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Welcome to The Funnies
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Jim Dowers
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Aug 17, 2009 05:21 PDT
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From Carlisle,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG
Monday August 17,2009
Today's country music video :
★ Dottie West & Kenny Rogers ★ All I Ever Need Is You ★ [1978]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EnteS-YKiY
She Was Only Seventeen by Marty Robbins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVmsnnLaqh0&feature=PlayList&p=442B8FC0E96D9748&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=36
Thought For Today:
I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.
- Thomas Jefferson
We accompanied our son and his fiancee when they met with her priest to sign some pre-wedding ceremony papers. While filling out the form, our son read aloud a few questions. When he got to the last one which read "Are you entering this marriage at your own will?" he looked over at this fiancee.
"Put down 'yes'" she said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As Sarah's extended family of twelve gathered around the big table for a holiday feast, her hustand Don raised a glass of wine and said, "I'd like to make a toast, everyone," All the guests but Sarah's six-year-old daughter Paige raised their glasses. Paige announced, "I want some turkey, not toast, please."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Obama says not to worry about the government health care plan competeing with the independant health care organazations. "Look at UPS and FEDX, they are doing alright, its the post office thats in trouble."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. Well, said the scout. Mom had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michael: It’s hard for my sister to eat.
Maureen: Why?
Michael: She can’t bear to stop talking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alan was listening to his sister practice her singing.
Sis, he said, I wish you'd sing Christmas carols.
That’s nice of you, Alan, she replied. Why?
Alan responded, "Because Christmas is five months away."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My cousin wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My brother's one of the biggest stickup men in town.
Gosh is he really?
Yes, he's a six-foot-six billposter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sue's father ran into the bedroom when he heard her scream and found her two-year old brother pulling her hair. He gently released the little boy's grip and said comfortingly to Sue, "There, there. He didn't mean it. He doesn't know that hurts."
Dad was barely out of the room when the little boy screamed. Rushing back in, he asked, "What happened?"
"He knows now," Sue replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary: What position does your cousin play on the school football team?
Lucy: I think he's one of the drawbacks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Big Brother: That planet over there is Mars.
Little Brother: Then that other one must be Pa's.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A distraught mother rushed into the backyard, where her eight- year-old son was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker.
"What do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"I'm just entertaining my little sister," explained Tommy.
"Where is she?" asked Mom.
"Under the bath.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?
Son: You told me to change the baby.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS IN BED.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Karen, my granddaughter, came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her how to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy demonstration of how to thread the machine, Karen stepped back and put her hands on her hips. "You mean you can do all that," she said in disbelief, "but you can't operate my Game Boy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was just settling into a barber's chair when I overheard the elderly man next to me say, "I'm not much for pills, but I am taking Ginkgo-Viagra. I want to remember what sex was like."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's time to diet and exercise when you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but not while you're wearing a bathing suit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TV has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for the remote control.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you make a bandstand?
A: Take away their chairs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I decided to buy an outfit for my girlfriend this weekend. I went to the mall and found a really cool twin set in this one store, but for the life of me I couldn't remember what size she is.
I looked around and luckily saw another customer in the store who was built pretty much like my girlfriend. So I went up to the person and said, "Excuse me, sir, but what size are you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old
friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the
hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM O.K.?!!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For some reason, the bookstore clerk couldn't get the computer to recognize
my preferred customer card. Peering over her shoulder at the screen, I said,
"There's part of the problem. It shows my birth date as 12/31/1899."
"That's right," my husband chimed in. "She was born in June not December."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My granddaughter, Marie, was watching me do some housework one day and
told me how much she liked a Victorian couch I have. “Well,” I told her, “you
can have it when I die.”
“But, I don't want you to die!” Marie said.
Then, after a few moments of silence, she said, “Grandma, could I pick it up
on the way back from the funeral?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His aching back made it impossible for my friend's husband
to get a decent night's rest on their lumpy mattress. "Until
I feel better, I'm going to sleep on the couch," he
announced.
Ordinarily, a spouse moving out of the bedroom isn't a good
sign for the marriage. So his wife couldn't resist: "Okay,
but as soon as we have an argument you're back in our bed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Over the years, my husband and I have usually
managed to decode the cute but confusing gender
signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors
(Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but
every so often we get stumped.
Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search
of the men's room and found himself confronted by
two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and
the other was designated "Cactus."
Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee
passing by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom,"
Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked,
"Which one should I use?"
"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee
said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men."
"Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While vacationing, a customer came into a deli for some polish sausage.
"How much would you like?" my co-worker Stefan asked. Puzzled over
the metric price, the man looked up and replied haltingly, "Um, a kilometer,
please."
Stefan handed the end of the meat coil to him and said, "Take this outside
and I'll tell you when to stop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked,
"What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she
spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flying through the Midwest in the summertime means one thing:
turbulence. I was working as a flight attendant on one particular
flight when we hit a patch of very rough air just after a young
teenager, obviously on her first flight, had entered the bathroom.
After the bumps had subsided, she exited the bathroom, a look
of sheer terror etched on her face.
"Are you all right?" I asked as I helped her to her seat. "That
turbulence was as bad as it gets."
"So that's what it was," she said. "I thought I'd pushed the
wrong button."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband, a forester, often has to consult property
owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt
road to question one such individual, he encountered
signs that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and
"Keep Out...This Means You!" Finally arriving at the
door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative
landowner.
