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Country Singles March Newsletter
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Harlan. Jacobsen
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Feb 28, 2008 12:01 PST
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COUNTRY SINGLES NEWSLETTER 2-28-08 Issue 117
Copyright 2008
http://www.countrysingles.com
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I N T H I S I S S U E:
** E-mail Netiquette for Smoother Relationships
** Growing Close: When relationship turmoil is a good thing
** Is Television Ruining Your Dating Relationships?
** National Singles News Briefs, including
-- "New ideas" about love.
-- Best approaches to online dating.
-- Does stress cause divorce?
~ ~ ~ ~ HAPPY St. PATRICK’S DAY! ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~ HAPPY EASTER! ~ ~ ~ ~
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Yes, this is a FREE newsletter, but remember the “dues”: helping us
spread the word. Please forward this free online publication to singles
you know! Invite them to sign up. Sharing is good.
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E-mail Netiquette for Smoother Relationships
E-mail is so pervasive -- and such a problem -- for so many of us that
advice on the proper use of the "send" button is popping up all over.
"Fast Company" magazine cautions against hasty messages, where you put
little thought into phrasing or punctuation. Confusion and
miscommunication can result. One study found that people tend to read
e-mails as more negative than they were intended. Even positive wording
can come across as neutral if other factors distract.
For instance, really short messages, no greeting and no closing increase
the likelihood the message will be interpreted negatively. Poor
spelling, and incorrect punctuation or capitalization also detract from
the message. The magazine's conclusion: "The best solution isn't
necessarily better e-mails, but fewer e-mails. Before you shoot off
another missive, consider the face-to-face meeting or phone call first."
Recent newspaper articles also examined the thornier issues of e-mail
exchange. One suggests that you should avoid sending non-essential
e-mails; you don't want to be the source of frustrating clutter.
A good test for much of what you do or say -- including e-mail -- is to
ask yourself how you would feel if what you're doing winds up on the
evening news tomorrow. Your e-mails can live on long after the
relationship ends; the time may come when the receiver no longer cares
about protecting your public image.
Peggy Duncan, author of the book Conquer E-mail Overload with Better
Habits, Etiquette and Outlook, says e-mail is not the way to solve
complex problems; too many details get lost or confused. Instead, pick
up the phone.
Avoid shortcuts for words (such as tbd for "to be determined") or Gr8
(great). They are easily misinterpreted; also, they put the recipient
in an awkward situation if they don't understand the abbreviation.
Avoid multiple attachments, especially large files, which can lock up
the receiver's inbox. Ask before you send large or multiple files, says
Duncan.
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Get timely tips on how to handle the mysteries of dating by signing up
for Harlan’s dating e-newsletter. Just send a blank e-mail to
dating_agai-@topica.com. It’s informative and it’s free!
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SINGLES NEWS BRIEFS
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"New ideas" about love.
Oprah.com claims that some "conventional thinking" about
relationships is "Wrong, all wrong." When looking for romance,
it turns out that it's good to be picky -- speed daters who wanted to
follow up with every person they met were generally perceived as too
desperate. (When it comes to love, we want to feel special.) Also, you
can change the other person -- but only a little bit at a time. Instead
of complaining "You never help around the house!" ask for something
small. "How about if I wash and you dry?" Over time, tiny adjustments
can make a big difference.
Best approaches to online dating.
Here are some pointers for better online dating, from a recent "USA
Weekend." 1. Research. Before selecting a dating site, know what
sites are out there, who they serve, and their ratios of men to women.
Depending on your own interests, a small specialty site might be more
productive for you than one of the mega-sites. 2. Be honest. Puffing
up your profile can only lead to a let down. 3. Make the effort. If
everyone waits to be "found," no one will meet. 4. Get over "no."
Don't let a lack of response get you down. It's a waste of energy. 5.
Wait before meeting. Start with phone conversations -- several of them.
One source recommends waiting a month before you meet in person.
Does stress cause divorce?
While much research considers the stress caused BY divorce, what
role does stress play in causing divorce? Researchers compared data
from Germany, Italy, and Switzerland and found that divorced people were
most likely to attribute their divorces to low commitment or lack of
skill in areas such as communication, problem solving, and coping.
However, according to the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,
most described an accumulation of everyday stresses as the key factor in
their decision to divorce.
Quotable.
"Life should be a little nuts; otherwise it's just a bunch of
Thursdays strung together." Actor Kevin Costner.
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HELP FOR THE NEWLY SINGLE! Our singles' Internet information is
maintained solely to help newly divorced and widowed people. Newly
singled people find out about it and get help only if readers like YOU
tell them about the sites and newsletters. Next time you attend a
support group, class, seminar, singles event etc. please do both us and
them a favor by recommending and telling them about these sites,
newsletters, and courses. Remember, these services are all totally FREE.
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GROWING CLOSE
When relationship turmoil is a good thing
by Janet L. Jacobsen
Shifting from casual dating to more serious involvement may be an
especially difficult time for a relationship, according to recent
research reported in the journal "Personal Relationships." Anger,
sadness, fear and jealousy are more likely when the relationship has
only "moderate" levels of intimacy, the study found.
