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Country Singles June newsletter  Harlan. Jacobsen
 May 29, 2010 18:52 PDT 

Copyright 2010

I N   T H I S   I S S U E:

**   How to Mingle with Younger Singles without Seeming "Old"
**   How to Avoid Alienating Your Waitress
**   How to Disagree without Being Disagreeable
**   Productive Dating, Part 3:   
      Dates that Save You Time and Trouble!

** National Singles News Briefs, including
      -- Should you sleep with your dog?
      -- Time to end the relationship?
      -- Friends are still best meeting method.

** Fun Things to Do in June

Happy Father’s Day!

How to Mingle with Younger Singles without Seeming "Old"

Advice on how to find a job when you're over 50 can also be useful for
how to fit in and be comfortable in a social scene with younger singles.

Recently "USA Weekend" offered these pointers:

1. Don't focus on the past. Bringing up "how we used to do it" can
make you come across as arrogant.

2. Help solve problems. Don't expect to be catered to in a group;
participate, do your share.

3. Network. It's fine to use dating websites, but also get out to
singles groups and events where people can get to know you, and you can
get to know them. Make a real effort to mingle.

4. Keep skills up-to-date. You don't have to spend all your time
texting. But you need to know what it is, how to do it, and why you do
or don't choose to use it. Take a class or find a "reverse mentor" --
someone younger who'll teach you.

5. Look the part. "If you haven't updated your wardrobe, glasses or
hairstyle since the 1990s, it's time."

Yes, this is a FREE newsletter, but remember the “dues”: helping us
spread the word. Please forward this free online publication to singles
you know! Invite them to sign up. Sharing is good.

How to Avoid Alienating Your Waitress
Nightclub do's and don'ts

Recently the "New Times" newspapers carried an article by a cocktail
waitress on the do's and don'ts for getting along with the cocktail
servers in a nightclub.

Think it doesn't matter? It does. First, poor behavior gets you poor
service (you brought it on yourself). Second, many singles pay
attention to how you treat servers as a way to discover your real

What your server wants you to know when you're out in the bar scene:

     Know before you order whether you're paying cash or running a tab.
Switching creates extra work. Also, don't hand over a credit card
that's going to be declined.

     That spot where the servers order drinks from the bartender? DO
NOT stand there.

     Don't touch. No patting, hugging, pinching, tickling, nothing. Do
not touch.

     If you're in their way and they ask you to move, MOVE.

     When you've ordered, stay in that general vicinity until they bring
your drink.

     "Surprise me" is not a drink order. If you've made the mistake of
ordering that way, don't complain about what you get.

     "The industry standard for tipping is about $1 per drink or 18-20%
of a credit card tab."

For archived articles with more tips on dating successfully, visit our
website at http://datingagain101.com.

How to Disagree without Being Disagreeable

Let’s face it, people push each other’s buttons. Some folks figure out
pretty quickly what to say to annoy you the most. And you in turn no
doubt have a supply of “zingers” you can rely on, as needed.

All well and good if what we want is to get someone totally out of our
lives. But if you are using such approaches with people you actually
value, you are damaging those relationships, whether you intend to or

Sure, it’s fun to be known as someone with a quick wit or a handy barb,
but verbal assault is still assault, and that brand of conflict will
stop a lot of relationships from ever starting, and send a lot of other
people scrambling to get out of your life.

Assuming that what you want is good friends and close relationships,
it’s time to leave the zingers in your verbal goodie bag, and going for
polite and caring instead.

The book We Can Work It Out, by C. Notarius and H. Markman, offers
seven pointers for disagreeing without being disagreeable.

     1. If asked to do something, answer with what you can do, not with
what you can’t or won’t do. For instance, if you need to turn down an
invitation to lunch tomorrow, say, “Friday would work for me,” rather
than “No, I already have a date.”

     2. When you first notice that someone has done something nice for
you, express appreciation, even if it’s not exactly what you wanted or
the way you would have done it yourself.   “It was so thoughtful of you
to get me daisies!” is much more appreciative than “You know, roses are
really my favorite.” If there is an important issue (“Daisies make me
sneeze”), bring that up at another time.

     3. Greet people warmly. Say goodbye sincerely. Even people you
see regularly.

     4. Don’t be a “psychopest” – someone who explains other people’s
behavior to them under the pretense of being helpful, but actually just
being critical. “You men are all alike” or “You’re acting just like
your mother” are judgmental, not helpful.

