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Country Singles September Newsletter
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Harlan. Jacobsen
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Aug 30, 2008 16:28 PDT
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COUNTRY SINGLES NEWSLETTER 8-29-08 Issue 123
Copyright 2008
http://www.countrysingles.com
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I N T H I S I S S U E:
** Tips for Better Dining Dates
** How Men and Women Cope with Break-Ups
** In Pursuit of "Good" Sex -- How objective are your measures?
** National Singles News Briefs, including
-- Honest trumps fun.
-- Marriage and divorce are both awful.
-- Fall farmer's markets for mingling.
-- Dog-lover groups let pets and owners socialize.
-- Build your acquaintance network.
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Yes, this is a FREE newsletter, but remember the “dues”: helping us
spread the word. Please forward this free online publication to singles
you know! Invite them to sign up. Sharing is good.
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Tips for Better Dining Dates
Recently "Reader's Digest" shared a number of tips "Your Waiter Won't
Tell You" that are worth keeping in mind if dining out is a key element
of your dating:
Avoid eating out on Saturday nights and holidays. "Most kitchens will
be pushed beyond their ability to produce a high-quality dish."
Never ever come in at 15 minutes before closing time. While your
dinner is being prepared, hazardous chemicals are being used to clean
the kitchen.
Never say, "I'm friends with the owner." "This marks you as a clueless
poseur."
Don't snap your fingers to get attention. "Remember, we have shears
that cut through bone in the kitchen."
Don't order meals that aren't on the menu.
Splitting orders is ok. Just don't ask for water, sugar and lemon so
you can make your own lemonade.
If you can't afford to leave a tip, you can't afford to eat in that
restaurant.
Always examine the check.
If you've been lingering long after the meal, increase the tip to make
up for what the server would have made with another seating at the
table.
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For help in adjusting to and even enjoying single life, visit our
website at http://divorcerecovery101.com.
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How Men and Women Cope with Break-Ups
Men and women handle break-ups differently, according to a recent
article in "Men's Health" magazine.
One day after "dump day," the Protest Stage: Men are likely to be
physically aggressive -- punching the wall or picking a fight in a bar.
(The article advises "hitting the gym" instead.) Women are likely to
cry their eyes out. (Note: This DOESN'T mean she's having second
thoughts.)
One week after, the Obsession Stage: Men experience "verbal
nonfluencies," meaning they really do find it hard to talk about. "Men
recover by doing things with peers, not by talking it out." Women
settle in to talk with their close social network. "All your secrets
are punch lines, your flaws fatal, and your sexual prowess panned."
One month after, "Worst Is Over" Stage: Most men pursue their exes at
least once, and feel even worse afterward. Instead, vent in a journal,
says the article. Women may begin to feel lonely and "miss" their ex.
Keep your distance and move on.
Six months after, Acceptance Stage: Men tend to reach "emotional calm"
in about six months, generally sooner than women do. She may seek
"closure" by trying to demonstrate that she's better off without you.
"Kill her ploy with kindness. Wish her well."
SINGLES NEWS BRIEFS
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Honest trumps fun.
An Australian study of 147 heterosexual couples (average age male 44,
female 41) examined how similarities and differences between partners in
various types of risk-taking correlated to love and liking in the
relationship. Ethical similarity was most important for the
relationship, but similar attitudes toward health and toward gambling
also proved important. (Differences in risk orientation toward social,
recreation, and investment issues were not related to love/liking.)
Overall, the researchers conclude, "In long-term romantic relationships,
'honest and reliable' has higher priority than 'adventurous and fun.'"
Fall farmer's markets for mingling.
Meeting people can be easy as you mingle among the stalls at a farmer's
market because there are so many reasons to start a conversation. What
is this vegetable? Do you know any good recipes for [whatever item of
produce you're looking at]? If the market includes a spot for breakfast
or lunch, have a meal and use the opportunity to chat with more people.
Even if you don't meet anyone "interesting," you'll be sharpening your
meeting-people skills -- and maybe improving your diet!
Marriage and divorce are both awful.
"The problem with marriage, gay or straight, is that it is way too easy
to get married and painfully difficult to get divorced," writes Creators
Syndicate columnist Susan Estrich. "You can get married in a minute.
The fee is minimal. The fore-thought required is non-existent. . .
What's worse is that most people aren't in their right minds when
they're going through a divorce. They're emotional, not rational. They
want to get even or get back, or they're so guilty they want to give up,
which they then regret, leading them to want to get back what they gave
up."
Relationship-building dates.
A newspaper column invited readers to contribute "date" ideas for
couples -- ideas focused on strengthening the relationship rather than
on the getting-acquainted of early dating. Here are some of their
suggestions: Gourmet cooking classes. Shooting pool. Painting
pottery. Dance lessons. Horseback riding. Early morning hike followed
by breakfast.
Christie won't marry again, she says.
Following the recent bitter divorce that ended her fourth marriage,
model Christie Brinkley told the "New York Post," "I've got my sweet
freedom!" After winning sole custody of her children and of numerous
properties, she said, "I'm not going to marry again. I know too much
about the marriage laws and divorce laws. Getting married again would
not be a very intelligent thing to do."
Dog-lover groups let pets and owners socialize.
Recently the Associated Press carried a story on social groups forming
especially so that dog owners and their pets can get out together with
others for activities such as hikes. "There's dog people and non-dog
people," says a member, so the group provides one way to screen
potential dates. Still, most participants are women (about 70%). Web
sites that promote socializing among pet owners include DateMyPet.com,
DogLover.biz, and DogUp.com. Or set up your own local group through
sites such as meetup.com.
