|
Issue 111
|
Nimfomanyc
|
Jan 21, 2006 00:25 PST
|
:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:
From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Jan 20th, 2006 Issue 111
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
NIMFO'S NASTIES
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
FAMOUS QUOTES
"A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend
will be sitting next to you saying "Man, that was fun!"
"He who seeks a friend without fault remains without."
~ Old Turkish Proverb
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
QUICK TAKE
If I Gave A Shit, You'd Be The First Person I'd Give It To.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
A PERSONAL NOTE
Welcome to all the new subscribers. Come on in and make yourself
comfortable. We don’t require anything much from you, except your
attention and an occasional chuckle.
Hello Everyone,
Gosh, lately it seems like I am constantly having to apologize for late
editions. And here I am again! Forgive me for the lateness of this
issue. I was kidnapped and held hostage (out of town, even) until I was
able to fix my friends mothers computer. What could I do? I owed her at
least that much.
Anywho, on to the reason you subscribe to this newsletter…
The jokes.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
Need a web site for your business? Or just a personal web page? A banner
perhaps? Or maybe a logo design?
Check out ......
M.T. Space Creations
"When Impressions are Ideal;
We have Ideas....
That Impress!!!"
http://www.mtspacecreate.com
Mention this ad and receive 10% off your first order.
(For new customers only.)
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
JOKES
WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright
side, it's really good pay.
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the
tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about
it... She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder? What the hell was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you ... I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed in
Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to
ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... would you like to
take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married. But not to you.
Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you .... it's almost like you're here.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
DRINK CHOICES – MEN
IF MEN DRINK - As always, very simple and clear cut.
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor/student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness : The man is really horny and will get laid one way or another.
Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him class and help him
get laid.
Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf.
Desperate to get laid.
Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get
laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone
who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about
feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into
getting laid.
Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc : He's gay (Blatantly!)
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the
doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I
have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the
girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about
having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I
want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the
hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came
back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will
then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad
will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the
baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets
home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex,
and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman
will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease,
and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide ...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok… not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance
and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like
some advice on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you
can count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
TESTIMONIALS OF THE WEEK
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back....or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
Testimonials of a few women who did...
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I
looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the
boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
Sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard
when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW
that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
So……., I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This
time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants
and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get
any....a true story.
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
LIMERICK
LIMERICK
There Were Three Young Men In Peru
A German, A Bugger, A Jew
The German He Buggered
The Bugger, The Bugger
The Bugger, He Buggered The Jew
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
WEEKLY FUNNY CLIP DOWNLOADS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/weekly.html
STORMS
http://chiliweather.com/
BAYZARRE.COM - Weird, Unusual and Bizarre Ebay Auctions
http://www.bayzarre.com/
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
QUICK TAKE
A man was admitted to hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.
The doctors said it was touch and go.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
|
|
 |
|