     5. Speak for yourself; don’t assume that you can speak for the
other person. “I like going to drag races” is honest. “You would like
drag races if you’d just try them” is a poor – and inappropriate --
attempt at mind-reading.

     6. Making people guess what you’re thinking is rude; even worse is
punishing them when they don’t get it right.   If asked where you’d like
to go to dinner, don’t say, “Oh, I don’t really care,” when you do.

     7. When in doubt, remember the ancient wisdom: “If you don’t have
anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

By the way, these are just as important in how you interact with your
children and other family members, assuming you’d also like those
relationships to be positive and lasting.


Should you sleep with your dog?
It can be cozy to have your pet cuddle up at bed time, but "USA
Weekend" magazine quotes sleep experts that there are disadvantages to
consider. The animal's movements can disrupt your rest, and dander and
dirt on the pet can aggravate allergies. Also, should you someday want
someone else to share your bed, they may not take kindly to the presence
of pets, and the pets may not take kindly to them.

Where to meet people? The library!
"AARP" magazine notes that libraries aren't just for quiet any more.
They have a new role as community hubs, including free activities such
as movie nights, classes, lectures and workshops. Some even have coffee
shops. If you haven't been to the library in a while, check it out!

Time to end the relationship?
Recently a reader asked the "Dear Abby" columnist how to know when it's
time to end a relationship. Her reply: "The short answer is when it
brings you more pain than pleasure. The longer answer is, when you make
a list of the pros and cons in the relationship, and the cons outnumber
the pros."

Friends are still best meeting method.
A recent study by online dating company Match.com found that among
couples who married in the past three years, the most common meeting
method was being introduced by a mutual acquaintance. Second was
meeting at work or school. Meeting online ranked third, at 17% of the
couples, edging out meeting at a bar or nightclub. In contrast, a
Harris Poll found that just 6% of couples married in the last year had
met online.

"The guy I'm dating now is the oldest younger guy I've been with. I
met him at a concert, and I gave him my card -- every single girl should
have a business card, whether she has a business or not." Actress and
comic Fran Drescher, quoted in "More" magazine.


HELP FOR THE NEWLY SINGLE! Our singles' Internet information is
maintained solely to help newly divorced and widowed people. Newly
singled people find out about it and get help only if readers like YOU
tell them about the sites and newsletters. Next time you attend a
support group, class, seminar, singles event etc. please do both us and
them a favor by recommending and telling them about these sites,
newsletters, and courses. Remember, these services are all totally FREE.


Productive Dating, Part 3:   
Dates that Save You Time and Trouble!

by Janet L. Jacobsen

Are you dating to find a Significant Other? Then you'll save time by
consciously choosing your date activities so that each date gives you
important clues about your compatibility with your Person of Interest

Know Yourself

This requires, of course, that you have given conscious and serious
thought to what actually matters to you in relationships and who you are
as a person.

What things do you want to do together, which ones just require
occasional participation, and which will be ok if you just get a "That's
nice, dear" now and then?   

If those things are vague, you can still use this system of dating.
Only now you're dating to learn about yourself, and what you learn about
others is a bonus!

Shared Interests - Or Not

Let's say your passion is collecting antiques. Do you need a partner
who has (or is eager to acquire) the same level of knowledge and
interest as you? Or will it be fine with you if they tag along to an
auction now and then?

Relationally, it's a big difference.

Sports is a key area for these types of conflict. Do they need to go
along to every event and cheer as loudly as you? Is it ok if their
interest runs to just an occasional tv viewing? Can you really live
happily ever after if they have no interest at all or, worse yet, think
NASCAR is dumb?

Here For You

Dating is the test. Invite them along. You'll get an idea of their
interest pretty quickly.

But be cautious. Remember that if you are introducing them to something
new, the interest they show may be more an interest in YOU than an
actual interest in the activity.

Give it time. If they only show interest when you do, the focus is
probably you.

That might be ok. You may discover that you don't really need a partner
who can quote the stats on every player.

What you don't want is for an activity that you love to become a major
source of conflict in a relationship.

Dating is the time to discover your interests and how they influence
your priorities in a partner.

(More "productive dating" tips in future issues!)

Happy Father’s Day!
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