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BONG Bull No. 674 pull over
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Charles Stough
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May 11, 2006 07:35 PDT
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The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's World-Famous Encyclical
BONG Bull
No. 674
Copyright © 2006 by BONG
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For May 11, 2006. Hey, wow, you think you'll make it to payday on that
$9.6 million severance, Tony Ridder? We know a saloon that'll spot you
or any of your former employees a turkey sandwich until you get the cash
flow straightened out, says the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild, and
this is BONG Bull No. 674!
EVER BEEN TO OAKWOOD, OHIO? It's a fun little suburb of Dayton where
mowing a lawn with your shirt off can get you arrested. We know a
newsman who was pulled over there for the crime of "weaving within
lane." Rape and murder are crimes that Oakwood solves only when other
police departments make arrests, but if you're thinking of starting an
unlicensed kazoo band, don't let the sun set on you in Oakwood.
Still, at this time of year Oakwood is ablaze in blooming dogwood,
redbud and tulips. For a free screensaver you can download the Chief
Copyboy's artistic interpretation "Oakwood in Spring (with police
cruiser)" here or by entering this in your window:
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/copyboy@sbcglobal.net/detail?.dir=e24f&.dnm=64d6re2.jpg&.src=ph
I'm calling in a few markers with pals among Dayton bar and
restaurant owners and will have "Oakwood in Spring" and other works
displayed soonest. Art galleries they're not, but then no hoity-toity
art barn ever offered Tsingtao AND three choices from Column A either.
THE IDEA FACTORY. A couple Sunday Page and Quick Adjournment Committee
ideas that reporters can take to town:
-- How do police cars get that way? In researching Oakwood, Ohio's
police car livery, I was astonished by the huge variety of paint and
decal patterns on cop cars. See the catalog offerings of Gall's online
store here for many pages of off-the-shelf designs. Also see Bloomington
Hills, Mich.'s spiffy Corvette prowler, and that polizei Porsche in
Germany. So who designs those paint jobs? Is there a Picasso of
police-car painters, or do sisters of police chiefs do them? What would
a cop car designed by a newspaper artist look like? Whose idea was it to
put a mirror-image "ECILOP" sign on the hood? Was that before or after
"ECNALUBMA?" Which local cop admits fashion sense?
-- As the circus season gets rolling, why do circus bands almost
never play "The Stars and Stripes Forever?" Answer: Because it's a
trouble alarm for circus workers. What other secret codes are there for
theaters, sports arenas, hospitals, shopping malls, etc.?
OOPS, LOST OUR HEAD. I erred in BB673. The guy professing law at NYU is
John Ayer, not Joel. Joel's the other guy.
COMIX SECTION. The (updated) Further Adventures of Herman "Speed"
Graphic, ace photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and
his Faithful Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
PANEL ONE: Typo distracts Speed from his workaday drudgery,
declaring, "Wake up, Boss! We have to complete the new Community
Awareness Quiz before we pick up your pay check! Quick now, where does
one go in town to get a jicama, the Chagrin Chow Barn or the Cuyahoga
U-Pump-It Salad Bar?"
PANEL TWO: Shaking sleep from his eyes, Speed gathers his
trenchcoat, a deathbed gift from an ancient mystic wire service
executive editor on a fog-shrouded eastern island, and states, "Neither!
You get 'em off the produce inspector! Name's Wally, got a dog named
Skip that only chases British sports cars! Kids' names are Eddie and
Billy! But who would want a jicama? What's a jicama, anyway?"
PANEL THREE: Typo interjects, "I'll score that OK, Boss! So, who
designed the bus station sign, Andy Warhol or Peter Max?"
Speed yawns, "Warhol! Limo broke down in '67, had to thumb his way
in with Balduf and Margolis in Blackwell's station wagon...!"
Typo demands, "Enough! What's the difference between a hero and a
hot shot?"
Speed barks, "Buck-fifty, unless you know Floyd the Barmaid at the
Bait Shoppe, used to date Ryan till he died but she caught him with
Jennie that time, liked to throw muffins at him when she drank too
much...!"
PANEL FOUR: Typo enquires, "Name all the streets between Rosenfeld
and Palmer, east to west!"
Speed enumerates, "Gaffney, Beyerlein, Larsen, Koehler, Morris and
Hills, and also Fusco and Roat, but they got plowed up for the power
company plaza back in '62. Snookie the Bookie used to have his newsstand
at ...!"
Typo demands, "Got it! How much does the police chief make?"
Speed replies, "Twelve eighty a week plus 200 kickback from the tow
service, less 100 for his sweetie Lucinda to supplement her water
department salary, and a grand a month from...!"
PANEL FIVE: Typo gasps, "My heavenly days, Boss! You outscored
Features Editor Hyperba Lee by 89 points! She'll be livid that anyone
knows this town better than her!"
Sliding his fedora back over his eyes, Speed smiles, "No problem,
Typo! She doesn't know whether I know about the love letters, and she's
not gonna ask!"
BONG Bull is the creation of Chief Copyboy Charley Stough, former
newsman at many fine papers and a couple of yo-yos, in Dayton, Ohio.
E-mail bongs-@yahoo.com for any reason.
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