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Issue 113
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Nimfomanyc
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Feb 03, 2006 16:04 PST
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From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Feb 3rd, 2006 Issue 113
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them
never happened."
~ Mark Twain
"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
~ G.K. Chesterton
{I am squeaky clean! Because all the troubles I’ve known (or caused),
were ones other people wish never happened.}
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QUICK TAKE
Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician.
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Welcome to all the new subscribers. Come on in and make yourself
comfortable. We don’t require anything much from you, except your
attention and an occasional chuckle.
Hello Everyone,
Hello, and Happy Friday to you all! This past week was a good one for
me, (Yippee!) which doesn’t happen all that often, so I am in a rather
laid back, mellow mood. Hope you all enjoy the jokes, and make sure to
check out the movie clips in the download section this week. They are a
couple of good ones.
Anywho, on to the reason you subscribe to this newsletter…
The jokes.
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(For new customers only.)
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JOKES
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism
Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie....
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does
not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is. .... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl
I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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THE MODERN VERSION
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway."
"Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a
date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked
into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then
your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had
use a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later, A blessed little pop-up appeared and said: "You have got a
Male."
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A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact
he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all the
hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good
venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV
station to speak with the advertising manager.
The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the
Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop
of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red
beans..."
The sales manager said, "Okay, okay, I get the message. And what would
you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"
The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly,
"I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."
"$300!" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!
The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the
Super Bowl! The makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the
audience!"
The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those
people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide ...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok… not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance
and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like
some advice on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you
can count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
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DRIVER OF THE WEEK
Little Johnny was playing Washington, DC taxi driver. He was using a
discarded vegetable crate for the body and the hub cap from a Cadillac
for the steering wheel. "Hey look at me!" he squealed. "Here I am, a
real DC taxi driver, driving up Pennsylvania Avenue at 70 miles and hour
and picking up speed." As he was busily steering, he was also making the
accompanying noises of blowing the horn, cursing out pedestrians who ran
across the street in front of him, giving drivers the one-finger salute
who got in his way, and screeching his brakes as he tried to avoid being
hit or hitting someone.
Little Mary was sitting on her tricycle watching intently. Becoming
interested in what he was doing and all the excitement he was having,
she asked, "Johnny, can I please go riding with you. When you take that
senator to his office, can I ride with you? Pleeeeeease Johnny!,
Pleeeeeeeease!"
"Wait just a minute," little Johnny said, as he cut back the sound of
his motor and began to slow down the sounds of his motor. "I'll drop
this guy off, swing around the block, come up the right way on that
one-say street you're on and take you up for a quick ride."
Little Mary climbed on the back of the vegetable crate and said, "I'm
in, let's go!"
"Hey, fasten your seat belt," little Johnny commanded. "I'm a real taxi
driver and I like to drive fast. The faster I drive, the more money I
make and the more people I hear scream. So, prepare yourself, I'm fixing
to make the tires squeal!"
After checking things out and revving up the engine, off the went. About
the time he was up to 80 miles and hour, and had narrowly missed a tour
bus, Little Mary announced that she had to pee pee.
"Hey, don't make to stop right now, I'm on the way to the airport to
catch a flight for some guy who's late. I'm sorry, but you'll just have
to hold on for a second," Little Johnny said quite concerned with her
discomfort. "You've got to hang in there for another minute or so!"
Little Johnny heard something that sounded like water running and when
he looked down he saw a stream of yellow running between his feet. Then,
he glanced around and to see better he turned around and stared -- there
sat Little Mary with her 'girlhood' exposed.
"Gee, that little thing is cute," he said, "real cute. Would you mind if
I touch it?"
She nodded that he could, and he did -- ever so very briefly. "Hey,
would you like to kiss it?" she asked.
"Hell no, I don't. You got me all wrong. You must have forgotten just
who you're riding with," exclaimed Little Johnny. "I ain't Bill Clinton
or Gary Condit, I'm just a DC taxi driver!"
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
LIMERICK
Tim Had Traveled To Peru
In Search Of The Ultimate Screw.
When His Trip Was Complete,
He Zipped Up His Meat
And Said To The Ladies, ''Thank You!''
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DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
WEEKLY FUNNY CLIP DOWNLOADS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/weekly.html
MOST ANNOYING PHRASES (PHRASES BANNED FROM THE ENGLISH DICTIONARY.)
http://snipurl.com/m3o2
WHERE BONES MEET BONERS ®
http://www.goregasm.com/index.php?weird=1
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
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QUICK TAKE
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now
I am so far behind, I will live forever.
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
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