|
Issue 115
|
Nimfomanyc
|
Feb 24, 2006 19:05 PST
|
:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:
From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Feb 24th, 2006 Issue
114
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
NIMFO'S NASTIES
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
FAMOUS QUOTES
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not at all
true. I have the heart of a young boy. ...In a jar.... On my
desk.
~ Steven King
I never set out to be weird. It was always the other people who called
me weird.
~ Frank Zappa
{I just adore weird and terrible people. They have soooo much fun.
Lol}
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
QUICK TAKE
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: 1.) They have no
wife to go home to... or 2.) they do.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
A PERSONAL NOTE
Welcome to all the new subscribers. Come on in and make yourself
comfortable. We don’t require anything much from you, except your
attention and an occasional chuckle.
Hello Everyone,
Another week gone! How the time flies when you are having fun! And even
when you are not having fun. It only seems to drag slowly when you are
not having fun, but a minute after it’s gone, even the no fun time goes
by too fast.
My Granddaughter started walking this week. She is growing so fast. My
oldest Grandsons will soon be teenagers and yet I still think I am 28
years old. I’m still partying with the youngsters, just not as often as
I used to. Oh and now I am starting to think of them as youngsters. I
don’t think that’s a good sign!
Anywho, on to the reason you subscribe to this newsletter…
The jokes.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
Need a web site for your business? Or just a personal web page? A banner
perhaps? Or maybe a logo design?
Check out ......
M.T. Space Creations
"When Impressions are Ideal;
We have Ideas....
That Impress!!!"
http://www.mtspacecreate.com
Mention this ad and receive 10% off your first order.
(For new customers only.)
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
JOKES
ALL ABOUT WACKY TOBACCY
Your mama is like a joint, everybody gets a hit
A woman was complaining about how the time of the month made her hungry.
"I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal." A man overhearing her
said, "that's funny, usually when I have the munchies, its
home-grown-al.
Last week I bought a bag I thought was sinsimilla, but instead it was
seeds a million.
Your mind is like a parachute: it works better when it’s high.
I quit smoking pot once....it was the worst 15 minutes of my life.
You know you’re a stoner if your bong gets washed more than your dishes.
You know you are really high when:
1. It takes an hour to cook minute rice.
2. You sell your car for gas money.
3. You think a quarterback is a refund.
4. Your friend takes a hit and says, that stone got me really hit.
Q. What do you call a cop with an ounce of primo Pot?
A. The fucking cop who busted me.
Q. Did you hear they're gonna make the Dallas Cowboys start playing on a
natural turf?
A. Yah! they're already snorting all the lines and smoking all the
grass.
A hippy was seen crawling down some railway tracks.
When asked if there was a problem, he said, “yeah man, can you help me
off this ladder?”
Q. Which end of the joint should one light?
A. The end that’s not in your mouth.
Q. How is the Ohio State Buckeyes and marijuana the same?
A. They both get smoked in bowls.
Q. What do you do if a stoner throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Take the pin out and throw it back.
Q. How do you stop an army of stoners on horseback?
A. Turn off the carousel.
Q. What do potheads catch when they go fishing?
A. Red-eyes and cottonmouth.
Q. What’s the difference between a bong for breakfast and anal sex?
A. One makes your day, but the other makes your hole weak.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack. Jack
lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their
daughter Mabel.
One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel
bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the
first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange
phenomena.
Upon finding the farmer he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out
his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer.
"Farmer, Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer. "Don't worry
about it. It happens to all men."
"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the
milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down
quick smart, trust me."
The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the
farmers’ wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed
into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfuls of shit.
Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied, "I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go
down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and
lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"
So he did. Both handfuls!
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
MARINES are always taught:
1) Keep your priorities in order and
2) Know when to act without hesitation.
A MARINE was attending some college courses between assignments. He had
completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a
member of the ACLU. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked
to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want
you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still
waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the MARINE got out of his
chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off
the platform. The professor was out cold. The MARINE went back to his
seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and
stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
MARINE and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do
that?"
The MARINE calmly replied, "God was too busy today taking care of
America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and
act like an asshole. So He sent me."
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide ...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok… not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance
and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like
some advice on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you
can count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
ADS OF THE WEEK
REAL ADS FROM SCOTTISH LONELY-HEARTS COLUMN.
Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,
Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango
sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must
have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.
Box 06/03
Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in
pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall
Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.
Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée
Seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41
Ginger-haired Patrick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a
few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more. Box 84/87
Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce
along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey.
Strong stomach essential. Box 12/32
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will
Include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social
functions. References required. No time wasters. Box 23/45
Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b*st*rd living in a damp cottage in the
arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big
chest. Box 40/27
Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs
in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box
52/07
Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition
at Frampton’s Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic
man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and
listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41
Govan man, 27, medium build, square head, big moustache and curly hair,
seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
LIMERICK
LIMERICK
There Was A Young Fellow Named Pell
Who Didn't Like Cunt Very Well.
He Would Finger And Fuck One,
But Never Would Suck One---
He Just Couldn't Get Used To The Smell.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
WEEKLY FUNNY CLIP DOWNLOADS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/weekly.html
COLOR LANDFORM ATLAS OF THE UNITED STATES
http://fermi.jhuapl.edu/states/states.html
PEG-A-PERSONA
http://klosedkaption.zboxhosting.com/peg/peg.html
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
QUICK TAKE
An older man was sunbathing in the nude, when a wasp stung him on the
penis.
He made an urgent visit to his doctor and explained the situation.
"Please can you remove the sting, Doctor?" he pleaded…"But don't do
anything about the swelling."
.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.
Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
|
|
 |
|
