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Issue 109
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Nimfomanyc
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Jan 07, 2006 00:50 PST
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From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Jan. 6th, 2006 Issue 109
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"Child rearing myth #1: Labor ends when the baby is born."
"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children.
One of these is roots, the other wings."
~ Hodding Carter
{Kids! A parents greatest joy… AND a parents greatest worry. How I
wish the worrying went out the door with them when they left home. I
just wish they could benefit from our experiences and wisdom without
having to experience everything themselves.}
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QUICK TAKE
Q: What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
A: Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Welcome to all the new subscribers. Come on in and make yourself
comfortable. We don’t require anything much from you, except your
attention and an occasional chuckle.
Hello everyone,
Happy New Year Everyone! I hope you all came through the celebration
with only a hangover being the worst of your holiday excesses.
Please forgive me for this issue being late. It’s been a rough week.
May you all find what you are looking for in this New Year. And lots of
happy humping!
But anywho, Happy New Year Everyone!
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JOKES
One day little Johnny's teacher was teaching the class about
agriculture. To help with this, she was showing pictures of farm
equipment. She puts up the first picture, "What is this a picture of
class?" she asks.
Little Suzy puts up her hand and Johnny sticks up his hand. Of course,
the teacher just knows that Johnny has something dirty in mind and picks
Suzy.
"What is this Suzy?".
"Its a rake".
"Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" she asks and points at
the next picture. Johnny's hand shoots up and, little Anne politely puts
up her hand, and once again the teacher ignores little Johnny.
"That's a pitchfork" says little Anne.
"Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" The teacher asks once
more. Dead silence, only one student has their hand up, and of course
its little Johnny. Seeing as how no one else was volunteering, the
teacher asked Johnny. "OK Johnny, what is this?".
All of a sudden Johnny realizes he doesn't know the answer. "UH, UH, its
a shovel, yeah, it's a shovel."
"No Johnny, this isn't a shovel, this is a hoe".
"What?!?! My sister's a hoe and she doesn't look nutin' like that!!"
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A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a
local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached
the Chief for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are
you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."
The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a
little extreme?"
The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh,
I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
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AMY'S COMPUTER GUIDE
This page is completely fucked. In fact, your computer is probably
broken.
The page you are looking for is seriously fucked up and is currently
unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties,
or you may have to re-install your operating system. In which case, too
bad.
Please try the following:
a.. Click the Refresh button, or fill your CD-ROM drawer tray with jam.
This really works.
b.. If you typed the page address in the Address bar, please go away and
learn to spell correctly before returning.
c.. To check your connection status, unplug your PC and insert a
screwdriver into the mains socket. Connection status will immediately
become apparent.
d.. If you like, Microsoft Windows can examine your PC and send details
of all the pornography you have downloaded to its headquarters in
Redmond.
e.. If you would like Windows to ruin your life, click Yes! Send me to
jail!
f.. Some sites you visit require Microsoft's authorization. Click the
Windows menu and then click Let me view boobies! to uninstall this
feature.
g.. If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure you are not
running Windows. Click the My Computer menu, and then right click Drive
C:. On the Menu, select This sucks: Please replace current operating
system with Linux. And don't ask me again.
h.. Click the Back button to try and end this nightmare.
Cannot find server or DNS Error
Or maybe you've killed the Internet.
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide ...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok… not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance
and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like
some advice on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you
can count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
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ADVICE OF THE WEEK
Dennis Miller's Advice to Men About What Women Want
1 - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
2 - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer
her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
3 - Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power
they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent, affordable
childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get
off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more idiots in Congress
blathering about orphanages.
4 - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...
say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next to you. You could
kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady
idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo ...
5 - This is very important: during lovemaking, don't ask, "Who's your
daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
6 - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out.
Words are kind of important.
7 - Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars
to have women their own age in their videos.
8 - Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you
should *know* if she came.
9 - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for
directions.
10 - When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your dick in
your sleep, take it like a man.
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
There Was A Young Nun From Peru
Whom The Bishop Wanted To Screw,
But She Said 'The Vicar
Is Quicker And Slicker,
And Three Inches Longer Than You.'
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DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
WEEKLY FUNNY CLIP DOWNLOADS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/weekly.html
WHICH ONE WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
These 2 web sites do everything they shouldn’t do and nothing that they
should. At least not aesthetically.
http://store.cesinterlinemall.com
http://www.flippotheclown.com/
Take a look at both sites and then go here to vote for your choice to
win (or lose as the case may be) the Worst Site of 2005
http://www.nimsnuts.com/weekly.html
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
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QUICK TAKE
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a throw on
those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards.
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
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