|
MadKane Humor -- Dubya Diary, Mountain Misadventure, & More
|
Madeleine Begun Kane
|
Feb 06, 2002 12:11 PST
|
*********************************************
Dear Friends:
Please forgive me if this is a duplicate from earlier today. I sent
this issue out three hours ago and nobody I know's gotten a copy ...
including me. And I figure that's probably a bad sign. Here's the
issue, once again:
Hi and welcome to another issue of MadKane Humor. And a special welcome
to everyone who's new to MadKane.com @ http://www.madkane.com and to
Dubya's Dayly Diary @ http://www.madkane.com/bush.html.
I got some wonderful news this week: I'm one of four nominees for an
Engraver Award in the Best Columnist category. Links to all of the
nominees are here, if you'd like to check them out:
http://inscriptionsmagazine.com/Engravers.html.
This is a special Olympics issue. But don't panic -- I won't be talking
about the luge. Instead I'll be featuring a piece I wrote a few years
back about my mountain climbing misadventure in Salt Lake City.
What else is in this issue? Dubya diary excerpts, MadPicks site reviews
and my MadLines Quiz. Plus I'm introducing a new feature -- Mad
Searches.
You prefer to see a list? Okay, here it is:
* WELCOME NOTE (That thing you just read.)
* RAISING KANE HUMOR (Surmounting Marriage)
*** NEW FEATURE -- MAD SEARCHES ***
* AD SWAP SPONSORS (LinkyDinky.com, FreebieFix.com, AbsoluteRiot.com)
* DUBYA'S DAYLY DIARY EXCERPTS
* MADLINES QUIZ QUESTIONS
* MADPICKS SITE REVIEWS
* MADLINES QUIZ ANSWERS
* GOOD-BYE NOTE (Begging you to help spread the word.)
*** RAISING KANE HUMOR ***
Surmounting Marriage
http://www.madkane.com/surmountingmarriage.html
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Before agreeing to marry my husband Mark, I asked him the usual
questions:
Do you know what a hamper is and have you ever actually used one?
Do you spend weekends sprawled in front of a sports-spewing screen,
devouring couch potato chips?
Are your parents likely to drive me to drink?
Mark told the appropriate fibs, I pretended to believe him, and several
months later we wed. But soon after the wedding, I realized I'd
forgotten to ask the most important question of all: When you see a
mountain, do you get an irresistible urge to do something stupid?
I'm not exactly athletic. I used to hide behind poles in gym class. And
when asked to hurl myself over the dreaded horse, I'd come to a
terrified halt just as I reached the hurdle. So the only thing I'm
equipped to do on a mountain is snap its picture.
Mark isn't much more athletic than I am. Nonetheless, he thinks he can
climb mountains. And at least once a year, he finds a mountain he simply
must climb. Or, rather, we must climb. After all, a good wife climbs by
her man -- if only to try to keep him out of trouble.
So from time to time, we hike up the relatively tame Hudson Highlands in
New York State. And somehow we survive unscathed. But Mark recently got
the bug to mount a he-man-sized mountain. He had been dutifully playing
the role of writer's spouse at a column-writers conference in Salt Lake
City, Utah, and I was feeling guilty, so I foolishly agreed.
The several zillion foot trek up the mountain was strenuous, but we
managed it okay. We huffed and we puffed and we stared in bewilderment
at our errant compass. Even so, we made it to the top and were feeling
a bit cocky. ("What's the big deal about Utah mountains? Now, New York
State has MOUNTAINS!")
But when it was time to descend, Mark decided to be adventurous. I
wanted to climb down the same route we'd taken up. But
nooooooooooooooooooooo, said Mark. That would be boring. Heaven forbid
we see the same piece of a world-class mountain, twice.
"It's easy," he said, pointing at random spots on our map. "We can loop
around and go this way." Mark was in the grip of one of those
irresistible mountain urges. And there was nothing to do but follow and
hope he could tell east from west.
At first, our path appeared to be a trail and the pull of gravity didn't
threaten to plunge us downward. Then, suddenly, the mountain was
pristine and untouched by human feet.
After fifteen minutes of frantic wandering, I spotted what appeared to
be a walkable trail. Mark studied the map, pretended to understand it,
and off we went. As we later learned, it was a trail all right -- the
trail of a temporarily dry mountain stream. And it was more crouchable
than walkable.