When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to
him, "Come and see me again sometime. I don't get
many visitors up this way."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his
arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his
snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the
factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed
his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With
this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where
you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your
mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"There's an unseen force which lets birds know when you've
just washed your car."
Today's Links:
*some links may have adult contents on the same page, I have no control what
else appears on the page. Clicker beware!
Video These creatures are beautiful! 3 clips of very magnificent large Jellyfish.
http://thefunnypage.com/jellyfish/
Here is a nice little tidbit of information that came my way this
morning. So if any of you are wondering why I didn't return something to
you that said something like "if I don't get this back I'll"....or, "See
how many flowers you can get back," or "Forward this to 10 people in the
next 5 mins. or something bad will happen to you or see what appears on
your screen which will make you laugh," etc., etc. The following is why
I don't send them back:
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/inboxer.asp
The passage of time waits for no man.
LOOK AT THEM NOW - and I thought it only happened to me rofl
http://thefunnypage.com/stars/
Close - Up of an Ant
http://xrl.in/2phw
Live Greener, Healthier !
http://xrl.in/2phr
Perfect Passwords
http://xrl.in/2oe5
Game Polar Express
http://www2.warnerbros.com/polarexpress/games/ticketChase.html
Our doctors and lawyers can always agree that the best things
in life are fees.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please help, it won't cost ya a thing
but it will really feel good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free Food For Homeless Dogs
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.40 to AutismSpeaks
for *each time* this video is viewed. The funding goes toward research studies
to help find a cure for autism.
http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About Free Rice
Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
****Bill's Country Calendar ****
****This Country Music History Calendar is reprinted with permission
from the original work copyrighted by Bill Morrison © ****
-16-
Paul Warmack, "Gully Jumpers," born Whites Creek, TN 1889.
Emory Martin, banjo, born Hickman County TN 1916.
Phyllis Brown born Chicago, IL 1930.
Patsy Montana recorded "I Want To Be A Cowboy's Sweetheart," 1935.
Tandy Rice, Entertainment executive, born Franklin, TN 1938.
Billy Joe Shaver born Corsicana, TX 1941.
Paul Wormack born 1945.
Danny Flowers, guitarist/songwriter, born Henderson, NC 1948.
Elvis Presley appeared on The Steve Allen Show 1956.
Buck Owens released his single "Love's Gonna Live Here/Getting Used To Losing You" 1963.
Merle Haggard's "Workin' Man Blues" went to #1 in 1969.
Capitol Records released Buck Owens' single "Rollin' In My Sweet Baby's Arms" 1971.
Emile Robison "Dixie Chicks" born 1972.
Elvis Presley, age 42, died in Memphis, 1977. Inducted R&RHF 1986. CMHF 1998.
Ben Rosner RCA died 1985.
John Hurley died 1986.
Dierks Bentley's #1 single "What Was I Thinkin'," debuted on Billboard's Top 40 Chart 2003.
Daryle Singletary took a few days off from touring and married nurse Holly Mercer in 2003.
Willie Nelson, Johnny Bush, Kris Kristofferson, and Lefty Frizzell inducted Texas Country Music Hall of Fame, 2003.
-17-
Ola Belle Reed, singer/songwriter/radio performer, born Lansing, NC 1916.
Wayne Raney, singer/songwriter/harmonica player, born Wolf Bayou, AR 1920.
Rita M. Cote Breau, of "Lone Pine & Betty Cody" born Sherbrooke, Quebec, Canada 1921.
E. W. Bud Wendell born Akron, OH 1927. Former Opry manager inducted CMHF 1998.
Billy Strickland recorded "To Be With You" 1951.
Ralph Stanley seriously injured in a car wreck 1951.
Clyde Mody & Brown's Ferry Four recorded "I Need The Prayers" 1952.
Kevin Welch, singer/songwriter, born Los Angeles, CA 1955.
Charlie Rich's first SUN recording session in Memphis, 1958.
Jimmy Martin recorded "Hold To God's Unchanging Hand" 1960.
Charlie Walker joined the Grand Ole Opry 1967.
Jan Howard married Dr. Maurice Acree Jr. in Nashville, TN 1990.
Brooks & Dunn's first album, "Brand New Man," certified platinum 1992.
Garth Brooks released his Christmas album "Beyond The Season," 1992.
Koch Records released Johnny Dowd's "Pictures From Life's Other Side" 1999.
Keith Urban's single "Days Go By" was #1 2004
Thanks Bill
Also visit: Bill's "Rockabilly Country News & Views" Page
Compiled by Bill Morrison - billmorr-@hotmail.com
**** Country Music News ****
Dierks Bentley rides again
Saturday, August 15, 2009 – Dierks Bentley will host his fourth annual Miles & Music for Kids celebrity motorcycle ride and concert on Sunday, Oct. 11 in Nashville. Sponsored by Nationwide Insurance, all proceeds from the event will benefit the Monroe Carell Jr. Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt, a Children's Miracle Network Hospital.
The hour-long ride will weave through Williamson County and end in downtown Nashville with a concert featuring Bentley and special guests including his label-mates Darius Rucker and Eric Church. More artists will be announced in the coming weeks.
"This has always been a pretty special deal, and then last year my daughter was born at Vanderbilt the same day as our event and that really put things in perspective for me," said Bentley. "It's cool that guys like Darius and Eric are willing to come out and help us raise some money, so that our community can continue to benefit from the hospital's services."
