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BONG Bull 673 mayday mayday
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Charles Stough
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May 09, 2006 12:47 PDT
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The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's World-Famous Encyclical
BONG Bull
No. 673
Copyright © 2006 by BONG
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For May 9, 2006. Colbert NOT funny at the White House Correspondents
dinner!? Gosh, there were a whole lot of people who used to think
presidential candidate Pat Paulsen wasn't funny either. That was
Paulsen's point, points out the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild, and
this is BONG Bull No. 673!
A HISTORY LESSON. Romenesko's daily collection waxes on about the
comparative worth of comedians at the correspondents dinner. Basically,
the entertainers broke down into two camps: Paid by the White House, or
not. TV comic Stephen Colbert wasn't. If his speech fell flat compared
to George Bush's evil-twin act, it wasn't the first bad banquet any
reporter ever sat through.
But the Washington Post's Richard Cohen has it wrong on panning
Colbert and the hate-mail machine that spewed after Cohen's column.
-- He's wrong on blowing off Colbert's 1 million viewers, "not
exactly 'American Idol' numbers." A million people buying a newspaper
columnist, even to wrap fish, is a career-building number. Colbert fans
are the kind of people who listen to Howard Stern or Rush Limbaugh.
Sure, weird, but any columnist who has them for readers gets a parking
space and club membership.
-- Second, Cohen's wrong about the antiwar left wing breaking off
from Democratic moderates, giving the presidency to Nixon and prolonging
Vietnam. Nixon won because even Democratic moderates were repulsed by
Hubert Humphrey's try to preserve machine politics that included a big
fix in the 1968 Chicago convention, and Boss Dick Daley's Chicago cops
rioting against street marchers. Some liberals didn't vote, and some
voted for Nixon just because he wasn't Humphrey.
It fell to Watergate and bipartisan dismay to take care of Nixon.
HISTORY LESSON II. Some identifiers for our foreign members and readers
in Texas who may wonder about the previous item:
-- Pat Paulsen was a TV comic and Smothers Brothers sidekick. His
schtick was running for president. Among his lines was an answer to the
GOP slogan "Nixon's the one." Paulsen said, "I don't care if Nixton is
one. This is America. He can be one if he wants." Calling the
mainstream pols "Nixton" and "Johnston" were other running jokes of his.
-- Dick Daley was Chicago's last-hurrah mayor. Among his more obvious
1968 convention tricks were door guards who punched a congressman in the
stomach for exposing a glitch in the door-card system, confiscated
partisan campaign signs and arrested CBS reporter Mike Wallace. Wallace
was freed and the balcony got packed with Humphrey supporters -- and
their signs -- on nomination night. But the congressman stayed punched.
-- Howard Stern is radio's shock-jock. Having cost subscriber
stations millions in obscenity fines, he went to pay-to-hear satellite
radio. His fans like to bluff call screeners and blurt Stern's name on
other people's call-in shows.
-- Rush Limbaugh is another radio entertainer. His cover is
right-wing politics. He is quoted often by gun owners and
Hillary-fearing Bubbas. Whichever Limbaugh quote comes up, there's a
good chance Limbaugh was on drugs when he said it.
-- The White House Correspondents Dinner is an annual
inside-the-beltway dress-up exercise that gives the gallery at D.C.
press conferences a reason to clean their fingernails.
YOU CAN'T BE A GOOD EDITOR OR A BAD EDITOR UNLESS FIRST YOU EDIT. Not to
get off on the wrong hoof with the keepers of my future pension, but San
Antonio Express-News Editor Bob Rivard can't really be all that
concerned about readers if he thinks his job is to protect them from
headline puns.
An editor protecting readers would have done more about a state that
says you can't sue companies that sprinkle toxic waste asbestos into
your home's, or your kid's school's, insulation. An editor protecting
readers would follow up on the thousands of open well holes peppering
the state because it's cheaper for drillers to abandon them than plug
them. (What could Texas do with $500 million it spends yearly plugging
oil drillers' dry holes? Oh I don't know, maybe quit having phony
special legislative sessions trying to finance public schools? Just a
thought.)
Bad puns? Sure, squelch them. The best way is when you send an editor
to a headline-writing seminar, make sure he or she really goes.
Humorless headlines are no pun at all.
