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BONG Bull No. 686 happy holidays
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Charles Stough
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Dec 21, 2006 14:58 PST
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The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild's World-Famous Encyclical
BONG Bull
No. 686
Copyright © 2006 by BONG
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For Dec. 21, 2006. Oh, Mr. Trump, family values paragon and media
darling of moms and dads everywhere! Put a chapter on how you negotiated
behavior mods with carousing beauty queens in your next book, begs the
Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild, and this is BONG Bull No. 686!
COUNTER-PULITZER PRIZES OF 2006: What a year this has been, what with
the liberal media cabal laying off hundreds, throwing themselves on the
mercy of Google and Yahoo but still finding a few pennies in the cashbox
for bonuses for all those talented managers! But still, there were
standouts.
ONLY THREE MORE SHOPPING DAYS FOR CHRISTMAS LAYOFFS: Time Magazine.
SNATCHING MOST PUBLIC ATTENTION ON STARTLING THINGS THAT ARE USUALLY
KEPT PRIVATE: Santa Barbara (Calif.) News-Press owner Wendy McCaw,
Britney Spears (tie).
YES BUT WE'RE NICER BECAUSE WE GOT IT FROM A HANDOUT: Wall Street
Journal, for simultaneously scolding the New York Times for reporting
anti-terrorist tricks, and reporting the same news.
BEST REASON FOR J-SCHOOLERS TO CUT CLASS AND PLAY COMPUTER GAMES:
Hundreds of U.S. newspapers join Google and Yahoo to share ad and news
content.
ANOTHER WAY TO WIN PROFESSIONAL NOTICE: With all of Texas' hilarious
culture and jack-leg politics right below the balcony, the San Antonio
Express-News makes Romenesko by banning headline puns.
STICK TO RADIO WITH YOUR CHOREOGRAPHY: Diatribe artist Rush Limbaugh,
for his televised impression of palsy sufferer Michael J. Fox.
BEATS OVERSTATING TIPS ON EXPENSE ACCOUNTS: Miami Reporters admit
accepting money from government propaganda broadcaster Radio Marti.
WE WARNED YOU THAT TV CAMERAS WOULD TURN SEDATE MEETINGS INTO COMIC
BRAWLS: House of Representatives, U.S. Senate, New York Knicks, Denver
Nuggets.
NOT FOR OUR LIST BUT TRY ELSEWHERE: Author O.J. Simpson, and his book
editor Judith Regan.
BUT WHAT GOOD IS THE LIST IF YOU JUST TELL YOUR YO-YO FANS TO CANCEL
THEIR SUBSCRIPTIONS? Bill O'Reilly says his Fox News staff compiles a
daily 'Bill in the News' folder of press mentions, and for some reason
most of them are negative.
LOOSEST HOLD ON REALITY: Who gets surrounded by SWAT cops stalking a
Miami publisher on the empty executive floor, in Thanksgiving week, with
a toy gun? A pissed-off cartoonist.
QUANTUM LEAP NEWS. Hundreds of newspapers announce their associations
with Google or Yahoo to share want ads and, some day soon, news content.
Thus ends the struggle to turn circulation and ad sales around.
Coincidentally, thousands of journalists get layoffs or early
retirements.
Also coincidentally, editors watching the buses leave (or riding
them) may ask: How many abstruse committee projects failed to pull in
how many prime demographic readers? How many Pajama Day in Features
parties did you attend, or order? When's the last time an assistant
managing editor went out on a story in the dark? Or was even in the
newsroom after dark? How many deadlines did you let slide, and how many
thumbtacks in the wall did you sternly punish?
Ah well, maybe the struggle for readership at your shop ended a long
time ago, but you just didn't notice.
ACTUAL ENGLISH SUBTITLES USED IN FILMS MADE IN HONG KONG, according to
Internet lore:
I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Fatty, you with your
thick face have hurt my instep. Gun wounds again? Same old rules: no
eyes, no groin. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. Damn, I'll
burn you into a BBQ chicken! Take my advice, or I'll spank you without
pants. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? Quiet or I'll blow
your throat up.
