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BONG Bull No. 677 red card
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Charles Stough
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Jul 10, 2006 19:41 PDT
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The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's World-Famous Encyclical
BONG Bull
No. 677
Copyright © 2006 by BONG
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For July 11, 2006. Thanks, U.S. Customs. for finding the Viagra and
putting a whole new meaning on the expression, "Yeah, but Rush Limbaugh
was on drugs when he said that!" says the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures
Guild, and this is BONG Bull No. 677!
CONTRAINDICATIONS WARNING TO THE WALL STREET JOURNAL EDITORIAL PAGE.
Reading the New York Times can cause you to become dizzy, faint, or have
a heart attack or stroke. Tell all your healthcare professionals that
you read the New York Times. If you need emergency medical care for a
heart problem, it will be important for your healthcare professionals to
know when you last read the New York Times. Reading the New York Times
may uncommonly cause vision changes. Some common side effects of reading
the New York Times include headache, flushing, upset stomach, stuffy or
runny nose, urinary tract infection or diarrhea. If, after reading the
New York Times, you experience an erection lasting more than four hours,
seek medical help immediately.
ONE YOU WON'T READ IN THE SAN ANTONIO EXPRESS-NEWS, WHERE PUNS AND
WORDPLAY WILL GET AN EDITOR SPANKED. In the Dayton Daily News, BONG's
new local paper, "Obit writers thinking outside the box."
IF THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA ... --? And she is Anna Wintour of U.S Vogue,
what is the local middle-manager at the second-tier rag in your life and
what does he or she wear? Choose your demon:
-- The backstabber wears Target.
-- The lifer wears gimme tees.
-- The imp wears team jerseys.
-- The suck-up wears hand-me-downs.
-- The boss's intern kid wears silk.
-- Beelzebub wears BVDs.
-- The gnome wears Goodwill.
-- The tattler wears an invisibility cloak.
-- The pizza glutton wears tomato paste.
-- The basket case wears Everlast.
SCREEN SAVER. This week's freebie is a whimsical poster for the annual
meeting of the World Photo Editors Chowder & Marching Society, meeting
in Eloy, Ariz., in August. There's a lot of inside humor in the graphic,
starting with Eloy, Ariz., in August, when even the horned toads wish
they were in Aspen. Help yourself, or contact the Chief Copyboy to
discuss how you can become the art-connoisseur owner of a larger,
high-res poster for your cubicle. Upload the art here or go to:
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/copyboy@sbcglobal.net/detail?.dir=/e24f&.dnm=20f2scd.jpg&.src=ph
MONDAY-MORNING HOOLIGANS. Shocking. Stunning. Worse than a baseball
slugger taking steroids or an over-the-hill halfback murdering his wife.
Well, maybe not the halfback. But talk in Internet groups among World
Cup soccer fans after France's Zinedine Zidane's career-ending head butt
was unforgiving. The guy should've sucked it up. Example chatter:
Whyist: "Zidane's moment of madness may have been provoked by
(Italy's Marco) Materazzi calling his sister a prostitute, according to
report on Brazilian television channel Globo. Fantastico, a programme on
Globo, employed a lip-reading experts who said footage showed the
Italian twice insulted Zidane's sister."
Mike: "Sorry, that's still not enough. Basically, the equivalent of
'Yo momma.'"
Ron: "Exactly. Who here hasn't had their sister called a prostitute?"
COMIX SECTION. The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic, ace
photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful
Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
PANEL ONE: Safely ensconced in the back booth at the Bait Shoppe with
the new style manual, the Deft Duo discuss developments in the bold new
design paradigms. Speed enquires, "Wow, Typo, can you believe there will
be absolutely no stories jumping off Page 1 ever again? No maundering
interviews of columnists' garrulous and incredibly articulate late
uncles? No dueling muffin recipes? No moody silhouette photo fillers?"
PANEL TWO: Typo, flicking a wandering moth off his pal's trenchcoat,
a deathbed gift from an ancient mystic wire service executive editor on
a fog-shrouded eastern island, declares, "That last one should give us
pause, Boss! No rehashed photo spreads based on sneaky twisting of the
Brightness-Contrast dial and the Rotate button!"
PANEL THREE: Speed wonders, "I guess Absentee Publisher Gimlet Peen
knows what he's doing! We have to deliver according to a shrinking
attention span in media!"
Typo agrees, "That's right, Boss, and not just among staffers! But
wait! Look, over there by the newsrack! It's Ursula, my Unrequited Love!
What's she doing in the Bait Shoppe? Ursula! Ursula, you've come back to
me ... !"
PANEL FOUR: Before Speed can intervene, the panel is obscured by pain
stars and popout lettering reading "ka-LANG ka-LANG ka-LANG ka-LANG!"
PANEL FIVE: Comforting his pal with a shredded bar towel, Speed
counsels, "Just rest easy, Typo! The ambulance has been called, and
Circulation will account for the damaged copies!"
Typo gamely smiles, "Don't worry about me, Boss! Did you see how she
swung that newsrack, and full of unsold 3-stars, too! Did you see that
focus!? Did you see those biceps!? Is it any wonder I love her so!?"
BONG Bull is the product of Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild Chief
Copyboy Charley Stough, in codger's paradise overlooking Dayton, Ohio.
E-mail bongs-@yahoo.com for any reason.
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