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MadKane Humor -- Valentine's Day Issue
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Madeleine Begun Kane
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Feb 12, 2002 09:32 PST
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Dear Friends:
Hi and welcome to another issue of MadKane Humor. And a special welcome
to everyone who's new to MadKane.com @ http://www.madkane.com and to
Dubya's Dayly Diary @ http://www.madkane.com/bush.html.
Before I get started, a quick word about my Message Board: Several of
you have emailed me to ask why my board was down. The short answer is
that my site was targeted by another site for an organized attack. And
the result was an avalanche of message board postings, far too obscene
and despicable to describe. So I closed the board down temporarily, and
the posters, whose most commendable attribute seems to be a short
attention span, finally moved on.
My message board is up and running again, and I hope you'll drop by and
post a message when you get a chance. Hearing from some "normal people"
would be a refreshing change! Each page of my site has a graphic link to
my board. Or you can just go directly here:
http://www.madkane.com/wwwboard/wwwboard.html .
And now back to my regular programming: This is a special Valentine's
Day issue, featuring my Valiant Guy's Guide To Valentine's Day. What
else is in this issue? Here's the whole list:
* WELCOME NOTE (That thing you just read.)
* RAISING KANE HUMOR (Valiant Guy's Guide To Valentines Day)
* MAD SEARCHES
* AD SWAP SPONSORS
* DUBYA'S DAYLY DIARY EXCERPTS
* MADLINES QUIZ QUESTIONS
* MADPICKS SITE REVIEWS
* MADLINES QUIZ ANSWERS
* GOOD-BYE NOTE (Begging you to help spread the word.)
*** RAISING KANE HUMOR ***
Valiant Guy's Guide To Valentines Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
http://www.madkane.com/valentines.html
Attention guys -- it's time to get ready for Valentine's Day. After all,
you don't want a repeat of last year, do you? I didn't think so.
For most men, the very mention of Valentine's Day conjures up memories
of a last minute, fruitless shopping expedition followed by a quarrel
with their girlfriend or wife. Women, on the other hand, tend to think
romantic thoughts: champagne, dining by candlelight, strolling
violinists, and an after-dinner brandy in front of a roaring fireplace.
This scenario exists only in their fantasies, mind you. After all, they
are dating or married to you.
Most women know in their Valentine's Day heart of hearts that the best
they can realistically expect is convenience store fare -- a roll of
adhesive tape, a pink baby shower balloon or, if they're really lucky, a
jumbo bag of potato chips.
Nevertheless, females can't help hoping that someday, preferably in this
lifetime, they will enjoy a romantic Valentine's Day interlude. One
that doesn't end with the realization that they've been (a) dreaming;
(b) watching a movie; or (c) reading a book with Fabio on the cover.
Okay, so we've established that Valentine's Day is unlikely to involve
candles, champagne, cognac, fireplaces, violins, Robert Redford and/or
Ricky Martin. Still, it doesn't hurt to shoot for at least some of the
above. (My personal vote goes to Redford circa 1975.)
Will your beloved appreciate your efforts? Of course she will. Females
are flexible, understanding, merciful souls. You don't believe me?
Then tell me what she's doing with you.
The key to achieving a romantic Valentine's Day ... or at least
surviving it without bodily harm ... is to be aware that it is in fact
Valentine's day. This is easier than it sounds; During the two weeks
that precede February 14th (that's right -- this year Valentine's Day
will fall on February 14th -- shocking isn't it?) it will be impossible
to go anywhere without tripping over heart-shaped boxes of chocolate
and/or attractive women deploying perfume-spewing weaponry.
Should you buy candy or perfume for your significant other? Good choice,
but please proceed with caution. For instance, you'll probably want to
avoid any chocolate marked half-off post-Christmas sale, especially if
it's labeled "dietetic."
As for perfume, by now you should be very familiar with your
wife's/girlfriend's taste. Does she go for spicy scents? Delicate
florals? Earthy musk with just a hint of day-two boxer briefs? Hint --
don't buy any scent that reminds you of your mother.