This year, Bentley joined with Nationwide Insurance, CMT ONE COUNTRY and the Children's Miracle Network to expand Miles & Music for Kids to six cities across the country in 2009 and 2010, with all proceeds benefiting Children's Miracle Network hospitals in those areas. In the three previous years, Miles & Music for Kids raised over $500,000 for Children's Hospital.
**** Amy's Kitchen ****
NO-BAKE LEMON CHEESECAKE
INGREDIENTS
2 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs
1/2 cup butter, melted
1 (6 oz) pkg lemon jello
1 cup boiling water
1 (8 oz) pkg cream cheese
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 tablespoons lemon juice
1 (12 oz) can evaporated milk
1 (16 oz) can cherry pie filling
DIRECTIONS
1. In a small bowl, mix the melted butter into the graham cracker
crumbs. Press 2 cups of the crumb mixture into the bottom of a 9x13 inch
pan. Save the rest of the crumbs for topping.
2. Dissolve the lemon jello in boiling water and set aside to cool.
3. In a medium bowl, beat the cream cheese, sugar and vanilla together.
Stir in the dissolved jello and lemon juice.
4. In a separate bowl, whip the evaporated milk. Fold into the cream
cheese mixture, then pour it all into the graham cracker covered pan.
5. Chill for 4 hours. Top with the cherry pie filling. Sprinkle the
remaining crumbs over the top. Keep left-overs refrigerated.
~
Barbecue Beef on a Bun
Ingredients
1-2 lb. beef flank steak
1 med. onion, diced
2 c. fresh mushrooms, sliced
2 med. or 1 lg. tomato, chopped
1 c. barbecue sauce
1/4 c. honey
4 t. Italian seasoning
2 sandwich buns, split
Directions
Place steak in slow cooker; top with onions, mushrooms and tomatoes.
Combine barbecue sauce and Italian seasoning; pour over steak and
vegetables. Cook on high for 5 hours or on low for 8-10 hours. Remove
steak form slow
cooker; shred with a fork. Return steak to slow cooker; stir gently to
evenly coat with sauce. Top each bun half with steak mixture. Serve open
faced. Makes 8 servings.
RECIPE AUTHOR Jennifer Hansen
****A Parting Thought ****
Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.
Last Call Y'ALL
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Please
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally.
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
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The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service.
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Jim Dowers
P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN 47838-0521
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<DIV align=center><FONT face=Arial size=4><STRONG>
<HR>
</STRONG></FONT></DIV></FONT></FONT></FONT><FONT color=#008080></FONT>
<DIV align=center><FONT color=#008080><FONT color=#ff0000 size=4><STRONG>The
Funnies are strictly a DOUB</STRONG></FONT><FONT size=4><STRONG><FONT
color=#ff0000>LE opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM<BR></FONT>
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<DIV align=center><FONT color=#008080><FONT size=4><STRONG>From
Carlisle,Indiana<BR>U.S.A.<BR><FONT color=#0000ff>Welcome
to T</FONT></STRONG></FONT></FONT><FONT color=#008080><FONT color=#0000ff
size=4><STRONG>he Funnies<BR>est.7-4-2000
<BR><BR></STRONG></FONT></FONT><FONT size=4><STRONG><FONT
color=#ff0000>These are clean jokes. However,<BR>They are,<BR>PG - Not
intended for younger readers - PG</FONT><BR></STRONG></FONT></DIV>
<P align=center><FONT color=#008080><FONT color=#008000><FONT
color=#800000><FONT color=#ff0000><FONT color=#000000><FONT
color=#000080><BR><FONT
size=4><STRONG></STRONG></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></P><FONT
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<P align=center><FONT color=#008080><FONT color=#008000><FONT
color=#800000><FONT color=#000000><FONT size=4><STRONG><FONT
color=#008000> Monday August 17,2009</FONT><BR><BR>Today's country
music video :<BR></STRONG></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></P><FONT
color=#008080><FONT color=#000000><FONT color=#008000>
<H1>
<H1><FONT color=#000000><A
href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cELNho6_Rw&;feature=related"><FONT
color=#0000ff size=4></FONT></A></FONT></H1><FONT
color=#000000></FONT></H1><FONT color=#000000>
<P align=center><EM><FONT size=4><STRONG>★ Dottie West & Kenny Rogers ★ All
I Ever Need Is You ★ [1978]<BR></STRONG></FONT></EM><A
href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EnteS-YKiY"><FONT color=#0000ff
size=4><EM><STRONG>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EnteS-YKiY</STRONG></EM></FONT></A><BR><BR><FONT
size=4><STRONG>She Was Only Seventeen by Marty Robbins<BR></STRONG></FONT><A
href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVmsnnLaqh0&;feature=PlayList&p=442B8FC0E96D9748&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=36"><FONT
color=#0000ff
size=4><STRONG>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVmsnnLaqh0&;feature=PlayList&p=442B8FC0E96D9748&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=36</STRONG></FONT></A><BR><FONT
size=4><STRONG> </STRONG></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4><STRONG></STRONG></FONT> </P>
<P align=center><EM><FONT size=4><STRONG>Thought
For Today:</STRONG></FONT></EM></FONT><FONT
size=4><STRONG> </STRONG><FONT color=#000000><BR><STRONG>I believe that
banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing
armies.<BR>- Thomas Jefferson <BR></STRONG></FONT></FONT><FONT size=4><FONT
color=#000000><BR><BR>We accompanied our son and his fiancee when they met with
her priest to sign some pre-wedding ceremony papers. While filling out the form,
our son read aloud a few questions. When he got to the last one which read "Are
you entering this marriage at your own will?" he looked over at this
fiancee.<BR><BR>"Put down 'yes'" she said.<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>As
Sarah's extended family of twelve gathered around the big table for a holiday
feast, her hustand Don raised a glass of wine and said, "I'd like to make a
toast, everyone," All the guests but Sarah's six-year-old daughter Paige raised
their glasses. Paige announced, "I want some turkey, not toast,
please."<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>Obama says not to worry about the
government health care plan competeing with the independant health care
organazations. "Look at UPS and FEDX, they are doing alright, its the post
office thats in trouble." <BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>A scoutmaster asked
one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. Well, said the scout.