These negative feelings were most closely associated with two factors.
One involved a person's general sense of uncertainty about the
relationship. The other related to their perceptions that the partner
interfered in their daily life, such a disrupting personal plans or
wasting time.
Responding to these findings, the researchers suggested that people who
want their romantic relationships to shift more successfully to a deeper
level of intimacy should "dispel ambiguity" and "avert disruptions."
Isn't THAT helpful.
NORMAL UNCERTAINTY
Let's face it, moving from dating each other casually to having a really
close relationship is just naturally fraught with uncertainty. Are they
feeling what I'm feeling? Are things moving too fast? Too slow? Did
they misunderstand? Am I being too pushy?
These changes almost never happen in perfect synchrony; one or the other
is taking a little more risk at the moment, feeling a little more
vulnerable. If we care at all (and at this stage, apparently we do),
we're also constantly concerned about whether we should pull back a bit,
give each other more space.
We're trying to ask for more, without making the alternative all or
nothing.
IT’S UNCLEAR
So how exactly could we "dispel ambiguity"? In theory -- as these
researchers seem to suggest -- we should just always be very clear in
expressing our feelings and our expectations.
Well, how exactly are we supposed to do THAT? Part of the uncertainty
is WITHIN -- what exactly am I feeling? What's the risk and what's the
reward? Do they balance out?
Another source of uncertainty is THEM. We know the person well enough
now to know we're very interested, but hey -- what if we're wrong,
deceived, misinterpreting?
Here's a further complication. I may really like everything I know
about you, but does that necessarily mean the RELATIONSHIP will be a
good one? (If you're a typical single, your history is probably strewn
with really nice people who just didn't work out as a relationship.)
So one day the idea of being exclusive sounds just wonderful and the
next (or maybe later the same day!) it looks like a horrible idea. And
the solution, according to these communication scholars, is to "dispel
ambiguity"?
SORTING IT OUT
Actually, they're right, even if they're a bit glib about it.
Part of what moves us from the casual to the close is this very process
of working through our doubts, concerns, expectations and excitements.
It's each of us sorting them out internally while also executing the
careful dance of sharing them with each other.
One blurts out "I love you" a little too soon, but stays around even
though the other doesn't respond "I love you too." You hang in there
with each other, learning how to talk about your feelings, listen, think
about it, talk some more. Figure out what it actually means for the two
of you.
In fact, as these researchers note, other studies have suggested that
the very process of working through a period of emotional turmoil may be
an important step in developing a long-term commitment.
Here "working through" is the key term. Never-ending emotional turmoil
does not make a relationship close, although it can certainly make it
thrilling and dramatic. Confusing drama with love has been the source
of unhappiness for a lot of people.
The important lesson here is to realize that uncertainty about the
future of the relationship is not necessarily something to run from.
Your partner need not always match your feelings perfectly. Not every
expression of affection will be met with its exact duplicate.
That's normal. Don't let it get you down.
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For help in adjusting to and even enjoying single life, visit our
website at http://divorcerecovery101.com.
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Is Television Ruining Your Dating Relationships?
by Janet L. Jacobsen, Ph.D. Excerpted from the book
“Dating Success: 45 proven pointers”
Watching television may be fine when you’re alone and you’re too
exhausted to move, but it’s death on a date (and in a relationship).
Some people feel that having reached the stage where they stay home
together watching tv is a new height in dating, usually related to the
opportunity for serious cuddling on the couch. And if you’re really
focused on each other and not on the tube, probably no problem. But
when it means sitting parallel in a darkened room staring at a box of
sound and light, you’re not exactly building the romance.
After all, the point of dating is to get to know each other. According
to a type of counseling called reality therapy, activities where you are
mentally involved and where you interact with each other do the most to
help you get acquainted, and to keep your relationship exciting.
Activities where you’re just observers do the least to help you
strengthen your relationship.
Now if you watch a television program and then shut the tube off and
have a lively debate, you’ve used your time well. Even going out to a
movie doesn’t do much for the relationship if you don’t really interact
with each other too. But generally the trip to and from the theatre
gives you time for conversation.
An occasional hour or two of television won’t ruin your relationship, of
course, but it won’t add much either. When people start complaining
about “never doing anything together any more,” or that the relationship
has gotten in a rut is generally not too long after their dating “rises”
to the point of spending time together with the tv.
If tv or movies are all you can think of to do on most dates, better
quit dating for a while and spend your time getting some real interests
in your life. Start a list of new places you’d like to go in your
area, and new things you’d like to try. If you’re in a relationship,
make the list together. And then get busy!
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WHY MAKE THE TYPICAL DATING MISTAKES?
“Dating Success - 45 Proven Pointers” shows you
How to connect with interesting people
How to end a relationship
Tips on using the personals
Important pointers for planning dates
How to communicate with the other sex
And more.
Order “Dating Success -- 45 Proven Pointers,” the positive, practical,
up-beat book by Dr. Janet Jacobsen, for just $10 (includes shipping and
handling) from IE Publishing, Box 9666 Dept. E, Scottsdale AZ
85252-9666. Or order at www.communicationist.com/book.htm.
Satisfaction Guaranteed!
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