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Smile - its newsletter time! 185
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John Finley
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Apr 19, 2009 12:25 PDT
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John Finley's Learn English newsletter
Monday 20 April 2009 © 2009 Issue No. 185
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Contents:
1. Welcome
2. Test
3. Idiom
4. Jokes
5. Test Answers
6. Subscribe/Unsubscribe information
7. That's all folks
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1. Welcome
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Hi
Oops. I'm falling behind schedule with the newsletter!
One reason is that over the past few weeks I've been
busier than normal as I've had appointments with
various doctors and clinics to give me the go-ahead
for an operation on my left ear.
The operation should have taken place last Tuesday but
was postponed at short notice; but it's now due to
happen on Wednesday (I've to go in on Tuesday morning).
I'm having the operation to remove a cyst from my ear
canal. I had a similar operation in 2001 but the cyst
returned and as it affects my hearing I'm having an
operation to remove it.
Hopefully, I'll be discharged from the hospital on Thursday
or Friday and will then have a week or so at home.
My elder son Ben is looking forward to seeing me with a big
patch over my ear - we've joked about how I'll look like a
pirate who has problems putting his eye patch on!
Maybe to really amuse him I'll wear his pirate's headscarf
over my ear - if I do, maybe I'll put a photo online.
Now, on with the show
;-)
john
To make up for the delay since the last newsletter there are
six jokes in this issue instead of the usual three.
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2. Test
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There is one mistake in each of the five sentences
below. Try to find the mistake and then correct
the sentence. Check your answers at the end of
the newsletter. Good luck!
1. I have eaten too much chocolate last weekend.
2. Julia, Ben and I are going to England on October.
3. Chris did see the film yesterday.
4. Had you a nice holiday?
5. On Saturday I washed my car.
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3. Idiom
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#-# don't count your chickens until they hatch #-#
#-# don't count your chickens until they've hatched #-#
Imagine a farmer has ten eggs which they think
will hatch into chickens.
If they start calculating how much money they
will earn from the ten chickens, then they are
counting their chickens before they hatch.
It's possible that one or more of the eggs will
not hatch. That's life.
Another, more real, example now.
A student applies for ten jobs and receives five
invitations to come for an interview. They then
say to their friends and family that they will
definitely get one of the jobs.
This is a case of someone counting their chickens
before they hatch. Maybe they won't be offered any
of the jobs after the interviews. There are other
people being interviewed too!
It's possible that someone applies for one job,
has one interview, and is offered the job, while
another person applies for hundreds of jobs, has
dozens of interviews and gets no offers.
So, you should never count your chickens until
they hatch!
(A bird, or another animal/creature, hatches
when it breaks out of its egg. When the bird
starts to break the eggshell the process of
hatching has begun. When the bird is out of
the eggshell completely then it has hatched.)
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4. Jokes
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If you do a test or exam in England you will get
a result/grade after the teacher has marked it.
The grades are usually A, B, C, D, E, F, U.
The best result is a Grade A. Grades B and C
are also good grades.
So a grade lower than C is not so good.
Now for the joke ...
#...#
A student came home from school one afternoon
looking very sad. His mother asked him, "What's
the matter?"
He replied, "It's my grades. They're all wet."
His mother looked confused and asked, "What
do you mean 'they're all wet'?"
He replied, "You know, they're all below C-level."
#-#-#-#
A young boy asked his teacher,
"Miss, is God male or female?"
The teacher replied,
"God is both male and female."
Then the boy then asked,
"Miss, is God black or white?"
The teacher replied,
"God is both black and white."
Then the boy asked,
"Miss, is God gay or straight?"
The teacher replied,
"God is both gay and straight."
Then the boy asked,
"Miss ... is Michael Jackson God?"
#-#-#-#
The Psychology graduate asks,
"Why does it work?"
The Engineering graduate asks,
"How does it work?"
The Accounting graduate asks,
"How much will it cost?"
The Arts graduate asks,
"Do you want fries with that?"
#-#-#-#
A tourist in Moscow was walking around the city
doing some sightseeing. After a couple of hours
he needed to go to the toilet but he couldn't find
a public toilet.
He looked and he looked but he just couldn't find
a public toilet anywhere. Eventually he needed the
toilet so badly that he went down a quiet side-street
and started unzipping his pants.
As he did so a Moscow policeman appeared asking,
"Hey, what are you doing?"
The tourist replied, "I really need a pee and I can't
find a toilet anywhere."
The policeman said, "You can't pee on the street.
It's illegal. But come with me and I'll take you to a
place where it's okay to pee."
The policeman led him to a beautiful garden with
lots of grass, flowers and dozens of trees.
"Here," said the policeman, "You can pee here."
The tourist quickly started peeing on the grass and
flowers. When he had finished he turned to the
policeman and asked, "Is this Russian courtesy?"
The policeman replied, "No. This is the American Embassy."
#-#-#-#
A man and a woman were having dinner in a very
fancy restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order
at a nearby table, noticed that the man was slowly
and silently sliding down his chair and under the table,
while the woman acted quite unconcerned.
The waitress watched until the man had slid all the
way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
The woman still appeared calm, apparently unaware
that the man had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress had finished taking the order,
she came over to the table and said to the woman,
"Excuse me, but I think your husband has just slid
under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied,
"No, he hasn't. My husband has just walked in the
front door of the restaurant."
#-#-#-#
A mother has just told her daughter Mary all
about how babies are made. Mary is now silent.
"Do you understand it now?" asks the mother.
"Yes, mummy." replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about when cats have kittens? How
does that work?"
"It's exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow! My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
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5. Test answers
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Here are the corrected sentences.
1. I ate too much chocolate last weekend.
(Yesterday is finished time, so we must use a
past tense in the sentence.)
2. Julia, Ben and I are going to England in October.
('in' a period of time: in October, in spring, in 1998)
3. Chris saw the film yesterday.
(For a finished action in the past we use the
past simple)
Note - it is possible to use 'did see' in this
example but this is only used for stress, normally
after someone has said the opposite, for example:
Bob: "You didn't watch the film yesterday, Mary."
Mary: "I did watch the film!")
4. Did you have a nice holiday?
(Past simple questions use the structure:
did + subject + infinitive)
5. On Saturday I didn't wash my car.
(This is a trick question - I never wash my car so
I can't write 'On Saturday I washed my car'!)
But 'On Saturday I washed my car' is grammatically
correct. Sorry, I just felt like having a bit of fun ;-)
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6. Subscribe/Unsubscribe details
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7. That's all folks!
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That's all for a couple of weeks.
;-)
john
<a href="mailto:topfe-@yahoo.com">
topfe-@yahoo.com
</a>
You can read all previous issues of the newsletter at:
<A HREF="http://www.topica.com/lists/learnenglish/read">
http://www.topica.com/lists/learnenglish/read
</A>
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