Mom had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it.
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>Michael: It’s hard for my sister to
eat.<BR><BR>Maureen: Why?<BR><BR>Michael: She can’t bear to stop talking.
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>Alan was listening to his sister practice
her singing.<BR><BR>Sis, he said, I wish you'd sing Christmas
carols.<BR><BR>That’s nice of you, Alan, she replied. Why?<BR><BR>Alan
responded, "Because Christmas is five months away."
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>My cousin wanted to marry a man clever enough to
make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her.
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>My brother's one of the biggest stickup men in
town.<BR><BR>Gosh is he really?<BR><BR>Yes, he's a six-foot-six billposter.
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>Sue's father ran into the bedroom when he heard
her scream and found her two-year old brother pulling her hair. He gently
released the little boy's grip and said comfortingly to Sue, "There, there. He
didn't mean it. He doesn't know that hurts."<BR><BR>Dad was barely out of the
room when the little boy screamed. Rushing back in, he asked, "What
happened?"<BR><BR>"He knows now," Sue
replied.<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>Mary: What position does your cousin
play on the school football team?<BR><BR>Lucy: I think he's one of the
drawbacks.<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>Big Brother: That planet over there is
Mars.<BR><BR>Little Brother: Then that other one must be Pa's.
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>A distraught mother rushed into the backyard,
where her eight- year-old son was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin
bath with a poker.<BR><BR>"What do you think you're doing?" she
demanded.<BR><BR>"I'm just entertaining my little sister," explained
Tommy.<BR><BR>"Where is she?" asked Mom.<BR><BR>"Under the
bath.<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>Mother: Why is there a strange baby in
the crib?<BR><BR>Son: You told me to change the
baby.<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>A Tokyo hotel's rules and
regulations:<BR><BR>GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIORS IN BED. <BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>Karen, my granddaughter,
came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her how to sew. After
I had gone through a lengthy demonstration of how to thread the machine, Karen
stepped back and put her hands on her hips. "You mean you can do all that," she
said in disbelief, "but you can't operate my Game Boy?"
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>I was just settling into a barber's chair
when I overheard the elderly man next to me say, "I'm not much for pills, but I
am taking Ginkgo-Viagra. I want to remember what sex was like."
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>It's time to diet and exercise when you accept
the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the
people some of the time, but not while you're wearing a bathing suit.
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>TV has no place in love.<BR><BR>Marriage is a fight
for the remote control. <BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>Q: How do you make a
bandstand?<BR><BR>A: Take away their chairs<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>I
decided to buy an outfit for my girlfriend this weekend. I went to the mall and
found a really cool twin set in this one store, but for the life of me I
couldn't remember what size she is.<BR><BR>I looked around and luckily saw
another customer in the store who was built pretty much like my girlfriend. So I
went up to the person and said, "Excuse me, sir, but what size are you?"
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>With all the new technology regarding fertility recently,
a 65-year-old <BR>friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged
from the <BR>hospital and went home, I went to visit.</FONT></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4><FONT color=#000000>'May I see the new baby?' I
asked</FONT></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4><FONT color=#000000>'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make
coffee and we can visit for a while first.'</FONT></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4><FONT color=#000000>Thirty minutes had passed, and
I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'</FONT></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4><FONT color=#000000>'No, not yet,' She
said.</FONT></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4><FONT color=#000000>After another few minutes had
elapsed,</FONT></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4><FONT color=#000000>I asked again, 'May I see the
baby now?'</FONT></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4><FONT color=#000000>'No, not yet,' replied my
friend.</FONT></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4><FONT color=#000000>Growing very impatient, I
asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'</FONT></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4><FONT color=#000000>'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told
me.</FONT></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4><FONT color=#000000>'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded.
'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'</FONT></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4><FONT color=#000000>'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT
HIM O.K.?!!'<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>For some reason, the bookstore
clerk couldn't get the computer to recognize <BR>my preferred customer card.
Peering over her shoulder at the screen, I said, <BR>"There's part of the
problem. It shows my birth date as 12/31/1899."<BR>"That's right," my husband
chimed in. "She was born in June not December."
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</P>
<DIV>My granddaughter, Marie, was watching me do some housework one day and
<BR>told me how much she liked a Victorian couch I have. “Well,” I told her,
“you <BR>can have it when I die.”<BR>“But, I don't want you to die!” Marie
said.<BR>Then, after a few moments of silence, she said, “Grandma, could I pick
it up <BR>on the way back from the
funeral?”<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>His aching back made it impossible
for my friend's husband <BR>to get a decent night's rest on their lumpy
mattress. "Until <BR>I feel better, I'm going to sleep on the couch," he
<BR>announced. <BR>Ordinarily, a spouse moving out of the bedroom isn't a good
<BR>sign for the marriage. So his wife couldn't resist: "Okay, <BR>but as soon
as we have an argument you're back in our bed."
