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BONG Bull 679 hello Hollywood
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Charles Stough
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Aug 04, 2006 08:10 PDT
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The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's World-Famous Encyclical
BONG Bull
No. 679
Copyright © 2006 by BONG
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For Aug. 4. 2006. Having a bad press week, Mel Gibson? Think about just
taking a couple of reporters out for drinks and a drive along the beach
for a heart-to-heart, suggests the Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild,
and this is BONG Bull No. 679!
HOW STREET REPORTING USED TO BE. It made for good stories when 1970s
reporters rose early to snatch the curbside trash of White House
A-listers. It also stirred almost as much flag-waving ire among Nixon's
aides as the NYT's recent SWIFT banking stories did, though we don't
recall the Wall Street Journal doing any counter-garbage-sifting
editorials.
Jump to 2006: Corporate media moguls beg White House aides for old
chairs and trash being ripped out of the dilapidated press room.
What, you guys don't know how to get up early any more?
HOW DO THINGS GET NAMED? There must be a semantics professor somewhere
who knows why things get called what they do. For example, neither on
Wall Street nor in any multimillion-dollar wire transfer spam are there
any offers from Joe and Eddie's Bank. Smucker's Jam, but no Smucker
Report on CNBC. Makes you wish that TV programs and newspapers were
named with the same creative energy as kittens.
For example, bands playing in Dayton clubs this week include Bad
Haggis, Big Leg Emma, Halos Were Found @ the Landing Site, Spungeworthy,
One Less Distraction and (Friday only, good seats still available) the
Temptations appearing with the Four Tops.
Here are some local names for winds around the world: Brickfielder
(Australia); Cape doctor (South Africa); Maria ("Paint Your Wagon");
squamish (British Columbia); sundowner (Southern California); warm braw
(New Guinea); williwaw (Aleutian Islands). Thanks,
http://ggweather.com/winds.html.
The ancient Greeks had nice wind names, representing gods (and we're
grateful for this list by Matilde Asensi from her novel "The Last Cato")
clockwise from north: Boreas, Hellespontio, Afeliotes, Euro, Euronoto,
Noto, Libanoto, Libs, Zephyr, Argestes, Tracias, Aparctias. Zephyr
traveled with his lover, Cloris the nymph, which explains Ms. Leachman.
Hey, everything has to be named something. Canton (Ohio) Repository
staffers live with that on their press cards. But way back when the
committees were breaking up and sycophants were saying, "Great idea,
J.B. What are we going to call it?" wouldn't it have been nice to be in
the room?
TABLOID WARS, SKIRMISHES, TIFFS, SCRAPS. Reviews are less than ga-ga
over Bravo's new cable TV reality series "Tabloid Wars," which pits the
intrepid subway-straddling heroes of the New York Daily News against
those scrabbling ruffians of the Post and Newsday and, occasionally, a
gentleman from The Times.
Well, goombas, the Professional Standards and Martini Recipes
Committee is underwhelmed. There's nothing different about our
fog-shrouded eastern island colleagues except the train-wreck magnetism
of their gossip columns. News for them, as for the rest of us, only
means going somewhere, asking questions, and writing down the answers.
It's the same for a fire in a Park Avenue condo or a Dubuque grain
elevator, except that the Dubuque paper is more likely to be making
money.
SPEAKING OF PRESS HEROES. Mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent of the Daily
Planet is getting more big-screen exposure lately for moonlighting as
Superman, but old pal John Means <jme-@express-news.net> reminds the
Membership and Saloon Credit Committee of somewhat lesser known but
equally inkstained colleagues Peter Parker, aka Spiderman, of the Daily
Bugle. And over at the Daily Sentinel, Britt Reid hung his hat when he
wasn't doing Green Hornet gigs.
GRAPHIC GIFT. This edition's art side is a bunch of bananas. Just think
how appropriate it will be for your cubicle, screen-saving away all
night as those drudges on the copy desk rifle your rubble for that press
release. This one has a subliminal message too. See it here or at:
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/copyboy@sbcglobal.net/detail?.dir=/e24f&.dnm=20f2scd.jpg&.src=ph
COMIX SECTION. The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic, ace
photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful
Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
PANEL ONE: The Deft Duo enjoy an afternoon of Class A Chagrin
Gargoyles baseball as Typo remarks, "Hand me the binoculars, Boss! I
think -- Boss, wake up! -- I think a Kokomo Carper is coming to bat!
Wow, these company tickets are the berries!"
PANEL TWO: Waking from his nap under a jury-rigged tent made from his
trenchcoat, a deathbed gift from an ancient mystic wire service
executive editor on a fog-shrouded eastern island. Speed intones, "Check
out the private boxes behind home plate, Typo! I think we may confirm
the rumor that the company really has better seats than these!
PANEL THREE: Typo reassures, "You got it, Boss! Say, I think, yes!
Yes, it is ...!"
Speed queries (in a subordinate dialogue bubble, from outside the
panel), "What!? What!?"
Typo continues, "...It is! It's scantily clad Features Editor Hyperba
Lee in a compromising position with Absentee Publisher Gimlet Peen in
the company's sky box with full buffet catering and free cocktails,
Boss!"
PANEL FOUR: Speed gasps, "Amazing! Buffet? Cocktails?"
Typo appends, "And look at that negligee on Hyperba! Wow, I didn't
know Chagrin Tent & Awning had that much pink canvas, Boss! Hand me that
telephoto lens! Wow, we're going to clean up on this one!"
PANEL FIVE: As another home-run ball thuds nearby, ignored, Speed
drools, "Buffet? Cocktails?"
Slapping a second 500-shot film drum into the camera, Typo asserts,
"Don't lose focus, Boss! If we got the nosebleed section because of our
publishers convention negatives, just think what these will be worth
when Gimlet finds out we have them!"
BONG Bull is the product of Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild Chief
Copyboy Charley Stough, in codger's paradise overlooking Dayton, Ohio.
E-mail bongs-@yahoo.com for any reason.
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