Also, You always use violence; I should've ordered glutinous rice
chicken. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! You daring lousy
guy. Beat him out of recognizable shape! I have been scared shitless too
much lately. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
Also, The bullets inside are very hot; why do I feel so cold? How can
you use my intestines as a gift? This will be of fine service for you,
you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your
manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
Also, Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short
rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a
thorough examination. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget
to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain
of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
SYSTEM CRASH BLUES. By Dayton Daily News' Ken Palen, on the occasion of
yet another computer collapse (to the tune of "Spinning Wheel"):
A file called up
Won't close down
Spinning ball, gotta go round
Another system blowup, it's a cryin' shame
Someone call the Help Desk, so they can pass the blame
Got no DB, get on the phone
We're all stuck, you're not alone
Try to keep on workin, but you never win
Time's still a-wastin' as the spinning ball spins
Did you get a busy line when you tried to call Dave Newton?
The systems' dead, the budget's bled and Gene is in seclusion
And no work is getting ... done ... done ... done
Life is late
And Neighbors cooked
In the end, the desk gets rooked
Odds of hitting deadline are mighty slim
We're slowly turning gray as the spinning ball spins.
THE WORLD'S THE GRIMMER: Chris Hayward, TV writer who helped develop
Mountie hero Dudley Do-Right and other immortals for the Rocky and
Bullwinkle TV show, died Nov. 20. He was 81.
NOT MUCH DIFFERENT FROM EDITORIAL WRITING, BUT THE STAKES ARE HIGHER.
Doug Stivison <stiv-@pulpit.org> went from the Wall Street Journal to
a "quirky" preaching journal and pastoring a multi-ethnic church.
He said that on the same summer as the first Woodstock festival, he
won the Alicia Patterson Journalist of Tomorrow essay contest run by
Newsday.
"I received a savings bond and a wonderful letter encouraging me to
pursue a career in journalism. Damn, if I didn’t do just exactly that.
Now I’m still crafting and buffing up those sentences but it isn’t to
earn a 28% ROI for the stockholders. Let the people say Amen, or should
that be '30.'"
See it at www.pulpit.org.
COMIX SECTION. The Further Adventures of Herman "Speed" Graphic, ace
photographer for the Chagrin Falls Commercial Scimitar, and his Faithful
Companion, Typo the Wonder Pig.
PANEL ONE: Finishing the last of the cherry pie on the ledge outside
the photo lab, the Deft Duo admire the snowy streetscape below as Speed
remarks, "You know, it's funny how no one ever notices when we grab the
whole dessert table, Typo!"
PANEL TWO: Typo explains, "It's how we counter Absentee Publisher
Gimlet Peen's money-saving technique, Boss! He keeps 'em hungry till the
last minute, then dazzles 'em with 30 cold pizzas! The starving rabble
is so deep in pepperoni, mushrooms and cardboard that they don't notice
us and the copy editors doing the ant-army thing with the good stuff!"
INTERPANEL SILHOUETTE: Flicking a caper off his trenchcoat, a
deathbed gift from an ancient mystic wire service executive editor on a
fog-shrouded eastern island, Speed belches, "Well, the four pizzas we
snagged were good too!"
PANEL THREE: Speed queries, "I wonder if we'll eat this good when the
newsroom is fully on-line with that Garble.com search engine and news
service, Typo!"
Typo predicts, "Oh, I think we may even do better, Boss! All those
Omaha steaks, gourmet casseroles, exotic fruits, pricey smoking
materials and rare brandies just a left-click away! And no more lockouts
of the graphics, no matter what Legal says!"
PANEL FOUR: Speed gasps, "Graphics!? You mean they'll look at --?"
Typo nods, "You got it, Boss! The executive suite is about to learn
how the Internet builds reader loyalty!"
PANEL FIVE: Speed speculates, "Then it's only a matter of time until
they find where we've been stashing the convention hospitality suite
negatives and -- !"
Typo mutters, "That too, Boss! I've been thinking about how we're
going to deal with Features Editor Hyperba Lee when she's getting 22
million hits a day!"
BONG Bull is the product of Chief Copyboy Charley Stough in Dayton,
Ohio. E-mail bongs-@yahoo.com for any reason. Or what the hell, for
no reason.
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