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>Over the years, my husband and I have usually
<BR>managed to decode the cute but confusing gender <BR>signs sometimes put on
restaurants' restroom doors <BR>(Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.),
but <BR>every so often we get stumped.<BR>Recently my husband Dave wandered off
in search <BR>of the men's room and found himself confronted by <BR>two marked
doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and <BR>the other was designated
"Cactus."<BR>Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee <BR>passing
by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," <BR>Dave said. Gesturing toward the
doors, he asked,<BR>"Which one should I use?"<BR>"Actually, we would prefer you
to go there," the employee <BR>said, pointing to a door down the hall marked
"Men." <BR>"Bronco and Cactus are private dining
rooms."<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>While vacationing, a customer came into
a deli for some polish sausage. <BR>"How much would you like?" my co-worker
Stefan asked. Puzzled over <BR>the metric price, the man looked up and replied
haltingly, "Um, a kilometer, <BR>please."<BR>Stefan handed the end of the meat
coil to him and said, "Take this outside <BR>and I'll tell you when to stop."
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and
asked, <BR>"What kinds of ice cream do you have?" <BR>"Vanilla, chocolate,
strawberry," the girl wheezed as she <BR>spoke, patted her chest and seemed
unable to continue. <BR>"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked
sympathetically. <BR>"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and
strawberry."<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>Flying through the Midwest in
the summertime means one thing:<BR>turbulence. I was working as a flight
attendant on one particular <BR>flight when we hit a patch of very rough air
just after a young <BR>teenager, obviously on her first flight, had entered the
bathroom. <BR>After the bumps had subsided, she exited the bathroom, a look
<BR>of sheer terror etched on her face.<BR>"Are you all right?" I asked as I
helped her to her seat. "That <BR>turbulence was as bad as it gets." <BR>"So
that's what it was," she said. "I thought I'd pushed the <BR>wrong
button."<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>My husband, a forester, often has to consult
property <BR>owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt<BR>road to
question one such individual, he encountered <BR>signs that read: "No
Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and<BR>"Keep Out...This Means You!" Finally
arriving at the <BR>door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative
<BR>landowner. <BR>When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to <BR>him,
"Come and see me again sometime. I don't get <BR>many visitors up this way."
<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR><FONT size=4>There once was a man who owned a
sausage factory, and he was showing his<BR>arrogant preppy son around his
factory. Try as he might to impress his<BR>snobbish son, his son would just
sneer. They approached the heart of the<BR>factory, where the father thought,
"This should impress him!" He showed<BR>his son a machine and said "Son, this is
the heart of the factory. With<BR>this machine here we can put in a pig, and out
come sausages. <BR>The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a
machine where<BR>you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" <BR>The father,
furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it
your<BR>mother."<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR></FONT></FONT><BR><FONT
color=#000000>"There's an unseen force which lets birds know when
you've</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#000000> just washed your car."
<BR></FONT><BR><BR><BR></FONT></DIV></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT><FONT
color=#008080><FONT color=#000000><FONT color=#0000ff><FONT color=#000000><FONT
color=#0000ff>
<DIV align=center><FONT size=4><STRONG>Today's Links:</STRONG></FONT></DIV><FONT
color=#ff0000>
<DIV align=center><FONT color=#ff0000>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000 size=4><STRONG>*some links may have adult contents on
the same page, I have no control what</STRONG></FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=#ff0000 size=4><STRONG> else appears on the page.
Clicker beware!</STRONG></FONT></DIV></FONT></DIV></FONT><FONT size=4><STRONG>
<P align=center><BR></P>
<DIV align=center>Video These creatures are beautiful! 3 clips of very
magnificent large Jellyfish. </DIV>
<DIV align=center><A title=http://thefunnypage.com/jellyfish/
href="http://thefunnypage.com/jellyfish/">http://thefunnypage<WBR>.com/jellyfish/</A></DIV>
<DIV align=center> </DIV>
<DIV align=center> Here is a nice little tidbit of information that came my
way this <BR>morning. So if any of you are wondering why I didn't return
something to <BR>you that said something like "if I don't get this back
I'll"....or, "See <BR>how many flowers you can get back," or "Forward this to 10
people in the <BR>next 5 mins. or something bad will happen to you or see what
appears on <BR>your screen which will make you laugh," etc., etc. The
following is why <BR>I don't send them back: </DIV>
<DIV align=center> <A title=http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/inboxer.asp
href="http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/inboxer.asp">http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/inboxer.asp</A>
</DIV>
<DIV align=center> </DIV>
<DIV align=center>The passage of time waits for no man. </DIV>
<DIV align=center>LOOK AT THEM NOW - and I thought it only happened to me
rofl</DIV>
<DIV align=center><A title=http://thefunnypage.com/stars/
href="http://thefunnypage.com/stars/">http://thefunnypage<WBR>.com/stars/</A></DIV>
