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Jest in Literature - More Problems  Gunjan
 Feb 10, 2004 19:55 PST 

11th February 2004

Another quick word
                                 ~ Gunjan

The Real Problem with Shakespeare ...
                                  ~ Lane

... If you wanna do it, do it right !
                                  ~ The Doc

The Conclusion
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====> Another quick word

It's working ! I think !! We did get old Rip Van to
open one eye and mutter a few lines !


~ Gunjan

[Note for Newcomers - This list runs on the brain
power of The Doc. Gunjan normally just supplies
the fingers {which means he formats the issues}. Since
The Doc has been doing a Rip Van Winkle on us
Gunjan is upto naughty business.]

Comments or Questions :

Thomas Leech, one of today's experts on public speaking and
business communication, teams up with William Shakespeare,
the acknowledged master of language, timing, and persuasion,
to offer powerful communication lessons.



====> The Real Problem with Shakespeare

You might accurately say that Shakespeare did not have
word processing (Duh-uh, Dave Barry!) but that is not
the reason for his failure to communicate.

I think more importantly he did not have a secretary.

A secretary might have shaped him up; told him - "For God's sake,
say what you mean you jarring fool-born mumble-news..
(Or discordant idiotic illiterate.)

I think basically what he did not have was the formula
for successful authoring, i.e., Agatha Christie, the Harlequin
Romances, Jackie Collins, etc, wherein the good (person)
meets up with a (maybe) bad person and the action commences.
Some killing. Some romancing. and after the killing (or maybe
even the romancing) , good starts to question maybe-bad,
and along comes another (maybe good or bad) person to reveal
the depths of depravity or madness of the (maybe bad) person.
Then some more romancing. No killing this time because we
want to use some of these characters again.

There was no high-tech marketing or communications tools in
Shakespeare's day, so he could get away with idiotic patter
and banter and claiming that every royal family had a nut case,
murderous tyrant or youthful agonizing philosopher running free
(I guess he did have a formula after all!)   No royal member
wanted to be seen at a play lest it be about his lineage, and
he/she might have to admit that though it might be offensive,
he/she did not understand a word anyway so there was no
problem about slander.

News traveled slowly, so the next town to be treated to
Shakespeare's latest drama would not have heard about how
bad and nonsensical it was before they plunked down their

The critics were afraid to criticize lest it be assumed or
claimed they did not understand the play in context.

The performers were just glad to have jobs.

But in spite of it all, we still find him appealing. Perhaps we
do not want to admit . . .

Anyway, for your interest, I enclose a modern-day compendium
of do-it-yourself Elizabethan insults, as follows:,

Combine one word from each of the three columns below,
prefaced with "Thou":


Column 1           Column 2                Column 3> >
artless               base-court               apple-john>
bawdy               bat-fowling                baggage>
beslubbering      beef-witted                barnacle>
bootless            beetle-headed           bladder>
churlish             boil-brained               boar-pig>
cockered           clapper-clawed         bugbear>
clouted              clay-brained             bum-bailey>
craven               common-kissing       canker-blossom>
currish               crook-pated             clack-dish>
dankish             ismal-dreaming         clotpole>
dissembling       dizzy-eyed               coxcomb>
droning              doghearted               codpiece>
errant                dread-bolted             death-token>
fawning             earth-vexing              dewberry>
fobbing              elf-skinned               flap-dragon>
froward              fat-kidneyed             flax-wench>
frothy                 fen-sucked              flirt-gill>
gleeking            flap-mouthed            foot-licker>
goatish              fly-bitten                  fustilarian>
gorbellied           folly-fallen                giglet>
impertinent         fool-born                 gudgeon>
infectious           full-gorged               haggard>
jarring                guts-griping             harpy>
loggerheaded     half-faced                 hedge-pig>
lumpish             hasty-witted             horn-beast>
mammering       hedge-born               hugger-mugger>
mangled            hell-hated                jolthead>
mewling             idle-headed             lewdster>
paunchy            ill-breeding               lout>
pribbling            ill-nurtured                maggot-pie>
puking               knotty-pated            malt-worm>
puny                  milk-livered              mammet>
quailing              motley-minded         measle>
rank                  onion-eyed               minnow>
reeky                 plume-plucked        miscreant>
roguish              pottle-deep              moldwarp>
ruttish                 pox-marked             mumble-news>
saucy                 reeling-ripe             nut-hook>
spleeny             rough-hewn              pigeon-egg>
spongy              rude-growing            pignut>
surly                  rump-fed                 puttock>
tottering             shard-borne             pumpion>
unmuzzled        sheep-biting             ratsbane>
vain                   spur-galled              scut>
venomed            swag-bellied            skainsmate>
villainous            tardy-gaited             strumpet>
warped              tickle-brained             varlet>
wayward            toad-spotted            vassal>
weedy               urchin-snouted          whey-face>
yeasty               weather-bitten          wagtail--


Does the idea of speaking in front on an audience
make you lose zzzzzleep?

Check out www.workinghumor.com/wake.htm


===> If you wanna do it, do it right !

Then there are these, which are the real thing. And it looks
like I better get something going before you and Lane manage
to completely defame Shakespeare for future generations.

A selection of quotations revealing Shakespeare's nasty side.

Vile worm, thou wast o'erlook'd even in thy birth.
~ "The Merry Wives of Windsor" (5.5.60)

Thou art a Castilian King Urinal! Hector of Greece, my boy!
~ "The Merry Wives of Windsor" (2.3.21)

Heaven truly knows that thou art false as hell.
~ "Othello" (4.2.50)

O you beast!
O faithless coward! O dishonest wretch!
Wilt thou be made a man out of my vice?
~ "Measure for Measure" (3.1.151-3)

Some report a sea-maid spawn'd him; some that he was begot
between two stock-fishes.
~ Advertisement

But it is certain that when he makes water his urine is congealed ice.
~ "Measure for Measure" (3.2.56)

Men from children nothing differ.
~ "Much Ado About Nothing" (5.1.36)

You are not worth another word, else I'd call you knave.
~ "All's Well that Ends Well" (2.3.262)

'Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat's-tongue,
you bull's pizzle, you stock-fish! O! for breath to utter what is
like thee; you tailor's yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile
~ "1 Henry IV" (

There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.
~ "1 Henry IV" (3.3.40)

I can see his pride
Peep through each part of him.
~ "Henry VIII" (1.1.80-1)

Thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain
than I have in mine elbows.
~ "Troilus and Cressida" (2.1.29)

~ The Doc

Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult. His jabs
at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring conventionality still have
a penetrating power. His snubs and put-downs became the
talk of his time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750 biting comments...



===> Conclusion !

Miss Smith had read through Hamlet for the first time
and was asked her opinion of it.

"Really," she said, "I don't know why people rave about
it. It's nothing but a bunch of quotations strung together."

(From Isaac Asimov's "Treasury of Humor")

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