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BONG Bull No. 672 ti yi yo
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Charles Stough
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Apr 27, 2006 19:33 PDT
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=-=-=-=-=-=-THE REAL BONG CONTENT STARTS HERE =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's World-Famous Encyclical
BONG Bull
No. 672
and News Gorilla
http://newsgorilla.blogspot.com
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For April 28, 2006. Are you really trying to raise your price to a buck
a head, Fox News Channel? Well, with a bureau in the White House you can
print your own money now, says the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild,
and this is BONG Bull No. 672!
WUSSIES WITH A P. It's sort of a shame to move BONG HQ from Spurs
country to Dayton, Ohio. What fun it would have been to watch the
expressions of junior John Waynes when the gas pump dings past their
rent for a fillup. That's when they count the cost of working down at
the carpet shop, even if they drive like they chase tornadoes. When it
comes to hauling a basketball team's decal around, San Antonians say
there's no better toy than a high-wheel, bushbar-equipped pickup or SUV.
(MPG? Ain't that the stuff they put in egg rolls?)
Truckie toys are built into the pop culture of Texas. It's the way
Texans fool themselves into thinking they really are ruggedly
independent hipshooters and can-do, rattlesnake-ropin' pioneers.
Basically, Texans don't trouble anybody who has a checkbook.
Texans don't make the wages of other states' middle classes. They don't
get any break on property taxes if no one troubles property developers
to build sidewalks. They can't make the truck company pay the hourly
rate it promised when it was getting state money to build the factory.
They can't sue a builder who salts waste asbestos into their
insulation. They can't make oil drillers pay to plug their own dry
holes. Texans can't get medical insurance for poor kids; that state
money's paying to plug the drillers' holes. Lawyers are the enemy and
doctors are the friends, say the lawyers in the legislature carrying
water for the doctors' lobbyists.
Texans can't stop resorts from building golf courses that drain into
Texans' drinking water, especially if the hotelkeeper promises to hire
maids and busboys. Texans think only sissies unionize. But when they
growl a ballsy tandem-axle truckie down to the Whataburger, those poor
whipsawed Lone Star State wusses make Walter Mitty proud.
Until now, dealers could pack every accessory into a truck, double
the price and offer only one choice: "D'yew want yours circumsized,
podnuh?"
Ah well, then came $3 gas in a $6 economy. Wish we could watch.
Threatening Texas with gay marriage won't fix this one, and the phony
immigration issue (what IS it about even-numbered years?) sure ain't
working either.
Walter Mitty? Note to Texans: Look him up.
COMIX PAGE. The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic, Ace
Photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful
Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
PANEL ONE: Typo wakes Speed, dozing in the Photo Lab over a volume of
forgotten Leaf desk instructions, with news of the staff meeting,
declaring, "Don't worry, Boss! I covered for you again!"
Speed sputters, "Worry . . . ? Covered . . .?"
PANEL TWO: Typo explains, "Right, Boss! Features Editor Hyperba Lee
once more proposed sending you to Afghanistan and Iraq! But I nudged the
wire editor and he found a story that squelched her!"
Speed mumbles, "Hyperba . . . ? Wire . . . ?"
PANEL THREE: Typo elucidates, "You got it, Boss! I don't know where
she found budget money for the travel, but as soon as they heard that
five Brazilian soldiers were killed last week, the idea went south in a
hurry!"
Speed coughs, "Budget . . . ? Brazilian . . . ?"
INTERPANEL SILHOUETTE: Typo wonders, "By the way, Boss! She won't
quit this war zone idea! What did you say to Hyperba when she invited
you to stroll the newsprint warehouse after the employees' Valentine's
party?"
PANEL FOUR: Typo continues, "So anyway, Boss, when I left, the
Executive Committee was caucusing to decide how to play the news in the
5-Star Blue Streak! They were very depressed and upset!"
Speed stammers, "Committee . . . ? Upset . . . ?"
PANEL FIVE: Typo agrees, dusting Speed's trenchcoat, a deathbed gift
from an ancient mystic wire service executive editor on a fog-shrouded
eastern island, "You hit the nail on the head, Boss! Nobody on the
committee was sure exactly how many is a brazilian!"
BONG Bull is the work of Chief Copyboy Charley Stough, retired to senior
discount subscription rates in Dayton, Ohio. E-mail bongs-@yahoo.com
for any reason. Or for no reason. As Texas gubernatorial candidate Kinky
Friedman puts it, "Why the hell not?"
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