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Issue 105
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Nimfomanyc
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Dec 09, 2005 20:32 PST
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From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Dec 9, 2005 Issue
105
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?"
"The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature
is to build better mice."
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QUICK TAKE
Q: Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Hi D’frogedy here. I would just like to say goodbye. And that its you
not me causing this break-up. I just want you to be happy …so do it!
Hi,
It’s the Nimfomanyc here, letting you know that D’frogedy is moving on
to greener pastures. The reason she gave me for her leaving is that
there was no response from you readers. Nothing, Nada.
I am looking for another editor and do hope you will be kinder to the
next one.
As for me, well…. I don’t have to be nice so I don’t expect anything
from you bunch of lumps except the occasional hump! Lol
Ciao for now,
The Nimfomanyc
Anywho, The jokes.
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JOKES
The San Diego Police Department were investigating the mysterious death
of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his
11th-story office.
His voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the
action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she
started working for him, a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a $20
raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office,
gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said,
'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary. At the end of the third
week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called
me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous
diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and
what it would cost."
"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he
could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other boys in the
office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."
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The Leprechaun Of The Bathroom
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe
his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got
back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands. "A
little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy
said.
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him
what he had in his hands. "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
he'll get scared away."
He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands. "A
little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in
his hands. "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared
away."
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."
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Tattoo U-nit
A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a
hundred-dollar bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him
why he would possibly want that.
''Three reasons. I like to play with my money. I like to watch my money
grow. And a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow
these days!''
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Butcher's Pussy
One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing
him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey,
the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me."
Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is
forgotten.
The next day, he comes home and greets his wife.
When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and
delicious foods.
Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money.
She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that pussy
in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the
butcher."
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TEN WAYS TO TREAT A PENIS
1. You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm
Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw
piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice
and easy. Make friends first.
2. When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an
industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's
eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be
gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one
who "melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.
3. When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up
and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward
and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't
made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if
you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a
basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is
not that good, and your 100 Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called
gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.
4. Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail
and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love
sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms,
and remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the cure.
5. Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep
around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your
dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him
frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never
bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that
way.
6. If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid.
That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you
sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!
7. Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr.
Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude
pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist
beach last July.
8. If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.
9. If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on
pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that
you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.
10. If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that
deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much
bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?" And
never, ever say, "Is it in?"
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide ...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok… not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
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MADAM: One who offers vice to the lovelorn.
MARCONI: The first man to send a message through a length of
spaghetti without it touching the sides.
MINE SHAFT: What a German calls his dick.
MONOLOGUE: A discussion between man and wife.
NONDESCRIPT: A television play.
ODIOUS: Not very good poetry.
ORGY: Grope therapy.
PARENTS: Couples who practise the Rhythm Method.
PEDESTRIAN: A motorist with teenage sons.
PIMP: Nookie Bookie.
PIMP: Public relations man for a public relations girl.
PORNOGRAPHY: Clitertature.
PREMATURE EJACULATION: The come before the scorn.
RACIAL DISPUTE: When the course judge calls for a photo.
RED RIDING HOOD: A Russian condom.
REFLECTION: What a girl looks at, but is not given to.
SAGE: A bloke who knows his onions.
SITTING PRETTY: Sitting Bull's gay brother.
SNOW JOB: How a woman defrosts her man.
SNUFF: Sufficient unto the day.
SONATA: A song sung by Frank.
SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.
STALEMATE: A husband who has lost his ardour.
TEAR JERKER: A bloke who cries while wanking.
TRUE LOVE: An injection with affection to the midsection from a
projection without objection.
VICE SQUAD: The pussy posse.
VICE VERSA: Dirty poetry from Italy.
VIRGIN: A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.
VIRGIN: A girl who won't take in what a guy takes out.
VIRGIN: Any Hicksville girl who can outrun her brothers.
VIRGIN SQUAW: Wouldn't Indian.
WELSH RAREBIT: A Cardiff virgin.
WET DREAM: A snorgasm.
ANTI-CLIMAX: Bore-gasm.
CORPORATE VIRGIN: New girl in the office.
DESPERATE STRAIGHTS: Sex-starved heterosexuals.
GAELIC: An Irish Lesbian.
INCEST: Relatively boring.
INCEST: A game for the whole family to play.
LUBRICATED CONDOMS: Bedroom slippers.
MASTURBATION: I-balling.
SELF-DECEPTION: Faking an organism during masturbation.
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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX* and
*RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been seeking
out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance and/or the
libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like some advice
on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you can count on
her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
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LETTERS OF THE WEEK
Santa's Letters
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
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Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really, really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
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Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
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Dear Teddy,
What?-and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
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Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You
want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone.
Santa
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Dear Santa
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
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Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most
my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing all my cash at
the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica
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Dear Jessica,
Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your
house...
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, please,
PLEASE! could I have one?
Love, Timmy
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Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
don't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
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Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house,
that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get
inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom
window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
Hickory Dickory Doc!
In Ten Seconds You'll Be Sucking My Cock!
So Think Very Quick!
As I Whip Out My Dick!
Hickory Dickory Doc!
.
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DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
THE BANNED BOOK OF DR. SEUSS!
http://members.aol.com/danledbttr/seuss.htm
ANONYMOUS ANSWERS TO LIFE'S EMBARRASSING QUESTIONS...®
http://www.prematuree.com/index.php3
NOMADS
http://www.nimsnuts/movies3/nomad.wmv
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
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QUICK TAKE
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and
has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number
for any future reference to this light bulb issue.
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
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