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Issue 104
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Nimfomanyc
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Dec 02, 2005 14:39 PST
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From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Dec 3, 2005 Issue 104
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but
not with all those flies and death and stuff,”
~Mariah Carey
"I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm
going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh,
goodnight."
~ Homer Simpson
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QUICK TAKE
Q: How can you tell if your secretary is really a blonde?
A: She has a Tampon behind her ear and can't find her
pencil.
(That tell-tale comes from rkgibson)
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Hello All,
D.F. here I hope you like these I’ve done this only one other time. OK I
do things at least twice. I usually know if I like it or not by the
second time. Oh bye the way, I hate holidays.
D’Frogedy
Anywho, The jokes.
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JOKES
The Frog and The Endowed
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well
endowed, shall we say. In fact, its 25 inches long. He can't get any
women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the
doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a
witch that he thinks might be able to help.
Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a
particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives
there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll
be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in
this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other
side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.
Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great,
he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the
frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit
excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls
across again, "Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No.
NO!"
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Size Matters
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found
it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that
it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term
relationships.
"Isn’t there some way to judge the size of a man’s equipment from the
outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled the
therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until
she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the
biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner,
wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an
evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but,
on the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my
compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit
you."
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Voodoo Dick
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought
he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone,
because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he
went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He
thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another
man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to
please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know
of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special
attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her
occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo
dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking
deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He
pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose
out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the
keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed
down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo
dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to
the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her
it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say
"Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things
would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She
thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she
remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my
pussy!"
The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great,
like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she
decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in
her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she
decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her
clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked
how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but
that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right.
Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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Roughest Hooker
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from
the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the
Yukon," he said to the bartender.
"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room
on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and
two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the
door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for
the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open
those beers first."
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Christmas Anagrams
The following are clues to the names of well-known Christmas carols. Can
you guess the names of the Christmas songs from the cryptic clues
provided below?
(Answers at the bottom of the newsletter)
1. Approach everyone who is steadfast.
2. Ecstasy toward the orb.
3. Listen, the foretelling spirits harmonize.
4. Hey, minuscule urban area south of Jerusalem.
5. Quiescent nocturnal period.
6. The autocratic troika originating near the ascent of Apollo.
7. The primary carol.
8. Embellish the corridors.
9. I'm fantasizing concerning a blanched yuletide.
10. I observed my maternal parent osculating with a corpulent unshaven
male in crimson disguise.
11. During the time ovine caretakers supervised their charges.
12. Virtuous royal philanthropist.
13. The thing manifested itself at the onset of a transparent day.
14. What offspring abides thus?
15. Removed in a bovine feeding trough.
16. Valentino, the roseate proboscis wapiti.
17. The slight percussionist lad.
18. Father Christmas approaches the metropolis.
19. Seraphim we aurally detected in the stratosphere.
20. The creator reassures you, lively fellows.
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide ...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok… not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
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Christmas Signs in Stores
TOY STORE: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with
the crowd."
A Texas jeweler store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. 3 for $200,000.
A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to
remind him when payments are due."
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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX* and
*RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been seeking
out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance and/or the
libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like some advice
on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you can count on
her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
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ROOMMATE OF THE WEEK
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had
long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate,
and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than
met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be
sure."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a
gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read,
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if
she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by
now.
Love, Mom."
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
Mary had a little sheep
With this sheep
She went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb.
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DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
THE FLINTSTONES ®
http://www.nimsnuts.com/dloads2/flints%7E1.exe
CHAPLIN
http://www.nimsnuts.com/movies/chaplin6.wmv
MATRIX STYLE PING PONG http://www.nimsnuts.com/movies/ping%20pong.wmv
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
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QUICK TAKE
Q: What three words mean small?
A: Is it in?
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Answers to Christmas Anagrams
1 - O Come All Ye Faithful
2 - Joy to the World
3 - Hark, the Herald Angels Sing
4 - Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem
5 - Silent Night
6 - We Three Kings of Orient Are
7 - The First Noel
8 - Deck the Halls
9 - White Christmas
10 - I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
11 - While Shepherds Watched their Flocks by Night
12 - Good King Wenceslaus
13 - It came upon a Midnight Clear
14 - What Child is this?
15 - Away in a Manger
16 - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
17 - Little Drummer Boy
18 - Santa Claus is coming to town
19 - Angels we have heard on high
20 - God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
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