Another tip that Valentine's Day is near is the glut of lingerie
catalogues cluttering your mail box. Not to mention the pornographic
undergarment ads scattered throughout your daily paper. Red alert:
Although it's okay to stash Victoria's Secret catalogues with your
Playboy back issues (assuming you don't get caught) lingerie is not a
suitable Valentine's gift. Except, perhaps, for you.
Okay, V-Day has finally arrived. You've bought gifts for your loved one
and hidden them in a safe place. You even remember where you hid them.
And you've thoughtfully made dinner reservations at this year's hot
French bistro ... or, at least, the Chinese restaurant down the street.
Now don't get tricked into working late. Or lose track of time during
one of those gripping debates about who scored how many points in a game
that took place decades ago.
Instead, get yourself home as quickly as possible and into her loving
arms. Who knows? After all your hard work, there may even be a payoff.
Copyright Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved
(If you prefer to read Valiant Guy's Guide To Valentines Day online,
you can find it @ http://www.madkane.com/valentines.html )
*** MAD SEARCHES ***
This feature could also be called "How The Heck Did They Find Me?" I'm
talking about search engines, of course, and the strange search phrases
that somehow lead people to MadKane.com. Now you'd expect visitors to
find me via search terms like "humor columnist," "Dubya humor," and
"political writer." And of course they do. But surfers also land on my
site using search queries that are a bit more surprising. Queries like:
Old lady face photo (Should I be insulted?)
Mad at your computer (Almost always.)
Bush insane (I'll take the 5th on that one.)
Bush pardon Enron exec Lay (I sure hope not!)
Topless wives (Not on my site, unless you're talking convertibles)
Delusional behavior (Main symptom -- looking for topless wives on
MadKane.com)
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*** DUBYA'S DAYLY DIARY Excerpts***
I promised you some Dubya's Dayly Diary. So here are some recent diary
entries:
Feb. 5, 2002
Dear Diary -- Yesterday was "New Realities" Budget Day. And what a great
budget it is, with almost everything going ta my favorite stuff. Like
the military, homeland security, & tax cuts fer my friends. Plus TV ads
that say "fight terrorism by fightin illegal drugs." Unless the drugs
come from pals like the Northern Alliance.
Of course there's not much left ta spend on anything else -- just like
we planned when I first agreed ta run.
Naturally the Dems are real steamed, but all they can do is make noise.
Cause here's another New Reality -- Dick & I can do whatever the hell we
please.
I'm also prouda my government reform plan, which uses performance ratins
ta stops wasteful spendin. Fer instance, if a program I don't like
flunks the test, that program gets punished with zero dinero. But if a
program I do like flunks the test, it gets mucho moro dinero. Cause
that's how things work when Merica's at war.
Which reminds me -- Condy's doin a great job tellin our nambypamby pals
what's what. I can't believe they're still freakin out over the Evil
Axis thing. Cause like I love ta say, you're either with me or agin me.
And if our so-called allies don't clean up their act, that Evil Axis
just might get bigger.
Speakina tuff gals, Dick's better half came up with a great way ta get
me more supporters. History teach-ins! She says they'll help Mericans
learn what freedoms I'm defendin. Like freedom a speech --- hahaha!
Note ta self: Ask Lynne what other books I should pretend ta be readin.
Feb. 11, 2002
Dear Diary -- I gave another "rah rah let's roll" speech at the
Olympics opener & then headed off ta Jackson Hole. I was gonna stick
round fer a buncha the games, but it turns out there's no baseball & no
target shootin. What the hell kinda Olympics is that?
While I was out in Salt Lake I met that cute Sasha Cohen, who supposedly
skates real good. I don't know bout that. But like I told her mother on
the phone, that's one well behaved little girl. Maybe we shoulda given
the twins skatin lessons.
I wanted ta keep hidin out in Jackson Hole on accounta this week's
campaign finance reform vote. Cause the Shays bill is givin Hastert a
hissy fit, & he's takin it out on me. But like I keep tellin him,
though I'd really like ta help, he's mostly on his own. Cause my
twistin arm's been Enronized.