<DIV align=center> </DIV>
<DIV align=center>Close - Up of an Ant <BR><A title=http://xrl.in/2phw
href="http://xrl.in/2phw">http://xrl.in/<WBR>2phw</A><BR><BR>Live Greener,
Healthier ! </DIV>
<DIV align=center><A title=http://xrl.in/2phr
href="http://xrl.in/2phr">http://xrl.in/<WBR>2phr</A></DIV>
<DIV align=center> </DIV>
<DIV align=center>Perfect Passwords<BR><A title=http://xrl.in/2oe5
href="http://xrl.in/2oe5">http://xrl.in/<WBR>2oe5</A></DIV>
<DIV align=center> </DIV>
<DIV align=center> Game Polar Express </DIV>
<DIV align=center><A
title=http://www2.warnerbros.com/polarexpress/games/ticketChase.html
href="http://www2.warnerbros.com/polarexpress/games/ticketChase.html">http://www2.warnerbros.com/polarexpress/games/ticketChase.html</A><BR><BR><BR>Our
doctors and lawyers can always agree that the best things </STRONG></FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=4><STRONG>in life are fees.</STRONG></FONT><BR><FONT
size=4><STRONG><FONT
color=#000000>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</FONT> </STRONG></FONT></DIV>
<P align=center><FONT size=4><STRONG>Please help, it won't cost ya a
thing<BR>but it will really feel
good</STRONG></FONT></FONT><BR></FONT></FONT><FONT
size=4><STRONG> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR></STRONG></FONT></FONT></FONT><FONT
color=#008080><FONT color=#000000><FONT color=#008000 size=4><STRONG>Free Food
For Homeless Dogs<BR></STRONG></FONT><A
href="http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/" target=_blank rel=nofollow><FONT
color=#003399
size=4><STRONG>http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com</STRONG></FONT></A><BR><FONT
size=4><STRONG>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR></STRONG></FONT><FONT
color=#ff00ff size=4><STRONG>Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you
know. <BR></STRONG></FONT><A href="http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/"
target=_blank rel=nofollow><FONT color=#003399
size=4><STRONG>http://www.thebreastcancersite.com</STRONG></FONT></A><BR><FONT
size=4><STRONG>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR><FONT color=#008000>Organ
and Tissue Donation/Transplanation</FONT></STRONG></FONT><FONT color=#000000
size=4><STRONG> <BR></STRONG></FONT><A href="http://www.organdonor.gov/"
target=_blank rel=nofollow><FONT color=#003399
size=4><STRONG>http://www.organdonor.gov/</STRONG></FONT></A><FONT
size=4><STRONG> <BR></STRONG></FONT><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 11pt"><FONT
color=#000080><FONT color=#000000
size=4><STRONG>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR></STRONG></FONT><FONT
size=4><STRONG>The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.40 to
AutismSpeaks<BR>for *each time* this video is viewed. The funding goes toward
research studies<BR>to help find a cure for
autism. </STRONG></FONT></FONT></SPAN><BR><FONT color=#0000ff
size=4><STRONG> </STRONG></FONT><A
href="http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214"><FONT
color=#0000ff
size=4><STRONG>http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214</STRONG></FONT></A><BR><FONT
size=4><STRONG>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>About Free
Rice<BR></STRONG></FONT></FONT></FONT><FONT color=#008080><FONT color=#000000
size=4><STRONG>Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty
site<BR></STRONG></FONT></FONT><A
href="http://www.freerice.com/about.html"><FONT color=#0000ff
size=4><STRONG>http://www.freerice.com/about.html</STRONG></FONT></A><BR><FONT
color=#0000ff size=4><STRONG> </STRONG></FONT><A
href="http://www.poverty.com/"><FONT
size=4><STRONG>Poverty.com</STRONG></FONT></A><BR><FONT color=#ff00ff><FONT
size=4><STRONG>No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim<BR><FONT
color=#000000>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</FONT><BR><BR></STRONG></FONT></P></FONT><FONT
color=#0000ff>
<P align=center><BR><FONT color=#000000 size=4><STRONG>****Bill's Country
Calendar </STRONG></FONT><FONT color=#000000><FONT
size=4><STRONG>****<BR></STRONG></FONT><FONT color=#ca1010><FONT
size=4><STRONG><EM>****This Country Music History Calendar is reprinted
with permission<BR>from </EM>the original work copyrighted by Bill Morrison ©
****<BR></STRONG></FONT></FONT></P></FONT><FONT color=#000000><I>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>-16-</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Paul Warmack, "Gully Jumpers," born Whites Creek,
TN 1889.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Emory Martin, banjo, born Hickman County TN
1916.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Phyllis Brown born Chicago, IL 1930.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Patsy Montana recorded "I Want To Be A Cowboy's
Sweetheart," 1935.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Tandy Rice, Entertainment executive, born Franklin,
TN 1938.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Billy Joe Shaver born Corsicana, TX
1941.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Paul Wormack born 1945.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Danny Flowers, guitarist/songwriter, born
Henderson, NC 1948.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Elvis Presley appeared on The Steve Allen Show
1956.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Buck Owens released his single "Love's Gonna Live
Here/Getting Used To Losing You" 1963. </FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Merle Haggard's "Workin' Man Blues" went to #1 in
1969.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Capitol Records released Buck Owens' single
"Rollin' In My Sweet Baby's Arms" 1971.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Emile Robison "Dixie Chicks" born 1972.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Elvis Presley, age 42, died in Memphis, 1977.
