Iceality of Recycling Everyone’s Favorite Rustbucket
May 27, 2010 06:08 PDT
Iceality of Recycling Everyone’s Favorite Rustbucket
The Cav's lost so even Lebron can save Cleveland's image now. There is
no time for Casino's too. So as the 2010 vacation season starts,
Cleveland is not going to rate anywhere as a tourist Mecca.
While do have some first class attractions, nobody living here can
afford to see them and only the Cleveland Orchestra, subsidized with our
tax dollars, can leave here to travel places where they can be heard;
which is part of the reason nobody living here can afford to visit the
other attractions here. City Leaders could affordably change the name of
one of the free beaches to some thing more appealing to visitors,
perhaps the "Sacred Beach of the Holey Vagigi" in honor of Oprah or
Renate might work. So tourism here remains a joke; and, sadly, the irony
is because many finicky travelers are influenced by the loads of
national jokes about Cleveland. It is a vicious circle and Cleveland
ends up on the bottom of all the National polls but it is still the
hometown to dozens of decent people.
Nevertheless, here is a bold, five-tiered approach to solving
Step 1: Develop a serious business into tourism.
Build a serious ad campaign expressly designed to attract tourists from
such “problem areas” as Detroit, Newark, Afghanistan, Mexico, Israel,
The thinking is: Compared to the trouble and adversity the people of
these countries experience daily, a week or two in Cleveland will seem
positively tranquil and idyllic.
I would venture to say that if a hardy group of, oh, vacationing pirates
from Somalia were walking on Public Square and one of its members was
hit by a drive-by shooter, their thinking could be: “Oh dear, we have
lost Ms. Haboon, but that’s no reason we cannot still take the Playhouse
matinee and the S.S. GOODTIME II this afternoon as originally planned.”
Let’s face it, this is the Crocodile Dundee type of tourist Cleveland
needs to attract: daring, courageous individuals, not easily upset
about harsh living conditions or random small-arms fire. People who
won’t stay holed up in their hotel rooms sniveling and complaining each
and every time someone in their party is mugged, but who will be out in
the bars, restaurants and theaters spending money.
As another example, if a tour group of Red Shirts were set upon by
pistol-packing thugs inside The Q Stadium, the delegation would no doubt
pull out their own weapons, squeeze off a few rounds and go back to
enjoying the ballgame. Saving the city money and giving our police a
Step 2: A boy saved is a citizen earned.
Recently our hometown U.S. Marines about to be deployed in the Middle
East left for California for training. Until they joined the service,
most of these guys have never left our rust bucket area and here we are
sending them away to see Sunfunland USA. Sunshine, bikini girls,
Swimming pools, movie starlets in a word....‘giggity’. Hurry back Boys!
The solution is instead of moving them away to California we should keep
them here in Cleveland to train. Wouldn't the presence of 10,000 or so
troops in Cleveland boost the economy while also providing our soldiers
a more ideal training ground for the bitter house-to-house fighting in
Afghanistan? Let all the armies of the world know that Cleveland could
serve as an excellent all around training site for urban guerrilla
warfare. The torching of an old church or temple downtown now and then
adds a nice touch of realism too.
But don’t stop there. Invite combat doctors and nurses to come here to
our famous Hospitals and study the injury’s caused by modern conflicts.
See, then we would have a real supply-and-demand reason to build a MED
MART here. Lets see if the Nashville Med Mart people can try to beat
Step 3: Them Bad Apples, don’t throw them away in this economy.
Advertise to attract the ‘alternative’ conventions nobody else wants.
The mercenary crowd, outlaw biker clubs, professional wrestlers,
military unit reunions, etc. With all these dynamic people coming to
town, Cleveland would be able to afford to re-open some venerable
downtown cultural institutions like the ROXY and attract exotic
headliners like Rima Fakih to perform. You know, the fun places that
genuine rock stars really do want to visit. These places could also
provide extra work for the local co-eds like they do in other tourists
Soon, Cleveland would be a truly exhilarating global village again,
teeming with thousands of young cheerful, free-spending soldiers and
sailors, rappers, politicians, international policemen and all their
many diversified entourages.
OK, maybe then, we can even talk about hosting a Rock Hall Induction
Ceremony or opening a Casino or two.
Step 4: Believe in turning negatives into positives whenever possible.
Instead of bemoaning the economy and job loss over our fair city, why
not put it to good use? Another future example, when Continental and
United eventually close their hubs at Cleveland Hopkins Airport, people,
don’t complain but celebrate the news! Why not put it to good use?
We can turn the empty spaces they left into a hub for the Strategic Air
Command (SAC). This addition would allow the Labor Day Air Show to
expand its hours 24/7. Visitors viewing all this High-Tec military
hardware on display would be asking themselves where can you get this
stuff cheap? China and Russia obviously, but fortunately, Cleveland
already has an abundance of empty steel plants and auto factory’s (not
to mention the old WW II Cadillac Tank Plant) ready to go into
production - all they would need is to immigrate enough skilled people
Step 5: Getting back to our Future.
Focusing on North East Ohio’s natural beauty, aquatic charm and ICEAlity
may have worked once. But in today's competitive market you have to be
bold. A future bold example; by simply expanding Hopkins Airports’ main
runway in a shape of a pyramid from Brookpark Rd north through the
foreclosed homes area to say about......Edgewater. Dayum!, this would
give NASA’s Glenn Space Center here a inter-galactic welcome mat, SAC
an emergency runway and NASCAR a new raceway while giving our resident
poor developers needed work. Look at the PR possibilities, instead of a
bunch of small races around the nation, NASCAR could cut their travel
and promotional costs by holding only one single top-notch 50,000 mile
race here....and if the drivers car pool...save even more. NASA could
promote on the runway to extraterrestrials and UFO's on Google Earth a
daily welcome message complete with local room rates and restaurant
specials and weather report in different languages like Russian,
Vulcanese, Ferengi, and Klingon, and especially Borg.
This may sound like on far-out proposals but sometime into the future,
Cleveland would be back because there only is one way for it to go.