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COURTESY COACH: September 2006
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The Tea Party Company
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Aug 20, 2006 08:11 PDT
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IN THIS ISSUE:
WHERE HAS THE COURTESY COACH BEEN?!
THE LOST ART OF CONVERSATION
TEAM HOYT--A Story of Incomparable Inspiration
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“Let me tell you I am better acquainted with you for a long absence, as
men are with themselves for a long affliction; absence does but hold off
a friend, to make one see him the truer.”
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FEATURED WEBSITE: www.teamhoyt.com
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WHERE HAS THE COURTESY COACH NEWSLETTER BEEN?!
Time certainly flies when you’re busy...and who isn’t busy these days?
First, allow me to apologize for the long absence from the newsletter.
The truth is that there are many reasons for the long pause, mainly
changes in my job schedule which have caused me to all but cease my
manners and etiquette classes for children. Because promoting and
publicizing those classes was an initial reason for ‘The Courtesy Coach’
newsletters in the first place, I suppose the fire in my belly to get
them published on a regular basis diminished somewhat. And
logistically, those same changes to my work schedule have also made it
simply impossible for me to compose ‘The Courtesy Coach’ in the way that
I used to.
But the good news is that my schedule is now back to a regular pace, I
find myself at the end of a glorious summer spent with my three great
kids. And I’m excited to share with you that I am co-authoring a
children’s book (although it’s WAY too early to disclose any
details—since they’re still really sketchy at the moment).
It was inspiring to know that folks remain interested in the topic of
Cultivating a Culture of Courtesy. The fact is that so much SPAM comes
to my newsle-@teapartycompany.com email account, that I had
apparently deleted the previous notices from Topica (the host of this
newsletter), until one day a couple of weeks ago, I opened it up and was
shocked to see that there were over sixty for subscriptions to the
newsletter which had accumulated over the past few months!
And so I find myself inspired to dust off the newsletter and begin
again. As always, I welcome your contribution! Do you have stories
which might help others cultivate a culture of courtesy in their homes,
schools, classrooms, or communities? Please share them and I’ll work to
ensure that we don’t have such a long pause between newsletter issues in
the future!
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THE LOST ART OF CONVERSATION
with an excerpt from:
BAD NEWS COMES IN SMALL BYTES
by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
As someone who is positively addicted to technology, particularly email,
I know all too well the possible pitfalls of communicating with our
fingers instead of our faces. Have we lost the art of having difficult
conversations face to face? A relevant and thought-provoking article
from www.time.com is excerpted below:
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Consider how you last heard some stinging bad news. Did the bearer of
that news have the courage to tell you in person, or perhaps did you get
the word by voicemail? Or how about the last time you declined an
invitation — did you resort to email, so you didn't have to see the
glance of disappointment on the inviter's face?
Increasingly, it seems that we rely on technology to mediate socially
uncomfortable conversations. Whether it's our shyness at meeting new
people, or our queasiness when having to deliver the honest truth, we've
figured out that having a tech assist is easier than having a straight
spine.
Look at how technology is freeing parents from having to be the bad cop
all the time. We use television as an alarm clock for our children: when
the show's over, it's time for bed, or time for school. We don't have to
be the bossy parent who enforces bedtimes — we get to be the cool parent
who lets his kid watch a show. Now there's a DVD filtering device called
Clearplay, which edits out violence, sex, and foul language on the fly.
You no longer have to be the meanie who puts his foot down with a stern,
"You're too young for that movie." Let them watch whatever they choose,
knowing Clearplay's got your back. And when they do get older, no longer
does your teenager have to shamefully admit where he's been all night.
Thanks to the GPS tracker in his phone, you already know.
We know someone has to be the disciplinarian, it's just that we all
prefer to take the cheerleader role. We've become a society of coddlers.
Be it to children, employees, or students, we don't come down hard
anymore. At least not in the flesh. But with a gadget in hand, we're
merciless.
Over in England, 2,500 employees of an insurance firm were fired by a
group text message. The firm wanted everyone to hear the news at the
same time, as if that was fairer. Instead, getting the axe by text only
made the employees more offended. They looted the firm's offices of
computers.
