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Issue 112
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Nimfomanyc
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Jan 27, 2006 16:19 PST
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From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Jan 27th, 2006 Issue 112
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
“It’s inherently difficult to get reliable information about an event
that consisted of the destruction of all recorded information.”
People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history.
~ Dan Quayle
{Stating the obvious}
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QUICK TAKE
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But then they go, they
take your house and car with them.
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Welcome to all the new subscribers. Come on in and make yourself
comfortable. We don’t require anything much from you, except your
attention and an occasional chuckle.
Hello Everyone,
Not much to say this week. Hope everyone is well and getting lots of
humping in.
I had an 87 year old woman tell me, “Honey, if you want to do something,
do it, and if you don’t want to do something, don’t. Life is too short
to not do the things you want to do, and much too short to be spending
it doing the things you don’t.” Words to live by.
Anywho, on to the reason you subscribe to this newsletter…
The jokes.
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JOKES
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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DRINK CHOICES – MEN
On the eve of the Gulf War 2, Angus Greenblatt came doon frae' the hills
into Inverness to enlist in the Queen's Own Highlanders (Seaforths &
Camerons). He presented himself before the Recruiting N.C.O., and
according to orders, receited his credentials. The Warrant Officer
nodded approvingly at his answers. Angus thought that he he was in for
sure.
Suddenly, the Warrant Officer slammed Angus' file folder closed, and
said: "Och lad, no go".
"wha'ts this, Sar't Major?" asked the perplexed Angus.
"We canne ha'e ye in the Yoonit," replied the Warrant.
"But why, Sarn't Major? " asked Angus. "Me family's lived in Scotland
since the '45, and me faither sairved in North Africa in the Black Watch
under Montgomery durrin Wairl Warr Twa. Why dinnae ye want me in the
Yoounit?"
"Ye're circumcised, isnae that kerrect?" asked the Warrant.
"Aye", replied Angus. "And tha's an oondeniable fact."
"Och, lad, then that's the reason".
Angus drew himself up to his full height, looked the Warrant Officer in
the eye, and said:
"Och. I can oonderstand that if a mannie wanted to join the Coldstream,
or the Welsh or even the Scots Guards that he'd have to have the "proper
family connections", but this is the fiurrst I eveer heard that ye had
to be a complete prick to get into the Queen's Own Highlanders."
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RODEO PICK-UP LINES
"Got 8 seconds?"
"Ropes, spurs, leather gloves -- Honey, even if I weren't no cowboy,
we're talking a good time!"
"Honey, I need a belt buckle this large to keep from gettin' arrested in
Mississippi."
"Ain't no rodeo clown in the world that could keep me off you, Darlin'."
"Here's my number, call me when you need a few bucks."
"Run if ya want, Missy, but I'll have you hog-tied quicker than you can
say 'stay away from me you Skoal-chewin'freak.'"
"How'd you like to put a pinch of me between your cheek and gum?"
"Them calves of yours sure look like they could use a bit of ropin'."
"I'll be in Intensive Care later. Why don't you drop by?"
"You sure make me wish I hadn't crapped my pants when that bull
charged."
"Is that a pelvis broken in three places, or are you just happy to see
me?"
"That's right, I said 'AND the horse you rode in on.'"
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide ...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok… not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance
and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like
some advice on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you
can count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
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FLAMING OF THE WEEK
Flaming has evolved into a highly-stylized art form, complete with
unwritten rules and guidelines.
Here, I have attempted to document the Art of Flaming, in such a way as
it will be interesting to old hands (flame masters) and novices
(virgins) alike. Without a further ado, then, I present:
THE 12 COMMANDMENTS OF FLAMING:
Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies
sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly,
LiCkY has no brain, and is a moron to boot."
Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're
qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "LiCkY, by using the word
'LiCk' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy."
Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next
literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From rec.arts.wobegon to
alt.tasteless.jokes, they're ALL holding their breaths until your next
flame. Therefore, post EVERYWHERE.
Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
possibly be that you're a fuckwit. There's obviously a conspiracy
against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing
it....;-)
Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin &
Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in
good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, lab~rat has
libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Rodent."
Force them to document their claims: Even if SpitFire states outright
that he likes to view womens tits, you should demand documentation. If
Newsweek hasn't written an article on Spitty's tit preferences, then
Spitty's obviously lying.
Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of
flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per
article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "vini, vidi,
vici," and "fetuccini alfredo."
Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince
them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that
you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Morons of America. Tell them the
scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my
SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ."
Accuse your opponent of censorship: It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want as many times as u want to
the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries
to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a
communist, a fascist, or both.
Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponents, have
you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen
them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the
beauty of flamers' logic.
LiCk, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up!
When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this
ONE. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will
undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you.
This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you
look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do:
insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things
with vegetables."
*The Golden Rule of Flaming*
My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or
sarcastic, but NEVER, EVER, will they be boring. At least not to me and
Im all that matters.
Here endeth the scriptures....
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
LIMERICK
A Farmer I Know Named O'Doole
Has A Long And Incredible Tool.
He Can Use It to Plow,
Or To Diddle a Cow,
Or Just As A Cue Stick For Pool.
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DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
WEEKLY FUNNY CLIP DOWNLOADS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/weekly.html
LOVE MAGIC
http://www.realmagic.net/dp/1-6.htm
Web Puzzler
http://imagiware.com/puzzle/
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
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QUICK TAKE
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for suck here.
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
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