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Issue 107
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Nimfomanyc
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Dec 23, 2005 11:53 PST
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From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Dec. 23rd, 2005 Issue 107
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and
he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
~ Terry Pratchett.
Crazy men see ghosts-sane men ignore them.
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QUICK TAKE
Q: Did you ever hear of Adolph the brown-nosed reindeer?
A: He could run as fast as Rudolf, he just couldn't stop as fast.
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A PERSONAL NOTE
HO HO HO Merry Christmas,
I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe Christmas.
I’ve had a rather odd sort of week, this past week and because of
confidentiality reasons I can’t say much about it. What I can say, is:
Of those of you who have answering machines (and most people do), and
have personalized your greeting… Do you ever think about what strangers
listening to your message will think when they hear it?
Some people should definitely listen to their greeting with a thought to
how others will hear it. Some are just stupid, but others are so stupid
as to be hilarious. But I must admit, those ridiculous greetings
certainly do break up an otherwise boring morning.
Anywho, on to the reason you subscribe to this newsletter…
The jokes.
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JOKES
A little boy had been waiting in a long line to sit on Saint Nick's
lap. He finally gets his shot and climbs up.
Santa says, (touching the little boy on the nose with his finger) "I'll
bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."
The boy shakes his head, "No."
Santa touches the little boy on the nose with his finger again.
"Well," he says, "I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."
The boy again shakes his head, "No."
So then Santa asks, "Well what would you like for Christmas, little
boy?"
The Boy says, "I want some pussy!"
Santa is startled and almost speechless. "W-w-well, little Boy, Ho, Ho,
Ho, I don't have any of that!"
The Boy reaches over and touches Saint Nick on nose. "Yes you do Santa,
because I can smell it on your fingers!"
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X-MAS PICKUP LINES
1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Want to see my 12-inch elf?
3. I’ve got something special in the sack for you!
4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5. I know when you've been bad or good--so let's skip the small talk,
sister!
6. Some of my best toys run on batteries...
7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs.
calls it ...)
8. I see you when you’re sleeping -and you don’t wear any underwear, do
you?
9. Screw the "nice" list - I’ve got you on my "naughty" list!
10. Want to join the "Mile High” club?
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HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A GRINCH
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your
own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to
replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets
or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or
reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5
extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for
each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan
Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or
K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends
(5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on
Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are
stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies
for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff
for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern
California only, others ignore: 5 points).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a
commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5
points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a
definite no-no (20 points).
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheese ball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted
by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has
arrived.
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide ...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok… not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance
and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like
some advice on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you
can count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
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Aunt Nasty,
I have a problem that may cause me to break up with my boyfriend. I
really love him, but I don’t enjoy having sex with him. He only wants to
do it one way…missionary position. As a woman with very large breasts,
I am uncomfortable with this position as I end up being smothered by my
own breasts.
When I have suggested other positions, my boyfriend says he likes to
look at my face when we are making love. Please help.
Signed,
Not a Missionary
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Dear Not,,
Wow, your boyfriend sounds stuffy. He needs to find that adventurous
zone and explore it some before he petrifies.
If he insists on seeing your face while making love, tell him to pin up
a picture of you on the wall, or better yet…. Put up mirrors.
Everywhere! Then no matter what position you try, he’ll be able to see
your face. Then try all the positions.
Aunt Nasty
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ORGANIZATION OF THE WEEK
TO: Public Release
RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern
about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North
Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business.
Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's
market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the
profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity
from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne
environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received
unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will
not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North
Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier
leak that Rudolph's nose got that way,
not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who
was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an
unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of
context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the
"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the
birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order;
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a
good one;
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
therefore enhance their outplacement;
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps;
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While
leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant
because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will
drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals,
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the
attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession
("thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven
dwarfs is the right number.
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
There Once Was A Man From Nantucket
Who’s Dick Was So Long He Could Suck It
He Said With A Grin
As He Wiped Off His Chin,
"If My Ear Were A C#%+ I Would F@#* It!"
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DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
WEEKLY FUNNY CLIP DOWNLOADS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/weekly.html
PAGES 2 SEND
http://www.pages2send.com/
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
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QUICK TAKE
Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
A: Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
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