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Issue 110
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Nimfomanyc
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Jan 13, 2006 19:04 PST
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From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Jan 13th, 2006 Issue
110
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man
goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I
slept on bunk beds."
~Joan Rivers
"I know nothing about sex because I was always married."
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
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QUICK TAKE
Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Welcome to all the new subscribers. Come on in and make yourself
comfortable. We don’t require anything much from you, except your
attention and an occasional chuckle.
Hello Everyone,
Not a lot to say this week, other than my week was one of those that
will hopefully seem funny in the future, because it sure isn’t making me
laugh now.
Anywho, on to the reason you subscribe to this newsletter…
The jokes.
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JOKES
The following letter from the family's solicitor is addressed to a
member of the British aristocracy who has been spending much of the
summer in his residence in the south of France leaving his wife in the
United Kingdom to look after the ancestral home.
Dear Sir Royston,
I hope you are having a good time on your holiday. I say this with
sincerity because I am afraid that I have some bad news for you,
although there is good news too. First the bad news. I am sorry to tell
you that your favorite dog, Honey, is dead. The vet says that she died
instantly and could have felt no pain. She was kicked in the head by
your horse, Sherbert, though I'm sure that no blame can be attached to
Sherbert, frightened as he was by the fire in the barn.
I'm afraid that Sherbert was in the barn along with your other horses
when it burnt to the ground. The fire brigade had been called within a
short time of the barn catching fire and would normally have been able
to put the fire out. Had it had not been for the fact that the tender
crashed into your Bentley in the lane. Your wife had taken it out for a
spin with your brother. As it was, both the tender and your Bentley were
written off. No blame can be attached to your wife for the accident I'm
sure.
The Bentley was stationary at the time and your wife was in the back
seat of the car. She managed to escape death only due to the fact that
your brother was lying on top of her at the time of the collision. The
doctors say that given time she will regain her sight but that she will
never walk again. She has also lost her memory and cannot even remember
you. Your brother, unfortunately, was killed.
I should explain how the barn came to be on fire in the first place. You
see a spark from the house blew over and set the roof alight. The fire
started in the main hall of the house where, as you know, your Mattisse
and your Picasso once hung. I say 'once' because they are not there now.
Fortunately neither of these paintings were damaged in the conflagration
as they were stolen beforehand by the burglar who started the fire.
Although all of this may seem to you very serious it is not in fact the
bad news that I wrote of. Your wife and brother had been visiting your
Insurance agent in prison where he is serving a three year sentence for
fraud. I'm afraid that none of your insurance policies are valid.
As I said, there is some good news. The heat from the fire warmed your
greenhouse and brought your flowers on.
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Ooops!
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to
sleep on the floor to avoid any chance of contact, which could happen
pretty easily, since he had been desperate for quite a while.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees the poor
guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled
with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top
drawer of her night table, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it
to him
"Awww, honey, you're so depressed. Here, take this & go to the woman
next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight. Remember now, this
happens only this once. OK?"
The husband can't believe his ears, but afraid that she may change her
mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he
returns, hands the bill back to the wife & says dejectedly, "Crystal
says this is not enough, she wants eighty."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Why that damn bitch. When
she was pregnant & her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty.
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A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the
gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a
few errands, then returned to the doctor.
While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked,
"Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination.
The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was very upset. The following
conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look
pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that
was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or
something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if
it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning,
and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have
commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the
toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: Grandma! That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide ...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok… not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance
and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like
some advice on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you
can count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
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IRISH TRADITION OF THE WEEK
SEX IN THE IRISH TRADITION
THE PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving back
from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish aphrodisiac – 12
pints Guinness, and some fish and chips, his mind set on one thing -
LOVE! Or as he say's himself "the ride". His lust, at fever pitch, after
the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his
beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance of
me hole then love?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited by
the erotic smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to
his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is
expressed with the flirtatious "Would ye ever fuck off!!!".
FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male,
whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife,
that usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed gyrating
with one hand on his hip and the other on the back of his head, singing
the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go."
Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher. This
is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's old Willie Winkie is a trifle
reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to
the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will
offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ye useless
bastard, ye" or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman".
Oral sex is a great favorite of the Irishman. He approaches his wife
with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your teeth round dis?"
The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling
happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go on then", she says "but don't disturb
me".
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again
alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides
which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement
as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature
ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic
phrase "Oh fuck, I've shot me load." If this does occur it is essential
he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving
compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's
ever come across.
An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the woman likes
to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole". The woman
is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of
jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the
ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you
sure it's in?"
Given his level of sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner should
be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the
form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big Boy". Eventually it’s all
over. The man rolls over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a
pig. There's no one in the world that performs quite like an Irishman -
veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
LIMERICK
There Was A Young Sailor From Brighton
Who Said To His Girl, "You're A Tight 'Un."
She Replied, "Upon My Soul,
You're In The Wrong Hole.
There's Plenty Of Room In The Right 'Un."
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DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
WEEKLY FUNNY CLIP DOWNLOADS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/weekly.html
JOB APPLICANT
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/applicant.shtml
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
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QUICK TAKE
A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in
your ear?"
The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"
To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for
the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
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