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BONG Bull No. 676 through the fence
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Charles Stough
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Jun 25, 2006 19:11 PDT
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The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's World-Famous Encyclical
BONG Bull
No. 676
Copyright © 2006 by BONG
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For June 26, 2006. So after the House and Senate agree on an immigration
bill, all the through-the-fence day laborers will be replaced by
tax-paying, U.S.-born Will-Work-for-Food off-ramp attendants, is that
right, Fox News? asks the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild, and this
is BONG Bull No. 676!
BEFORE WE BEGIN. A few you won't read from the wordplay-challenged San
Antonio Express-News copy desk: Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was
a salted. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: "A beer please, and another for the road." Two Eskimos sitting
in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly
it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
THE BEAT OF THE 00s. It would have been a brave mainstream newspaper in
1955 whose bosses allowed a regular rock music column. And a famous
newspaper now.
So editors, what's your lock on cutting-edge innovation and fame in
future decades? Cover today's circus of election-bending political
commentary.
Local talk radio shows are the garage bands of our time. Syndicated
gabbers and propaganda lobbyists are the traveling acts. Convention
keynoters are the bus travelers. Whether dodging cream pies or Letterman
jibes, anyone who makes a living wise-cracking about Dick Cheney or
Hillary Clinton begs for coverage, challenge and fact-checking.
Cheap beat, limited travel, big grabber. Come on, you dropped the
ball on Milli Vanilli, SUVs and payday loans. Serve your readers by
keeping them up to date on 2006's biggest fun hobby, badmouthing the
other guys.
SHOW YOUR BACKSIDE AND WIN. For an art project, the BONG Convention
Themes and Insiders Secrets Committee seeks copies of the reverse sides
of a few old news photos, where the generations of page editors measured
out their lives in points and picas. The more marked up the better, even
if the marks are only crop marks, slugs, rubber stamps, proportion
arithmetics and remarks like FLOP and RETURN TO DIMBLEDORFER. Coffee
rings especially welcome.
The content of the front side of the shot is fairly irrelevant,
though we admit that any picture that was re-used many times is probably
historic, maybe Marilyn Monroe, J. Edgar Hoover or Japanese diplomats
surrendering. Just tell us what the front is.
Send no originals. They're probably not yours anyway, and they're
certainly not ours. Photocopies or scans only, reverse sides only. Any
language is welcome.
BONG will respond with a coveted Commercial Scimitar Foreign
Correspondent press card to each contributor. Send an email to BONG
Center (address below) for transmittal instructions.
SCREEN SAVERS. Help yourself to copies of any of the original artworks
at the Chief Copy's Yahoo pix site. They make dandy screen savers, can
be fashioned into nifty resume enhancers or, when you find the secret
side pocket, inspire newspaper auditors to rip out walls. High-res
poster-sized versions are also available at marginally higher cost.
Upload the paintings here or go to:
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/copyboy@sbcglobal.net/detail?.dir=/e24f&.dnm=20f2scd.jpg&.src=ph
COMIX SECTION. The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic, ace
photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful
Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
PANEL ONE: Sliding through the rotating door, the Deft Duo come
face-to-face with an inward-bound squad of police. As Speed huddles in
his trenchcoat, a deathbed gift from an ancient mystic wire service
executive editor on a fog-shrouded eastern island, Typo greets the
constabulary, "Ah, then you've come for the drugs, is that it?"
PANEL TWO: The confused sergeant stammers, "Why, uh, no, nothing
about drugs!"
PANEL THREE: Rapt in study, Typo suggests, "The guns, then? Someone
is complaining about the guns?"
The officer responds, "No. We got an anonymous telephone tip that
this paper is preparing to say intelligence agencies' secretly peep in
terror suspects' girlfriend's diaries!"
PANEL FOUR: Typo brightens, "Ah, that would be Features Editor
Hyperba Lee's office, third-floor corner! And if you don't mind, Hyperba
would like your men to crash through the door two at a time, shirtless
but keep the boots and helmets, and humming Nine Inch Nails tunes!"
PANEL FIVE: As the peace officers march in to do their duty, Speed
marvels, "Wow, it takes a lot to be a modern-day cop, Typo!"
Typo agrees, "But it ain't exactly duck soup to get an afternoon of
Hyperba's meetings pre-empted either, Boss! Can I get a little credit
where credit is due?"
BONG Bull is the creation of Chief Copyboy Charley Stough, former
newsman at many fine papers and a couple of yo-yos, in Dayton, Ohio.
E-mail bongs-@yahoo.com for any reason.
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