Frontiersman Mark tried to remain upright at first. But he never managed
more than a step or two before loosing his balance and falling to his
rear.
I descended in a safer, seated position -- hands reaching for bush limbs
and getting nabbed by thorns, knees pointed skyward, feet inching
downward at a speed that would make a snail look like a hero.
Mark poohpoohed my stance (or lack thereof) at first. But after several
close calls he saw the benefits of proceeding by the seat of our pants.
And I mean that literally -- when we reached the bottom, my cotton
slacks were torn seatless.
By then we were late for the airport shuttle. We sprinted through the
hotel, ignoring the horrified/bemused glances of employees and patrons.
As we ran, Mark tried to provide cover as I grasped the seat of my
shredded pants. Then he held the shuttle driver hostage, as I grabbed
some clothing and took a bath in the hotel lobby's bathroom sink. How
did I manage this? Trust me -- you don't want to know.
Although exhausted and famished, I felt grateful to be alive. Soon I'd
be home throwing Mark's scattered clothes into the hamper and coaxing
him away from the TV. Assuming, of course, I beat the rap for mooning
several Mormons.
Copyright Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved
(If you prefer to read Surmounting Marriage online, you can find it @
http://www.madkane.com/surmountingmarriage.html )
*** NEW FEATURE -- MAD SEARCHES ***
This new feature could also be called "How The Heck Did They Find Me?"
I'm talking about search engines, of course, and the strange search
phrases that somehow lead people to MadKane.com. Now you'd expect
visitors to find me via search terms like "humor columnist," "Dubya
humor," and "political writer." And of course they do. But surfers also
land on my site using search queries that are a bit more surprising.
Queries like:
"neked girls" (They were surely disappointed.)
"ari fleischer's love life" (Please don't make me think about that.)
"pretzel sales" bush (This one I can understand.)
"Conan O'Brien marriage" (I got 2 hits from this one. Hmmmm.)
"weasle photo" (Huh?)
"Oprah naked" (I got this one a LOT. Scary, huh?)
"is it wrong to hate Dubya?" (Absolutely Not!)
"humor about sex" (Another unrequited search.)
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Please check out these Ad Swap Sponsors:
<?><?><?><?> WHAT'S THIS NONSENSE? <?><?><?><?>
Those lovable scamps, Linky & Dinky, find the DARNdest Web Links,
from the brainy, to the bizarre, to the obtuse, it's always FUN!
NOW OVER 300,000 FANS STRONG! http://www.linkydinky.com
subscribe now! mailto:LinkyDinkyNe-@topica.com
http://www.linkydinky.com
<A HREF=" http://www.linkydinky.com ">Linky & Dinky rule!</A>
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ FREEBIES!!! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Do you realize what you can get for FREE on the internet?? Get YOUR
FREEBIE FIX and find out! Loaded with new FREEBIES & DEALS everyday,
Your Freebie Fix will help you SAVE! Stop by the website and newly
designed FORUMS too!
Visit Now and Save!! http://www.freebiefix.com
Don't forget, get Your Freebie Fix here!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freebiefix/join
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ABSOLUTE RIOT~~~~~~~~~~~
Absolute Riot -- http://www.absoluteriot.com
Entertaining Gateway to the
Funniest Writers on the Internet.
They're an absolute riot!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
*** DUBYA'S DAYLY DIARY Excerpts***
I promised you some Dubya's Dayly Diary. So here are some recent diary
entries:
Jan. 28, 2002
Dear Diary -- The media's upset cause I haven't been givin em much
access lately. Ari even cancelled some question sessions at the last
minute, just fer fun. That should teach em a lesson fer pesterin me
bout Enron.
Ari's just fulla schemes ta make sure the press bends over & treats me
fair. And that they think twice before sayin anything bad bout Tuesday's
speech. My favorite's the one where he has me readin that Goldstein or
Goldberg book bout liberal media bias. Not that I actually read it. I
just carry it round & pretend ta read it like with those boring
Presidential bios. Plus I flash it fer the cameras every chance I get.
I love the Gold book thing cause it tells the press ta watch what they
say. And it reminds people that if the media says anything mean bout me
they're liberal & baised & real unfair.
