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Country Singles September Newsletter
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Harlan. Jacobsen
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Aug 29, 2009 21:28 PDT
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COUNTRY SINGLES NEWSLETTER 8-29-09 Issue 135
Copyright 2009
http://www.countrysingles.com
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I N T H I S I S S U E:
** Is Living Together "Trial Marriage"?
** Qualities That Make You "Attractive" to Others
** Changing Our Perspective on Loneliness
** National Singles News Briefs, including
-- Flirting for geeks.
-- How to break up.
-- Healthy dates
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Yes, this is a FREE newsletter, but remember the “dues”: helping us
spread the word. Please forward this free online publication to singles
you know! Invite them to sign up. Sharing is good.
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For Most, Living Together Not "Trial Marriage"
"USA Today" reports that a recent study has found that despite the
popular perception that couples live together as a trial marriage, most
cohabitating couples do so in order to spend more time together.
Only 9% of men and 5% of women in the study said they were living
together as a relationship test before marrying. Nevertheless, between
50 and 60% of couples who marry have lived together first. Most
cohabiting couples break up, or marry, within two years.
The study also found that only about a third of couples consciously
decide to live together; for the rest, the process happens gradually.
The study surveyed 1294 unmarried adults ages 18 to 34.
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For help in adjusting to and even enjoying single life, visit our
website at http://divorcerecovery101.com.
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Qualities That Make You "Attractive" to Others
Recently the journal "Personal Relationships" published a study on
loneliness. One measure used in the study listed nineteen
characteristics considered to be positive attributes in a relationship.
We want these attributes in a partner and, not surprisingly, our
potential partners look for these same qualities in us.
Rate yourself from one (low) to seven (lots) on the following
characteristics:
friendly
popular
assertive
physically attractive
warm
communicating clearly
socially skillful
intelligent
interested in people
understanding what others say
humorous
speaking fluently
open and self-disclosing
good leader
reasonable
confident and self-assured
trusting
having positive outlook on life
noticing good experiences.
You don't necessarily need to be excellent at each of these. However, a
low score in any area is likely to impact your ability to make friends
and to develop romantic relationships.
Fortunately, almost all of these are characteristics we can influence
for the better with some practice and/or study. Plus, improvement in
any one is likely to help with others. For instance, if you concentrate
on taking notice of good things happening in your life, it is likely to
give you a more positive outlook, which could help you be more
reasonable.
You can also use this list to evaluate your relationship choices. If
you are "settling" for partners who are significantly lacking in some
combination of these qualities, you may be dooming your relationships
from the start.
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SINGLES NEWS BRIEFS
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Flirting for geeks.
"Wired" magazine reports on a class especially designed for technology
students at the University of Potsdam (Germany) on Flirting 101. Among
the pointers:
Do it digitally. Online contact feels less frightening, but skip
"lame" messages, like "how r u?"
Forget "Star Wars." Keep all "fan" discussions to a minimum.
Express interest. Ask them for more information whenthey talk about
what interests them.
Don't dance. "Too risky."
How to break up.
"O" magazine suggests these 8 steps for "difficult" conversations, such
as a break-up.
1. Show up in person.
2. Consider the setting. It should be "relatively private, and easy
to leave," such as a restaurant.
3. Rehearse -- a little.
4. Remind yourself that you're not the bad guy. Things just didn't
work out.
5. Acknowledge how hard this is.
6. Slip in some praise.
7. Let the other person react. Pay attention, stay calm, don't
interrupt or react emotionally.
8. Express empathy.
Meet me at the library.
With banks of computers, free DVDs, and interesting public programs
such as lectures and book discussions, libraries may be rising on the
list of good places to meet and mingle. "Reader's Digest" magazine
reports that today 68% of Americans have a library card, a record high.
Healthy dates.
Just about everybody wishes they were getting more exercise, so include
some "active" ideas when you're planning a date together. "Vitality"
magazine reports that you burn 100 calories with each of the following:
swimming for ten minutes, ice-skating for 13 minutes, walking laps for
18 minutes, dancing for 20 minutes, and bowling for 30 minutes.
Win some, lose some.
If he's taking Viagra, don't bother with perfume. "Men's Health"
magazine reports that a study published in the "Journal of Urology"
found that men who had taken 100 milligrams of the drug experienced a
significant decline in their sense of smell. Fortunately, the effect is
temporary.
Lousy lie detectors.
According to a survey at Menshealth.com, one out of two men (50%)
believe that they can tell whether their wife or girlfriend is lying.
Yet 3 in 5 women (60%) say their guy doesn't know when they're lying.
Save money, skip tv!
"Television viewing results in an up-scaling of desire. And that in
turn leads people to buy," according to a researcher at Boston College,
whose study found that each additional hour of tv a person views in a
week links to a $200 per year increase in spending.
Quotable.
