. Allow him to explore your entire body, including your anus, if he
has expressed curiosity.
4. Hold his penis while he urinates.
5. Assume a new sexual identity: The naughty librarian, the pissed-
off postal worker, or try a whorish Pippi Longstockings just
for grins.
6. Give him a full-body massage and take at least an hour.
The more time you spend on him, the better it gets.
7. Change the oil in the car without being told first.
(Foreplay has many identities)
8. Listen to a Yanni CD. He'll be so annoyed he'll do anything to
make it stop!
9. Try really listening to him. It's a shame when people who love
each other stop making their mate the first priority.
10. Describe a sexual fantasy to him in detail, then ask to try it
out.
11. Kiss him without letting him kiss you back. You're in charge
now.
12. Buy sex-toys from a catalog together, no kidding.
13. In the middle of the night, light a candle and run your fingers
through his hair until he wakes up.
14. Have him invite his friends over for an all night poker game.
Make the snacks and wait on them hand and foot. No, its not
very sexy, but hey, this is for the guys right?
15. Rent an action film and watch it with him in one of his
flannel shirts, socks, and no underwear.
16. Feed him in bed. I don't care what it is, anything edible will
do.
17. Ask him how to perfect your oral sex techniques. It will be the
most descriptive and clear conversation you've ever had. If
he wants to provide you with sketches, get the pencil!
18. Listen to a CD that you heard on your first date. If there was
no music...hum.
19. Humming? See #17
20. Pack his lunch and throw some nude Polaroids of yourself in the
bag. If you really want to surprise him; throw the nude
Polaroids you took of him while he was sleeping ...
SURPRISE HONEY!!
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
There Once Was A Girl From Nantucket
Whose Pussy Was Big As A Bucket
I Put My Dick In
And Said With A Grin
I'm Gonna Need A Fence Post To Fuck It
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DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
FUNNY CATS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/dloads2/funny_cats_1.wmv
NEUROTICALLY YOURS
http://www.illwillpress.com/
DREW CAREY AND RICHARD SIMMONS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/movies/RichardSimmons.wmv
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
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QUICK TAKE
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always
will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses
your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set
it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nimfo-@hotmail.com
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