Inducted R&RHF 1986. CMHF 1998.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Ben Rosner RCA died 1985.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>John Hurley died 1986.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Dierks Bentley's #1 single "What Was I Thinkin',"
debuted on Billboard's Top 40 Chart 2003.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Daryle Singletary took a few days off from touring
and married nurse Holly Mercer in 2003.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Willie Nelson, Johnny Bush, Kris Kristofferson, and
Lefty Frizzell inducted Texas Country Music Hall of Fame, 2003.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>-17-</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Ola Belle Reed, singer/songwriter/radio performer,
born Lansing, NC 1916.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Wayne Raney, singer/songwriter/harmonica player,
born Wolf Bayou, AR 1920.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Rita M. Cote Breau, of "Lone Pine & Betty Cody"
born Sherbrooke, Quebec, Canada 1921.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>E. W. Bud Wendell born Akron, OH 1927. Former Opry
manager inducted CMHF 1998.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Billy Strickland recorded "To Be With You"
1951.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Ralph Stanley seriously injured in a car wreck
1951.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Clyde Mody & Brown's Ferry Four recorded "I
Need The Prayers" 1952.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Kevin Welch, singer/songwriter, born Los Angeles,
CA 1955.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Charlie Rich's first SUN recording session in
Memphis, 1958.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Jimmy Martin recorded "Hold To God's Unchanging
Hand" 1960.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Charlie Walker joined the Grand Ole Opry
1967.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Jan Howard married Dr. Maurice Acree Jr. in
Nashville, TN 1990.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Brooks & Dunn's first album, "Brand New Man,"
certified platinum 1992.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Garth Brooks released his Christmas album "Beyond
The Season," 1992.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4>Koch Records released Johnny Dowd's "Pictures From
Life's Other Side" 1999.</FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P align=center><FONT size=4></FONT></P>
<P><FONT size=4>Keith Urban's single "Days Go By" was #1 2004</FONT></P>
<P align=center></I><BR><FONT size=4><STRONG>Thanks
Bill<BR></STRONG></FONT></FONT><FONT color=#008080><FONT color=#008080><FONT
color=#000000><A href="http://www.rockabillyhall.com/rcnv.html"><FONT
color=#000000 size=4><STRONG>Also visit: Bill's "Rockabilly Country News &
Views" Page</STRONG></FONT></A><BR><FONT color=#000000><FONT
size=4><STRONG><EM>Compiled by Bill Morrison -
billmorr-@hotmail.com</EM></A><BR></STRONG></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT><BR></FONT><FONT
color=#008080><FONT color=#008080><FONT color=#000000><FONT color=#008000><FONT
size=4><STRONG> <BR>**** Country Music News </STRONG></FONT><FONT
color=#008000
size=4><STRONG>****<BR></STRONG></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></FONT></P><FONT
size=4><STRONG>
<H1>Dierks Bentley rides again</H1>
<DIV><B>Saturday, August 15, 2009</B> – Dierks Bentley will host
his fourth annual Miles & Music for Kids celebrity motorcycle ride and
concert on Sunday, Oct. 11 in Nashville. Sponsored by Nationwide Insurance, all
proceeds from the event will benefit the Monroe Carell Jr. Children's Hospital
at Vanderbilt, a Children's Miracle Network Hospital.
<P>The hour-long ride will weave through Williamson County and end in downtown
Nashville with a concert featuring Bentley and special guests including his
label-mates Darius Rucker and Eric Church. More artists will be announced in the
coming weeks.
<P>"This has always been a pretty special deal, and then last year my daughter
was born at Vanderbilt the same day as our event and that really put things in
perspective for me," said Bentley. "It's cool that guys like Darius and Eric are
willing to come out and help us raise some money, so that our community can
continue to benefit from the hospital's services."
<P>This year, Bentley joined with Nationwide Insurance, CMT ONE COUNTRY and the
Children's Miracle Network to expand Miles & Music for Kids to six cities
across the country in 2009 and 2010, with all proceeds benefiting Children's
Miracle Network hospitals in those areas. In the three previous years, Miles
& Music for Kids raised over $500,000 for Children's Hospital.
</P></DIV></STRONG></FONT>
<P align=center><FONT color=#008080><FONT color=#008080><FONT
color=#000000><BR><FONT size=4><STRONG><FONT color=#008000>**** Amy's Kitchen
**** </FONT><BR>NO-BAKE LEMON CHEESECAKE <BR>INGREDIENTS<BR>2 1/2
cups graham cracker crumbs<BR>1/2 cup butter, melted<BR>1 (6 oz) pkg lemon
jello<BR>1 cup boiling water <BR>1 (8 oz) pkg cream cheese <BR>1 cup sugar<BR>1
teaspoon vanilla<BR>3 tablespoons lemon juice<BR>1 (12 oz) can evaporated
milk<BR>1 (16 oz) can cherry pie filling <BR>DIRECTIONS<BR>1. In a small bowl,
mix the melted butter into the graham cracker<BR>crumbs. Press 2 cups of the
crumb mixture into the bottom of a 9x13 inch<BR>pan. Save the rest of the crumbs
for topping.<BR>2. Dissolve the lemon jello in boiling water and set aside to
cool. <BR>3. In a medium bowl, beat the cream cheese, sugar and vanilla
together.<BR>Stir in the dissolved jello and lemon juice.<BR>4. In a separate
bowl, whip the evaporated milk. Fold into the cream<BR>cheese mixture, then pour
it all into the graham cracker covered pan.<BR>5. Chill for 4 hours. Top with
the cherry pie filling. Sprinkle the<BR>remaining crumbs over the top. Keep
left-overs refrigerated.<BR>~<BR>Barbecue Beef on a Bun<BR>Ingredients<BR>1-2
lb. beef flank steak<BR>1 med. onion, diced<BR>2 c. fresh mushrooms, sliced<BR>2
med. or 1 lg. tomato, chopped<BR>1 c. barbecue sauce<BR>1/4 c. honey<BR>4 t.