Build your acquaintance network.
A Stanford study found that you are more likely to get new information
and ideas (and contacts) from your acquaintances than from your friends.
Your friends "insulate" you because you probably already share a lot in
common.
Quotable.
"When you're not blonde and thin, you come up with a personality real
quick." Kathy Najimy, actress.
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HELP FOR THE NEWLY SINGLE! Our singles' Internet information is
maintained solely to help newly divorced and widowed people. Newly
singled people find out about it and get help only if readers like YOU
tell them about the sites and newsletters. Next time you attend a
support group, class, seminar, singles event etc. please do both us and
them a favor by recommending and telling them about these sites,
newsletters, and courses. Remember, these services are all totally FREE.
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In Pursuit of "Good" Sex
How objective are your measures?
by Janet L. Jacobsen
What should sex do for you?
Certainly there's research support for positive effects on the body,
including improved respiratory, immune, circulatory and cardiovascular
systems. But what about psychological effects?
What makes sex "good"?
When I ran across a University of Houston psychology department study on
the pursuit of "good" sex, I was interested in how they would measure
the "psychological goodness" of a sexual experience.
Like most such studies, this one involved college students, 164 of them
(33 males), ages 17 to 49 (average age 22). The participants kept
diaries of their sexual experiences over three weeks (they averaged 5.6
such experiences, mostly with "boyfriends/girlfriends"). After the
fact, they also rated how they felt both during the experience and after
the experience, on a 9-point scale (1 being "not at all" and 9 "very
much").
Sex is a personal experience not only in that we individually go through
the process and have our "feelings" related to it, but that we see our
sexual activity in the context of our own lives. For singles this can
be heavily influenced by our self-esteem, loneliness, contentment with
life, contentment with single life. Sex doesn't exist in a vacuum but
in the full context of how we see ourselves and our life at that moment.
So it can be difficult to be objective about what happens. Sometimes
the desire to feel desirable is foremost for us (often true for the
newly single), so much so that the actual outcome isn't a key concern.
How "good" was your experience?
Consequently the items these researchers used to measure the
psychological quality of a sexual experience can give us a more
objective "check-list," so to speak.
Not that you should take a pencil to the rating scale while the sheets
are still warm. But if in retrospect your sexual experiences seem to be
not quite what they should be, or you wonder how "normal" your reactions
are (a typical concern), the following lists can give some guidance to
how you evaluate your actions.
Thoughts and feelings during sex:
-Intimate (how close you felt to the other person during the
interaction)
-Desirable (how desirable you felt, or how much your partner wanted
you during the interaction)
-In control (the degree to which you felt in control)
-Respected (how respected and valued by your partner you felt
during the interaction)
-Loved (the degree to which you felt your partner had romantic
feelings toward you during the interaction)
-Pressured (how pressured you felt by your partner during the
interaction)
-Competent/able (how good you thought you were in terms of skill
and ability during the interaction)
-Choiceful (how able you were to do the things you wanted to do
during the interaction)
-Capable (the degree to which you felt you had the ability to do
the things you wanted to do during the interaction)
-Genuine (how true to yourself you thought you were during the
interaction)
Feelings and thoughts after the experience:
-Satisfaction (how satisfied you were with the interaction after it
was over)
-Regretful (the degree of feeling you have done something you wish
you had not done)
-Guilty (the degree of feeling you have done something that goes
against what you believe in)
-Relaxed (how comfortable or relaxed you felt after the
interaction)
-Content (the degree to which you got out of the interaction what
you wanted)
-Good (how the interaction measured up to what you expected)
-Pleasant (how pleasurable or enjoyable the interaction was)
-Positive (how the entire interaction made you feel)
-Valuable (how worthwhile you think the interaction was)
[Each item was measured on a 9-point scale --1 being "not at all" and 9
"very much."]
Being objective
While it sounds a little cold-hearted, if you find it really difficult
to get a handle on your feelings about sexual experiences, it might be
useful to keep your own diary for a while. It might take only a few
"evaluations" to discover that you have some consistent issues that you
need to deal with.
For instance, if you often feel pressured or not genuine, you may want
to seriously reevaluate your sexual partner(s) or how you choose your
partner(s).
Do regret or guilt play too much of a role? Does the experience
consistently not meet your expectations? If you see patterns in your
behavior that trouble you, it would be good to have a discussion with a
close friend or counselor, to help you evaluate your actions and your
expectations.
Research results
In the study, the highest average rating in the feelings during sex was
for "respected" (mean score 7.91). Love, which averaged 7.58, had the
greatest range/variability across the participants. The lowest rating
was for "pressured" (1.97). The lowest variability was for "capable."
In the feelings after sex, the lowest ratings were for "regretful"
(average 1.89) and for "guilty" (1.82). The highest ratings were for
"pleasant" (7.62) and "positive" (7.61). The measure that showed the
widest variability across participants was "relaxed." The lowest
variability was for regretful and for guilty.
As noted, the participants in the study were primarily young college
students; the responses of older adults might (or might not) be
different. So I've included the study results for general information,
not as any indication of "right" or "wrong" evaluations.
It's personal
The lists provide a baseline, if you will, for giving some thought to
your perception -- and experience -- of sex. Maybe there's something
missing from the list that matters a lot to you. Feel free to add it.
Because the real value of giving thought to lists like these is in
learning more about ourselves.
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