UNBLOG. Anybody notice that BONG's alter-ego "News Gorilla" is off the
blog circuit? The Circulation Expansion and Agenda Padding Committee put
the quietus on it a couple of weeks ago. The unanimous decision was that
a million babbling yahoos at the keyboards of web logs are not nearly as
useful as one street urchin hollering, "Getcha paper!"
IN BASKET. The move from Texas to Dayton is over, except for unpacking
the stuff in the garage and gassing the new lawn mower. Ohio would give
us no credit for 11 months paid up on our Texas license plates. Wasting
not and wanting not, we challenge anyone to claim more squished bugs on
their stylish necklaces than we have.
Some mail finally making print:
-- An "anonymous hack" writes to the tune of "My Boyfriend's Back"
these touching sample lyrics: "Bong Bull is back and there's gonna be
trouble./ (Hey-la, hey-la, the Bong is back./ When you see it coming,
better open it on the double. (Hey-la, hey-la, Bong Bull is back).
"Papers gonna be sorry they were ever boring./ (Hey-la, hey-la, the
Bong is back.) /Copyboy's really smart and he's awful strong./(Hey-la,
hey-la, Bong Bull is back)
Refrain: "Hey, he knows that you been cheatin'/ Now you're gonna take
a beatin'. /What made you think you'd deliver all your lies? /(all
fluff, no real stuff)/ You had a big staff once, you been cut to half
your size (ah-ooo) Cuz no one reads!"
-- Joel Garreau, who warned in 2001 against becoming a Red River
wetback, crows, "Well at least now there's something about which you and
Lyndon Johnson can agree. Hondo and Uvalde always look best through a
rear-view mirror. And you can say you found the back door to the Alamo,
which shows you have more investigative reporting skills than ole Bill
Travis."
-- Joel Ayer, who professes law at NYU, opines, "Never thought I
would live long enough to congratulate anyone on a move to Dayton, but
(a) live long and (b) prosper."
-- Walter Wiley <wwi-@dcn.org> said, "As a long-time BONG reader, I
was amazed that you'd move from Dayton to Santonio. As I saw it, it was
like moving to Oklahoma during the Dust Bowl. But that's from the
perspective of one who moved to California from Texas and viewed every
inch of progress a move from night into day."
COMIX PAGE. The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic, Ace
Photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful
Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
PANEL ONE: Typo, signalling Floyd the Barmaid for another round at
the Bait Shoppe, declares, "Well hello, kids! Speed's in the office
discussing his bar tab with a couple of Floyd's exercise clubmates, but
that gives us this opportunity for a chat! Say, do you ever have trouble
staying awake at meetings?"
PANEL TWO: Adding a generous tip to the tab, Speed smiles, "Well,
kids, you can turn those marathon seminars into fun games with a simple
pastime, one we in the newsroom call Bullshit Bingo! Start by drawing a
square on a sheet of paper, and divide it into five columns and five
rows!"
PANEL THREE: Grabbing a handful of peanuts from the passing snack
bowl, Typo instructs, "Now, kids, write one of these words or phrases in
each square. Synergy. Strategic fit. Core competencies. Best practice.
Bottom line. Revisit. Expeditious. 24/7. Out of the loop. Focus-group
data. Value-added. Proactive. Win-win. Think outside the box. Fast
track. Result-driven. Take ownership. Knowledge base. At the end of the
day. Touch base. Mindset. Reader friendly. Paradigm. Game plan.
Leverage."
PANEL FOUR: Typo smiles, "Got your grids finished, kids? That's fine!
Now, each time you hear that word or phrase in your meeting, mark it
off!"
PANEL FIVE: Holding Speed's trenchcoat, a deathbed gift from an
ancient mystic wire service executive editor on a fog-shrouded eastern
island as his pal soars toward the street, Typo finishes his toddy,
advising, "And now here's the fun part, kids! When you have all 25
squares X'd out, stand up and scream 'Bullshit!' It's a great icebreaker
when you're meeting new assistant managers!"
BONG Chief Copyboy Charley Stough, former 11-time prizewinner for the
San Antonio Express-News (12 if you count that one of the slot
editor's), invites BONGers worldwide to communicate by e-mailing
bongs-@yahoo.com.
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