"If you really want a woman to love you, then you have to dance. And
if you don't want to dance, then you're going to have to work extra hard
to make a woman love you forever, and you will always run the risk that
she will leave you at any second for a man who knows how to tango."
From the short story "War Stories," by Sherman Alexie.
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For archived articles with more tips on dating successfully, visit our
website at http://datingagain101.com.
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Changing Our Perspective on Loneliness
by Janet L. Jacobsen
When I heard the news report about George Sodini shooting up a fitness
center in Pittsburgh, killing three women, wounding many more, and then
killing himself, like most people I wondered what could have motivated
him to do such a thing. Then the reports indicated that Sodini had
blamed his lack of success with women as his justification for what he
was about to do.
My first concern is for anyone else -- male or female -- who feels
themselves so desperately alone.
As I write this, the incident is recent enough that there isn't yet
much background information on Sodini and his life. I've read several
news article, and the reader responses to some of them. No doubt there
are key details missing. The following thoughts spring from what is
known at this time.
1. I'm a person, not a role.
Sodini, 48, explained his actions as being in part because he had not
had a girlfriend since 1984. He felt that women weren't interested in
him. On his website he is reported to have said that he had no
relationships and no friends, that he saw the problem as "not being able
to achieve what I desire in those or many areas."
In his divorce recovery articles (www.divorcerecovery101.com), Harlan
notes that some people who are recently divorced feel as though they
have a "job opening" they need to fill. "I need a spouse," or, in
Sodini's case, "I need a girlfriend."
As one man put it in a blog post about the news, "Guys like Sodini have
been conditioned into thinking that a woman is like a prize in a game
show."
This thinking leads us to be interested not in someone for themselves,
but for the role they can fill in our lives. I don't actually love YOU;
I love the role that you are playing.
Most of us want to be loved for ourselves, for who we are -- warts and
all. We might be willing to go on a date or two with someone who seems
to be mostly shopping for a candidate. Perhaps we'll hit it off and
they'll be interested in us for ourselves.
But if it becomes clear that the focus is not on getting to know us but
on squeezing us into a slot, we're not going to stick around.
2. Developing relationships is a skill.
Sodini's neighbors are reported to have described him as anti-social.
He complained that he didn't have friends.
The ability to make friends and to get along with people does not fall
from the sky like rain. It is learned. That's why they're called
"social skills."
Sodini reportedly lamented his inability to "make things happen" in his
life. His focus seems to have been on finding the right formula -- the
game show rules, as one reader put it -- so that things would fall into
place.
According to reports, he attended at least one seminar on how to meet
women.
Clearly, attending a seminar on how to play baseball doesn't make you a
baseball player. It takes practice. You expect to play badly at first,
because you're a beginner. You recognize that only by being
consistently on the field, in the game, practicing regularly, will you
get good at what you are doing.
In the same way, attending a seminar does not get you a social life.
You have to put yourself out there regularly, learning how to make --
and sustain -- friendships, with people of both sexes. Some work out,
some don't. If you stay in the game, gradually you get better.
3. Do you like people?
There's been speculation that Sodini didn't hit it off with women
because he didn't like women. Apparently he wasn't particularly fond of
his mother.
It's not clear at this point which came first -- not being able to
connect with women and therefore being hostile toward them, or being
hostile toward them and therefore unable to connect.
This step is crucial. Someone once said, "The best way to have a
friend is to be one." Ironic as it may seem, in order to connect with
others we must be willing to set ourselves aside, to take a genuine
interest in others, whether or not they reciprocate our interest in the
way that we want them to.
As one man put it in response to the news reports, "My own success rate
with women went up when I learned to shut up, ask my date how her day
went, and listen with genuine interest."
4. Are your expectations realistic?
A. I've led a lot of singles classes and workshops. One thing I've
noticed that seems to create problems for a lot of people who are
learning how to date is that their expectations are so unrealistic.
Perhaps they've read too many fairy tales. They expect things to
happen fast, to connect with people "magically." If the spark they are
looking for doesn't arrive quickly, they lose all interest in the
person. They aren't willing to invest themselves in getting to know the
other person because they don't think that's how it works.
Or they've decided that if it's not instant and/or magic, it's somehow
not as special as it should be and they don't want to be bothered.
B. People seem to think that they are the only ones who fear
rejection. They are the only ones alone on a Saturday night. They are
the only ones who have to work to develop relationships.
The reality is, others are lonely too. Even people IN relationships
can be lonely. A long-time single friend told me that the loneliest he
ever was was when he was married. If you think loneliness is the mark
of something "bad" in your life or makes you somehow different, you're
not paying much attention to what is happening for others.
C. Each sex seems to think that the other sex has it easy. They
don't. You just don't see what's hard for them, because it's different
than what's hard for you.
The writer Erica Jong pointed out, “All women think they’re ugly, even
pretty women. Even models and actresses, even the women you think are
so beautiful that they have nothing to worry about, do worry all the
time.”
I don’t suppose George Sodini knew that.
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