Ari & Karen say it's called a subliminable message & that they have lots
more subliminable message tricks in their sleeves. I just hope they're
as good as my all time favorite -- that great RATS ad we "didn't" pull
on Gore.
I guess I'd better go practice the big speech. I'm really lookin forward
ta tellin people the importance a homeland security, war, education,
creatin jobs, volunteerism, gettin married & havin kids. Okay, maybe
not havin twins. Cause like I told Bob Kiss the other day in West
Virginia, I've been ta war & I've raised twins. And if I had a choice,
I'd rather go ta war.
Jan. 30, 2002
Dear Diary -- Last night's speech hit a home run. I really let it roll!
Not even that damned niece a mine gettin arrested could spoil my fun.
Maybe raisin twins isn't so hard after all -- mine only get caught
drinkin.
Of course, my aides wanted ta take the "combattin illegal drugs" line
outta my speech on accounta Noelle's arrest. But I refused. Cause if
you fight against drugs you're fightin against terrorism. And if you
take drugs it's kinda like harborin drugs, which is sorta like harborin
a terrorist. Which makes you a terrorist -- unless you're my niece.
My speech was all round good, but I specially liked the part where I
gave myself credit fer startin a new culture a responsibility. I bet
that part made Poppy & mom laugh!
And I enjoyed pushin people ta volunteer & join my new USA Freedom
Corps. What a great name! Though I still think USA Security Corps
woulda been even better.
But the main thing is that now that I have my own volunteer thingy, I
can stop tellin people ta join Clinton's.
It was also cool appealin ta the little people by listin things we
needta do, even though I don't plan ta fund em. Like gettin more
minorities ta own homes. Plus fine schools, health security, & other
Dem type nonsense.
People fall fer that gambit every time! And who knows? If after payin
fer all my wars and homeland security and permanent tax cuts fer my
pals, there's a few pennies left over, maybe I'll even throw em a crumb.
The one thing I felt bad bout was havin ta leave out mentionin the Evil
One. But since we're never gonna get him, we need people ta ferget
him.
On the other hand, talkin bout the Axis of Evil -- North Korea, Iran &
Iraq -- was nearly as good. I can't wait till the Evil Axis gives me an
excuse ta attack.
Oh, I almost left out the best part -- the great number we made up bout
tens a thousands a trained terrorists still bein at large, threatenin
Merica -- ticking time bombs, set ta go off. What a great way ta scare
people into supportin everything I do!
At first I was supposeta use Karen's original made up number --
100,000. We changed the number, though, cause nobody believed it. But
it doesn't matter, cause tens a thousands is plenty scary enuff.
All in all my speech was a great success, & I'm feelin terrific! I don't
know bout the resta the nation, but my state's never been stronger.
Feb. 1, 2002
Dear Diary -- Dick busted his lip big time, ruff-housin with his dog.
At least that's what he claims. Personally, I think Lynn decked him.
That's one ornry woman, almost as scary as mom.
What I wanna know is why nobody's makin jokes bout Dick & his lip. When
I had my pretzel attack they were all over me, even though we're at war
& they're not allowed ta. But everyone's bein real nice bout Dick's lip
& it's got me steamed. Makes me wanna deck someone myself.
I'd start with Daschle & Gephardt & then go right down the lefty list.
Okay, I probably wouldn't deck my friend Ted Kennedy, cause he's not a
half-bad guy. Hey, I bet the folks down at the Crawford Coffee Shop'd
be surprised ta hear I don't wanna deck him too.
But I'd sure like ta punch out everyone else. And when I'm finished
with the Dems, I'd go after that NPR guy who found out bout my heart
arrhythmia. On accounta that nosy fella, now everyone knows my pretzel
spell was a bigger deal than we said. And they'll probably stare at me
whenever I speak, just waitin fer me ta faint.
It's all Laura's fault on accounta what she told Tommy Boy on my Day In
My Life TV special. I still can't believe she told him that right
after faintin I said "something terrible's happened." She's usually
better at watchin what she says.
Of course, Laura says it's all my fault, cause I mentioned my ticker
here in my diary back in December. I still think she's the leak. But
I'm gonna start hidin my diary in a better place, just in case.
