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Issue 103
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Nimfomanyc
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Nov 24, 2005 23:22 PST
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From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Nov 24th, 2004
Issue 103
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"The man who has no imagination has no wings."
~ Muhammad Ali
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
~ Albert Einstein
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QUICK TAKE
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Hello All,
Hope you all met my friend and assistant last issue. She’ll be back
with us in next week’s issue.
I hope you all had a safe and Happy Thanksgiving! And I hope that you
all weren’t too stuffed with turkey to play well after the lights went
out. Lol
Now then, on to the Jokes.
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JOKES
13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the female
Kentuckian patient. "Until the antibiotics clean out your infection, you
are *not* to have any relations whatsoever!"
Pausing for a moment, the young woman patient replied, "Okay fer that
'un Doc, but what about friends 'n neighbours?"
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Did you hear about the blonde that...
....Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
....Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
....Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
....Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
....Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
....Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.
....Thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.
....Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass.
....Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the
left guard.
....Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains.
....Studied 5 days for a urine test.
....Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
....Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
....Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
....Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for
directions.
....Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a fork.
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A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as former
President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he
looked up at the television and mumbled:
"Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him,
and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer,
Hillary Clinton appeared on the television.
"She's a horse's ass too."
This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up,
walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar.
"This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
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YOU CAN CATCH MORE FLIES WITH HONEY
There was this little boy that lived in the country. One day he walked
through a farmers yard with duct tape under his arm, and the farmer
asked, "Where you going boy?"
The little boy answered, "I am going to catch me a duck."
The farmer said, "You know, you can't catch a duck with duck tape."
The little boy continued to walk on, and a little later the boy came
back through with 2 ducks under his arm. The farmer just looked at him
in amazement.
The same boy came back through the same farmers’ yard the next day with
chicken wire under his arm and the farmer asked, "What are you doing now
boy?"
The boy replied, "I am gonna catch me a chicken".
The farmer said, "You can't catch a chicken with chicken wire!"
The little boy continued on his way, and a little later the boy came
back with a chicken under his arm and the farmer just stood in awe.
The same boy came through the same farmers yard the next day with a
bunch of pussy willows under his arm the farmer said, "I am not gonna
ask. I know what your going after, and I'm going with you!"
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous
than ________ (fill in blank with the name of your favorite
famous personage)??? Send us your jokes and quote
contributions and we'll make your name a household word
across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not worldwide ...hmmm,
maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok.. not even a household word, but we
will give you credit for your contributions. GUARANTEED!! Or your
joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
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A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put
his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his
hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman
looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As
she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty;
would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both
enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a
marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you
meet?
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX* and
*RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been seeking
out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance and/or the
libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like some advice
on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you can count on
her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
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RESULTS OF THE WEEK
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow
hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a
doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,
the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in
warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank
you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the
results.
The computer then prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never
get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
A Computer, To Print Out A Fact,
Will Divide, Multiply, And Subtract.
But This Output Can Be
No More Than Debris,
If The Input Was Short Of Exact.
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DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
HELP FOR WOMEN
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/helpu.shtml
SMART ROBBERS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/movies/robbery.wmv
YOUR WIFE CALLED
http://www.nimsnuts.com/movies/wife.wmv
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
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QUICK TAKE
If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a
smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
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