Italian seasoning<BR>2 sandwich buns, split <BR>Directions<BR>Place steak in
slow cooker; top with onions, mushrooms and tomatoes.<BR>Combine barbecue sauce
and Italian seasoning; pour over steak and<BR>vegetables. Cook on high for 5
hours or on low for 8-10 hours. Remove<BR>steak form slow <BR>cooker; shred with
a fork. Return steak to slow cooker; stir gently to<BR>evenly coat with sauce.
Top each bun half with steak mixture. Serve open<BR>faced. Makes 8
servings.<BR><BR>RECIPE AUTHOR Jennifer Hansen<BR></STRONG><BR></FONT><FONT
size=4><STRONG><FONT color=#008000>****A Parting Thought ****</FONT><BR>Forgive
and forget, but keep a list of names just in case. <BR></STRONG></FONT><FONT
color=#008000><BR></FONT><FONT color=#000000><FONT size=4><STRONG>Last Call
Y'ALL</STRONG><BR></FONT></FONT></P></FONT></FONT></FONT>
<DIV align=center>
<DIV align=center><FONT color=#008080><FONT color=#008080><BR>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><FONT face=Arial color=#000000
size=4><STRONG>A guy traveling through <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns =
"urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:country-region
w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Mexico</st1:place></st1:country-region> on
vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short,
he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at
the border.<BR><BR>"May I see your identification, please?" asked the
agent.<BR>"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the
guy.</STRONG></FONT></P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><FONT color=#000000><FONT
face=Arial><FONT size=4><STRONG><SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No
ID, no entry," said the agent.<BR><BR>"But I can prove I'm an American!" he
exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt
and George Bush on the other."<BR>"This I gotta see," replied the agent.<BR>With
that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.<BR>"By golly,
you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to <st1:place
w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Chicago</st1:City></st1:place>."<BR><BR>"Thanks!"
he said. "But how did you know I was from <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place
w:st="on">Chicago</st1:place></st1:City>?"<BR><SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in
the middle."</STRONG><BR></FONT></FONT></FONT><FONT color=#0000ff><BR><FONT
size=4><STRONG>*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+<BR></STRONG></FONT><FONT
size=4><STRONG><FONT color=#ff0000>Hey, Let's be careful out
there<BR></FONT>*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+<BR>Please<BR></STRONG></FONT><FONT
color=#000000 size=4><STRONG>Don't take anything you see in the Funnies
personally. <BR>The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing
more.<BR>Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target
here.<BR></STRONG></FONT></FONT><FONT size=4><STRONG><FONT
color=#ff0000>Everyone is fair game</FONT><BR>The Funnies are strictly an opt-in
service.<BR></STRONG></FONT><FONT size=4><STRONG><FONT color=#ff0000>We do not
sell, lease, loan, or give our subscriber's <BR>addresses to anyone for any
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only.<BR></STRONG></FONT></P></DIV></DIV>
<DIV align=center></FONT></FONT>
<DIV align=center><FONT color=#008080><FONT color=#008080><FONT
size=4><STRONG><FONT color=#ff0033><FONT class=Verdana14>Disclaimer :
</FONT></FONT><FONT class=Verdana8 color=#000000>All of my materials are
borrowed </FONT><FONT color=#000000><FONT class=Verdana8>from various areas on
the web <FONT color=#000000><FONT class=Verdana8>and from my readers. All
are </FONT><FONT class=Verdana8>believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright o</FONT></FONT>n any of these materials
</FONT></FONT></STRONG></FONT><FONT color=#000000><FONT size=4><STRONG><FONT
class=Verdana8>please </FONT><FONT class=Verdana8>inform me so I may give the
proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.
</FONT><BR></STRONG></FONT></FONT><FONT
size=4><STRONG>~<BR></STRONG></FONT><FONT size=4><STRONG>To subscribe,
<BR><BR></STRONG></FONT><FONT size=4><STRONG>Regarding any problems In
accordance with the 2004 <BR>Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or
<BR>comments at: </STRONG></FONT><A href="mailto:jim4-@verizon.net"><FONT
size=4><STRONG>jim4-@verizon.net</STRONG></FONT></A><FONT
color=#000000><BR></FONT><FONT color=#000000><BR><FONT size=4><STRONG>Jim
Dowers<BR>P.O. Box 521 <BR>Carlisle, IN 47838-0521</STRONG></FONT></FONT><FONT
color=#008080><BR><BR><FONT
size=4><STRONG>&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&<BR><BR></STRONG></FONT></FONT><FONT
size=4><STRONG><FONT color=#ff0000>God Bless America , </FONT><FONT
color=#0000ff>Our Land</FONT></STRONG></FONT><FONT color=#ff0000 size=4><STRONG>
, Forever May She Stand<BR></STRONG></FONT><FONT
size=4><STRONG>&&&&&&&&&&<BR></STRONG></FONT><FONT
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by </STRONG></FONT><FONT size=4><STRONG><FONT color=#008000><FONT
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