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BONG Bull No. 678 reality show
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Charles Stough
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Jul 26, 2006 11:34 PDT
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The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's World-Famous Encyclical
BONG Bull
No. 678
Copyright © 2006 by BONG
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For July 26, 2006. What, Oprah, you're NOT gay? What, Mainstream Media,
you LED with that? All right, everybody down to the bar for a seminar in
what to do on a slow news day, says the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures
Guild, and this is BONG Bull No. 678!
KINKY NEWS. Yeah, well, speaking of slow news, somebody at Fox News
wonders why the press is fascinated by Kinky Friedman, candidate for
governor of Texas.
First of all, Kinky doesn't really seem to be fascinating nearly as
many reporters as any new Toyota.
And second, if any candidate in Delaware or Connecticut never lights
his cigar, has a campaign slogan of "Why the hell not?" and has a band
called the Texas Jewboys, yes, then someone's burying the lede.
But here's the reason this newsman is cheering for Kinky: He ain't a
Republican. He's not in the state legislature that went dead-bug for Tom
DeLay.
He's not in the majority that interrupted a special session on school
finance to whip through a bill to protect poor struggling real estate
developers who build schools and houses laced with scrap asbestos in
their insulation.
He's not the Republican governor who signed it into law, so if you
find toxic waste salted into your house you can't file a lawsuit until
you or your children have the incurable cancer. That could take
decades, and by then the developer will have a school named for him and
be living beachside in Costa Rica.
And most of all, Kinky's not a Texas newspaper editor who looked at
the Asbestos Sprinklers Relief Act, down there in the little type at the
bottom of the statehouse story, gasped, rose to full stature almost as
tall as the water cooler and galvanized newsroom crusaders with the
famous shout, "Quick! Another editorial against flag burning, and write
it like you mean it!"
LOVING THE TECHNOLOGY. When the Annual Evaluations, Root Canal and
Funner Things Committee hit on the photo editors' convention poster for
BB 677, little did they know that they were on the threshold of a new
era. Not only can they make you a real 16x20 poster as seen here but
they can splice in the personally tailored rubber-stamped line "Do Not
Use Facing the Comics Page Without OK From (Your Name Here)." And it's
only $25 plus postage! Wow, what a coup for your cubicle, dorm room or
executive washroom! See the poster, based on the BACK side of an old
8x10 print from every newspaper morgue, at:
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/copyboy@sbcglobal.net/detail?.dir=/e24f&.dnm=20f2scd.jpg&.src=ph
PRODUCTION TIP. Every columnist has his or her dry moments. Shame. If
Henry Alford can write in the NYT about the books people keep near their
toilets, you have no excuse for writer's block. Unless of course you're
the food writer, in which case you can recycle that 16-parter about
oregano. See Alford's output at
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/23/books/review/23alford.html?ref=books .
REPORTING ALERT. A major midwestern font of knowledge really paid a
reporter to write:
"Like the decorative rock that now sits in front of Stebbins High
School bearing a plaque honoring him, retiring Superintendent Alex
DiNino will be remembered for his steady leadership of the Mad River
Local School District."
COMIX SECTION. Herman "Speed" Graphic, ace photographer for the Chagrin
Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful Companion, Typo the Wonder
Pig will return in the next edition.
BONG Bull is the product of Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild Chief
Copyboy Charley Stough, in codger's paradise overlooking Dayton, Ohio.
E-mail bongs-@yahoo.com for any reason.
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