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Issue 106
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Nimfomanyc
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Dec 16, 2005 13:00 PST
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From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Dec 16th, 2005 Issue 106
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"Horse sense means seeing things two ways -- how you want them to be and
how they have to be." ~ June Smith
"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people." ~ W.C. Fields
{It’s surprising how many “intelligent” people have no common sense, and
if they have no common sense, they sure ain’t going to have horse
sense.}
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QUICK TAKE
Customer: Give me a pound of those grapes. My husband really likes
them. Do you know if they've been sprayed with any kind of poison?
Grocery Clerk: No, ma'am. You'll have to get that at the drug store.
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Welcome to all the new subscribers. Come on in and make yourself
comfortable. We don’t require anything much from you, except your
attention and an occasional chuckle.
Hello everyone,
It’s the Nimfomanyc. It looks like I am back in the saddle again… to
stay. As a friend of mine pointed out to me…”that newsletter is your
baby…you’ve put a lot of heart and soul into it and the subscribers
joined because of what you put into it”
Hmmm, low blow, making me feel guilty for getting someone to help and
even guiltier for the long time span without an issue.
Lol …
Well then, in that case, you damn well better enjoy! =)
Ciao for now,
The Nimfomanyc
Anywho, The jokes.
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JOKES
HAPPY?
A widower, who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive
now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see
if he could contact his late wife.
The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the
darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his
dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
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THE CHRISTMAS DIET?
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree
centigrade.
Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold
dessert this Christmas (generally consisting of water in large part),
the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body
temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out
of the only available source: your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.
F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37
degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process
takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert
portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic
law, 6,216 calories (1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted
from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for
the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is
approximately 5,000 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat on Christmas Day, the better
off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted
glasses during the college bowl system.
Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036
calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing
process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020
calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240
calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the
process of drinking a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it
takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an
additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The
results here are really remarkable, and it beats running/jogging hands
down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza
(loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces
an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have
already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with
pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
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NEED HELP?
Jon came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "Judi, love,
you'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new
position for lovemaking."
"Really," she said, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back," Jon replies
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes, we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple to help out!"
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Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together.
The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the
party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable
tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a
nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say,
'Vote Democratic.' "
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WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her
turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What
would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies,
"I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
"I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No", said the little girl.
"She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken"
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide ...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok… not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
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TOP THINGS ON THE DEVIL'S "TO DO" LIST
*--Legally change name to the "Artist Formerly Known as the Prince of
Darkness."
*--Now that the job is done, get out of Daryl Strawberry's head.
*--Help Bobby Knight write HIS "to do list."
*--Meet O.J. for our 10 a.m. tee time.
*--Divorce Bill, change name back to Rodham.
*--Buy ice scraper just in case Cleveland Browns win two games in a row.
*--Encourage Magic Johnson to have more unprotected sex.
*--Send thank you note to George W. for all the executions.
*--Get people to stop sending me those damn hand-baskets!
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IN THE NEWS
A Swedish man who donated sperm to a lesbian couple has been ordered to
pay child support for their three children.
In the early 1990s the man, now 39, donated his sperm to a woman in a
lesbian relationship. She had three sons, the oldest of whom is now 13
years old.
Although the man signed a document confirming he was the biological
father of the children, he told the court the women agreed he would not
be involved in their upbringing in any way.
But when the women separated, the biological mother of the three boys
demanded child support payments from the man.
He went to court but lost the case and the subsequent appeal before
taking the matter to the Supreme Court, the highest appeals court in the
country.
The Supreme Court has confirmed the earlier rulings, stating that the
biological father is required to pay child support to the mother of the
three children he indirectly fathered.
{Now that’s just not right. And it may cause a serious shortage in
future sperm contributions}
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TRUTH OF THE WEEK
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing,
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind
of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on December 24th, when they with
amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket-wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden.
1. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he
were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to
find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the
rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to
the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
1. Men don't answer their mail.
2. Men can't pack a bag.
3. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
4. Men would feel their masculinity was threatened to be seen with all
those elves.
5. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described as anything
remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
6. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
7. Doing the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
8. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...
1. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
2. Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
3. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good
will, peace on Earth, faith, and Nat King Cole's version of "The
Christmas Song," it makes sense what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
There Once Was A Man From Australia,
Who Had Extra-Large Genitalia.
He Said To His Bride,
"Don't Try To Hide,
Cause Wherever Ya Go I Can Nail Ya."
.
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DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
POLISH COP
http://www.nimsnuts.com/movies3/polish_cop.wmv
LADY SITTERS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/movies3/LadySitters.wmv
GOING TO WORK ON MONDAY MORNING
http://www.nimsnuts.com/movies3/GoingtoworkonMonday.wmv
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
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QUICK TAKE
A gang-member was holding his 8 month old baby while his wife was in
kitchen fixing lunch.
The baby murmured "mother".
The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife "Hey, the baby just
said half a word!"
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
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