Why does a little technology make it so much easier to be a hard-[nose]?
If you're going to fire someone, why is it easier to fire them with the
push of a button than a face-to-face conversation? New research out of
Princeton suggests that we actually process moral decisions in a
different region of our brain when human contact is eliminated. If we
have to confront the person, we process a moral decision in the parts of
our brain that govern emotional empathy and social intelligence. If we
only have to push a button, we process the decision near our temples,
where we do our logical processing. We become dispassionate computers.
And jerks.
We've always been warned that the consequence of so much technology is
isolation. But perhaps it's isolation from consequences that we seek,
because we lack the fortitude to face consequences in real life. In a
recent poll from Britain, 54% of women under 25 regularly pretend to be
talking on their cell phone in order to keep unfamiliar people from
striking up a conversation with them. Now I wonder if my kids are
watching television only to avoid having to talk with me.
According to a Microsoft survey, almost 4 out of 5 users report that bad
behavior occurs online more than in real life. Half of those polled said
it occurs "far more." One theory is that we lose our inhibitions online
— as if we've all had four beers, and so we start saying things we don't
mean. No doubt that's part of it. But maybe people are actually more
honest online — and we prefer it that way.
It's easier to break up with a boyfriend by text message than face him
in person; that way, you don't have to suffer through his tears. Just
like it's easier to complain about restaurant service online than to
tell the waiter there's a fly in the soup. And we enjoy confessing
secrets to anonymous web sites visited by total strangers, but we can't
admit that same secret to the one person we betrayed.
Thanks to technology, every literary agent can tell every author, "Your
book's great." We let Amazon's rating system deliver the truth. Every
politician can surround himself with yes men. Only the polls have the
courage to say no. We're so accustomed to the watered-down, milquetoast
version of news that when someone tells the truth, we're shocked and
appalled.
The difference between talking in person and talking via technology is
like the difference between an essay question and a True/False question.
In face-to-face contact, far more than words are used to communicate.
Tone is established, and para-verbal cues register mood. It's a lot
harder to tell a convincing lie in person, and it's a lot harder to
feign confidence. Rather than learn to manage these moments, we've
punted it over to a realm where none of that matters.
In the creations of Hollywood, a person who enforces the rules is often
the villain. Think of Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,
or Dean Wormer in Animal House. But in real life, enforcing the rules is
actually necessary. So is resisting peer pressure, and learning to speak
up in the moment. In real life, you might even have to introduce
yourself in person, without first breaking the ice by sending a "MySpace
Friend Request."
Social etiquette is apparently just too much work to be bothered with.
Saying "no" artfully is old school. Using a little humor to soften the
moment is passé. Expressing a little empathy is too time-consuming.
But when you have to tell the truth to someone's face, will you remember
how it's done?
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TEAM HOYT
Dick and Rick Hoyt are a father-and-son team from Massachusetts who
together compete just about continuously in marathon races. And if
they’re not in a marathon they are in a triathlon–that daunting, almost
superhuman combination of 26.2 miles of running, 112 miles of bicycling,
and 2.4 miles of swimming. Together they have climbed mountains, and
once trekked 3,735 miles across America.
It’s a remarkable record of exertion–all the more so when you consider
that Rick can’t walk or talk.
For the past twenty five years or more Dick, who is 65, has pushed and
pulled his son across the country and over hundreds of finish lines.
When Dick runs, Rick is in a wheelchair that Dick is pushing. When Dick
cycles, Rick is in the seat-pod from his wheelchair, attached to the
front of the bike. When Dick swims, Rick is in a small but heavy,
firmly stabilized boat being pulled by Dick.
To see video http://www.youtube.com and search for ‘Team Hoyt’. To
learn more, visit www.teamhoyt.com.
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The mission of The Courtesy Project is to Cultivate a Culture of
Courtesy where individuals work, live, play, and learn. Our training
improves work and employability skills by improving life skills.
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PLEASE SHARE THE COURTESY COACH NEWSLETTER
Please feel free to forward this newsletter to others! Read archived
messages at http://lists.topica.com/lists/teatime or visit our website
at www.mannersforkids.com
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