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Issue 119
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Nimfomanyc
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Mar 31, 2006 21:38 PST
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From: nim-@nimsnuts.com
Mar 31st, 2006 Issue 119
NIMFOMANYC'S NAUGHTY NUTHOUSE
presents
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NIMFO'S NASTIES
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Section 1
Famous Quotes
Quick Take
A Personal Note
Section 2
Jokes
Ask Aunt Nasty
Spotlight
Section 3
Limerick
Links
Quick Take
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FAMOUS QUOTES
"To the man who only has a hammer in the toolkit, every problem looks
like a nail."
~ Abraham H. Maslow
Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
{It’s all about perspective. Make sure you look at things in more than
one way. People who can only see one side of things are boring and
usually opinionated and most often, wrong.}
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QUICK TAKE
IF There Was A Gay On Your Back, Would You Beat Him Off?
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A PERSONAL NOTE
Welcome to all the new subscribers. Come on in and make yourself
comfortable. We don’t require anything much from you, except your
attention and an occasional chuckle.
Hello Everyone,
My apologies to all for the non-issue last week. I just wasn’t up to
it. Almost wasn’t up to it this week either. Hope everyone is well and
getting lots of nooky.
Anywho, on to the reason you subscribe to this newsletter…
The jokes.
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Mention this ad and receive 10% off your first order.
(For new customers only.)
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JOKES
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks
who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St. Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church...Never heard of it... Wait, I'll check
with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your
representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of...
Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a
few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still
exists!"
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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking
sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus. So shut the hell up."
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NOTES FROM A THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
woman.
My name is Rob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Annette.
When I took "early retirement” last year, it became necessary for
Annette to get a full-time job, for both the extra income and for the
health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I
noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets
home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I
don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me
when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's
Grill at the club so eating out is not a reasonable option. I'm ready
for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to
get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she
won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me also.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Annette.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get
older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other
... Rob
EDITOR'S NOTE: Rob died suddenly Thursday the 26th. He was found with a
Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his rear end,
with only 2 inches of grip showing...His wife Annette was arrested, the
all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat down
on it very suddenly.
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Want your *moment* in the spotlight?? To be more famous than ________
(fill in blank with the name of your favorite famous personage)???
Send us your jokes and quote contributions and we'll make your name a
household word across the nation; worldwide even!! Well maybe not
worldwide ...hmmm, maybe not even nationwide.... ok, ok… not even a
household word, but we will give you credit for your contributions.
GUARANTEED!! Or your joke/quote back! WITH INTEREST!!!
Send your contributions, comments, and/or suggestions to
mailto:joke-@nimsnuts.com
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¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
Aunt Nasty is THE expert on matters pertaining to *LOVE* *SEX*
and *RELATIONSHIPS* For many years now, people everywhere have been
seeking out her advice whenever they've had questions about romance
and/or the libido. If you have a problem or question that you'd like
some advice on, just send an e-mail to AuntN-@nimsnuts.com and you
can count on her giving you advice you'll not find anywhere else!!
¡ASK AUNT NASTY¡
AuntN-@nimsnuts.com
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LAWS OF THE WEEK
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch
or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start
to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop
making it.
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Would you like to advertise in Nimfo's Nasties? We will never
run more than 3 sponsors/advertisers per newsletter, so your
ad will NOT be just one more in a long list of advertisers. We
are providing this newsletter, not as a gimmick to sell things to our
subscribers, but for the enjoyment of our readers and
because it's something I enjoy doing. For more information
about advertising in this newsletter send an e-mail to
mailto:ad-@nimsnuts.com with Rates in the subject.
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LIMERICK
LIMERICK
"Sex Is A Sin," Mused Miss Willow
As She Eyed The Nude Man From Her Pillow,
"But Your Equipment's So Small
That It's No Sin At All
I Would Term It A Mere Peccadillo."
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DOWNLOADS AND LINKS
Smutty links will have an ® next to them.
(You may have to copy and paste these links into your browser.)
WEEKLY FUNNY CLIP DOWNLOADS
http://www.nimsnuts.com/weekly.html
EVER WONDER HOW A COMPANY CAME BY ITS NAME?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_company_name_etymologies
CROSSWORD CREATOR
http://www.varietygames.com/CW/
Send in your cool links to mailto:lin-@nimsnuts.com and if we like em,
we’ll share them here.
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QUICK TAKE
The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are
demanding to make less money!
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Didn't get your fill of humor? Well, never let it be said that the
Nimfomanyc left someone unsatisfied.
You can read back issues here…
http://www.nimsnuts.com/archive.html
Or just check out the web site, new stuff being added all the time.
Nimfomanyc’s Naughty Nuthouse
http://www.nimsnuts.com
See ya next week! Same place! Same time! {hmmm well ... perhaps, a
different time...lol}
Life is a Joy!
Experience Life!
Enjoy your experiences!
THE Nimfomanyc
Nim-@nimsnuts.com
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