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Issue 114
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Nimfomanyc
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Feb 17, 2006 02:43 PST
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From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Feb 17th, 2006 Issue 114
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions."
~ Ellen Glasgow
"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364
days of the year."
~ Mark Twain
{So….get out of your rut…and quit acting the fool. Lol}
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QUICK TAKE
Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our
job to stomp them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Welcome to all the new subscribers. Come on in and make yourself
comfortable. We don’t require anything much from you, except your
attention and an occasional chuckle.
Hello Everyone,
Hello All,
I am feeling much better this week. Hallelujah! Thank you to all of
you who wrote in wishing me well. Those emails really made my day.
This weeks issue is in honor of St. Valentine’s Day, even though it has
come and gone. (Hopefully, you all enjoyed your V-day and celebrated
appropriately. Heehee)
And last but not least, Happy Birthday to my daughter who
turned….gasp….28 yesterday. (I was a very young mother!)
Anywho, on to the reason you subscribe to this newsletter…
The jokes.
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JOKES
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC
SECOND LINE:
Love may be beautiful,
Love may be bliss
But I only slept with you,
Because I was pissed.
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I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
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Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty
And so is your head.
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Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.
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Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.
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I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
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I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
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My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life.
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I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming.
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My love, you take my breath away --
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
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My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."
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What inspired this amorous rhyme? --
Two parts vodka, one part lime!
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SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
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LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out
this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
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QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
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CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was
considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium,
$14,000 for large.
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged
him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The
doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary.
The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
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WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over
the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.
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THE HORSE RACE
THE LINEUP:
In lane 1: Passionate Lady.
In lane 2: Bare Belly.
In lane 3: Silk Panties.
In lane 4: Conscience.
In lane 5: Jockey Shorts.
In lane 6: Clean Sheets.
In lane 7: Thighs.
In lane 8: Big Dick.
In lane 9: Heavy Bosom.
In lane 10: Merry Cherry.
AAAAAAAAAAND THEY'RE OFF.
Conscience is left behind at the gate... Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties
are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured and Passionate Lady
is caught between Thighs, and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot...
AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy
Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and
Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick...
AT THE STRETCH:
It’s Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.....Big Dick is making a final
drive... Big Dick moves inside and Passionate Lady is coming...
AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got....Passionate Lady takes
everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but... Big
Dick comes through with one final thrust, and wins by a head... Bare
Belly shows and Thighs weaken... Heavy Bosom pulls up.....and Clean
Sheets never had a chance!!!
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide ...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok… not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance
and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like
some advice on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you
can count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
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UNDERSTANDING OF THE WEEK
UNDERSTANDING RELATIONSHIPS:
ATTRACTION - The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
DATING - The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially
like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL - Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating
repulsive men or spending time around young children.
EASY - A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a
man.
EYE CONTACT - A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a
man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many
women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND - A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance, who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE - A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by
the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING - A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all
the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT - What the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY - How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC - A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often
than he does.
FRIGID - A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than
he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
SOBER - Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
NAG - A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than
just sex.
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
LIMERICK
A Bather Whose Clothing Was Strewed
By Winds That Left Her Quite Nude
Saw A Man Come Along
And, Unless I’m Quite Wrong,
You Expected This Line To Be Lewd!
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DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
WEEKLY FUNNY CLIP DOWNLOADS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/weekly.html
XXX CARTOONS ®
http://www.xxxarea.com/archives/comics.html
XBOX 360 CHEAT CODES -
http://www.xbox-360-cheat-codes.com/
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
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QUICK TAKE
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they
go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
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