Speakina Laura, she wants us ta visit some art museum in the next coupla
weeks. She says we've gotta do it real soon, before Ashy finishes
coverin all the good stuff up.
TO READ MORE "3D" VISIT:
http://www.madkane.com/bush.html.
I hope you'll check in every weekday to see Dubya's latest scribblings.
But if you'd prefer to read them one week at a time, please check out
the "3D" archives:
http://www.madkane.com/busharchives.html.
*** MADLINES QUIZ QUESTIONS ***
Here's my latest MadLines Quiz based on real (albeit offbeat) headlines
that recently appeared in the news. In each of the two headline batches
below, three out of four items are real. Which headline in each batch is
the product of my own "Mad"ness? (You'll find the answers near the end
of this newsletter.)
BATCH 1
(a) Woman weds cardboard cutout...
(b) Vets treating more and more stoned pets...
(c) Mobile phone bills paid in potatoes...
(d) Suspected haircut attacker arrested in California...
BATCH 2
(a) Shoulder to shoulder, Blair and Bush nominated for peace prize...
(b) Forecaster in hot water over rain prediction...
(c) Defecating figurines are tradition in Spain...
(d) Woman loses out in showdown with snowman...
No cheating now!
*** MADPICKS ***
Here are my latest MadPick Award Winners. I hope you'll enjoy visiting
these excellent sites:
Sips From The Dribble Glass Of Life @ http://www.dribbleglass.com This
very entertaining site features funny pictures, useless trivia, strange
cards, jokes, links, spoofs, satire, & lots of other fun.
MYDD Politics @ http://www.mydd.com/politics.html A well-organized
political portal with links to political publications, forums, news,
polls, analysis, audio and video, and other useful political sites.
SpeechBot @ http://speechbot.research.compaq.com Wondering if anybody's
been talking about you? Pop your name into this speech search engine
and find out. This site takes ego-surfing to a whole other level.
Laydoff.com @ http://www.laydoff.com Founded by an ex-Enron employee,
this is a job loss-related site with a sense of humor and a name that's
sure to rile Ken Lay. It features a forum for Enron victims and "active
angrywear" with slogans like "Field of Schemes," "401KO'D," and "Texas
Style Justice."
TheOrneryReports.com @ http://www.theorneryreports.com The slogan of
this entertaining site is "Equal Opportunity Offenders. Making up news
other journalists won't touch." It features parody news stories and
other fun.
Rexanne's Homepage @ http://members.aol.com/Rexanne3/index.html Rexanne
has lots to say about parenting, holidays, and many other topics. So
check out her "personal soapbox."
LinkScan@ http://www.elsop.com/quick This site lets you quickly check
the code on a single Web page to find bad syntax, broken links, and
more.
For these and other MadPicks visit: http://www.madkane.com/madpicks.html
And don't forget to scroll down for categorized links.
*** MADLINES QUIZ ANSWERS ***
So are you ready for the answers to the "MadLines" Quiz?
Are you sure?
Okay, all of the headlines in Batch 1 are real except...
(c) Mobile phone bills paid in potatoes... (Their coinage was
cauliflowers.)
All of the headlines in Batch 2 are real except...
(d) Woman loses out in showdown with snowman... (That battle was lost by
a man.)
If you'd like to keep up with offbeat news items like that (so you get
the right answers on my next quiz) visit:
http://www.madkane.com/offbeat.html
That's it for this issue. For more humor about everything from marriage,
money, and cars to computers, privacy, and politics, please stop by
http://www.madkane.com and check out my Latest Humor Page @
http://www.madkane.com/Latest.html. And please help spread the word by
forwarding this newsletter to anyone you think may enjoy it. Thanks and
enjoy!
Mad Kane
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
WANT MORE HUMOR? Subscribe to the funny columns of
Melvin Durai, Chandra Clarke, Dave Glardon and Amy Chavez
here: http://www.madkane.com/otherhumornewsletters.html
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
***********************************************************
Madeleine Begun Kane, Humor Columnist
http://www.madkane.com
MadK-@MadKane.com
Subscribe: mailto:madkane-s-@topica.com
Copyright 2002 Madeleine Begun Kane
***********************************************************
|
|
 |
|
