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issue 116
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Nimfomanyc
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Mar 04, 2006 11:03 PST
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From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Mar 3rd, 2006 Issue 116
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature
into his pictures."
~Henry Ward Beecher
"It is not real work unless you would rather be doing something else."
~J. M. Barrie
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QUICK TAKE
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Welcome to all the new subscribers. Come on in and make yourself
comfortable. We don’t require anything much from you, except your
attention and an occasional chuckle.
Hello Everyone,
My apologies for the lateness of this issue. Topica had some down time
for upgrades. I hope everyone had a terrific week.
Anywho, on to the reason you subscribe to this newsletter…
The jokes.
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JOKES
TRAGEDY? VS ACCIDENT?
Jesse Jackson is speaking at a school and asks the children to give him
an example of a tragedy.
A little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and
knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we
would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet
voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Reverend Jackson were struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and
it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's
Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get
mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in
shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And
if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could shoot the fucker."
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At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country
house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.”
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
"What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the
water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the
candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike
Driver."
SCROLL DOWN
SILENCE...................
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide ...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok… not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance
and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like
some advice on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you
can count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
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NIPPLES OF THE WEEK
RING!
Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave...
"Is this the water department?"
Yes Ma'am, for most of this area...
"Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water"
I'll try and help...
"Why are my nipples getting so hard?"
You're not really serious...
"I AM SO!! My nipples... they're hard and they have this white coating
on them!"
Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff...
"Not only that, they're getting warped!"
I see...
"They used to be soft, pink and round!"
I'm sure they were...
"Now they really look disgusting!"
I'm sure they do...
"So I want to know what you're going to do about this!"
I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your
personal physician?
"Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from
the water!"
I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing
this?
"He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that."
Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off?
"Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!"
Now I understand...
"Are you going to buy me new ones?"
Why would we do that?
"Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore. He's
been sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to really
suck..."
May I ask how old your baby is?
"He's six, going on seven"
Six... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old for
the bottle...
"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!"
I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples?
"Since he was born"
Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the
water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and they are hard
and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years...
"So! You are refusing to pay!"
Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they
might just be plain worn out.
"THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!"
There is really nothing more I can do for you...
"JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?"
Well, why don't you just run down to our main office. There you can file
an insurance claim...
"What good would that do? Will they give me the money?"
They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not...
"Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay more
attention than you have?"
Just show them your nipples!!
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
LIMERICK
Said A Horny Young Girl From Milpitas,
"My Favorite Sport Is Coitus."
But A Fullback From State
Made Her Period Late,
And Now She Has Athlete's Fetus!
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DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
WEEKLY FUNNY CLIP DOWNLOADS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/weekly.html
THE FANTABULOUS ICON-O-MATIC!
http://www.ribbonomatic.com/matic/iconomatic.html
UNFORTUNATE CARDS
http://www.capnwacky.com/cards/
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
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QUICK TAKE
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked
Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
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