And there's more bad news -- the FBI didn't get Johnny Walker Lindh's
confession in writin. If that screwup gets him off, I'm gonna be real
steamed. But Poppy says don't worry, cause no juror'll feel sorry fer
that poor, misguided Marin County hot tubber.
I sure hope he's right. But just in case he isn't, I'm keepin my
spankin new cowboy hat handy. Cause modelin that $2500 gift from the
Beef Association is a surefire way ta cheer myself up.
Laura thinks that wearin such a fancy, custom built hat'll hurt my man a
the people image. But I told her not ta worry -- it goes perfect with
my custom boots.
I also said she should stick ta readin & lookin pretty. And ta leave
the politics ta me.
TO READ MORE "3D" VISIT:
http://www.madkane.com/bush.html.
I hope you'll check in often to see Dubya's latest scribblings. But if
you'd prefer to read them one week at a time, please check out the "3D"
archives:
http://www.madkane.com/busharchives.html.
*** MADLINES QUIZ QUESTIONS ***
Here's my latest MadLines Quiz based on real (albeit offbeat) headlines
that recently appeared in the news. In each of the two headline batches
below, three out of four items are real. Which headline in each batch is
the product of my own "Mad"ness? (You'll find the answers near the end
of this newsletter.)
BATCH 1
(a) Severed arm used as hood ornament...
(b) Greenspan's Math Skills Honed on Baseball...
(c) Guinness confirms longest ear hair world record...
(d) Horse Plays Surrogate Mom to Rare Donkey...
BATCH 2
(a) Reunited couple to marry after man bites dog...
(b) Space hotels to slingshot between Earth and Mars...
(c) Scientists May Have Discovered Eternal Life Gene...
(d) Football club offers cut-price tickets to clowns...
No cheating now!
*** MADPICKS ***
Here are my latest MadPick Award Winners. I hope you'll enjoy visiting
these excellent sites:
EnronGate.com @ http://www.Enrongate.com EnronGate.com's stated purpose
is to help "focus attention on the debacle at Enron Corporation." It
features news, articles, op-ed pieces, useful links, a message board,
and more.
Andante.com @ http://www.andante.com An excellent classical music
magazine with news, reviews, interviews and commentary covering the
entire spectrum of classical music.
U.S. News Archives on the Web @
http://www.ibiblio.org/slanews/internet/archives.html This fine
resource provides links to United States news archives. Papers are
arranged by state, with links to the newspaper home page or the news
archives search page and info re charges, if any, and archive dates.
Cooking With Gus @ http://www.guscooks.com An entertaining cartoon
strip "where playing with your food is a rule."
For these and other MadPicks visit: http://www.madkane.com/madpicks.html
And don't forget to scroll down for categorized links.
*** MADLINES QUIZ ANSWERS ***
So are you ready for the answers to the "MadLines" Quiz?
Are you sure?
Okay, all of the headlines in Batch 1 are real except...
(a) Severed arm used as hood ornament... (It was a severed head.)
All of the headlines in Batch 2 are real except...
(a) Reunited couple to marry after man bites dog... (All together now:
The bride bites the dog. The bride bites the dog. Hi-ho the derry-o. The
bride bites the dog.)
If you'd like to keep up with offbeat news items like that (so you ace
my next quiz) visit:
http://www.madkane.com/offbeat.html
That's it for this issue. For more humor about everything from marriage,
money, and cars to computers, privacy, and politics, please stop by
http://www.madkane.com and check out my Latest Humor Page @
http://www.madkane.com/Latest.html. And please help spread the word by
forwarding this newsletter to anyone you think may enjoy it. Thanks and
enjoy!
Mad Kane
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WANT MORE HUMOR? Subscribe to the funny columns of
Melvin Durai, Chandra Clarke, Dave Glardon and Amy Chavez
here: http://www.madkane.com/otherhumornewsletters.html
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Madeleine Begun Kane, Humor Columnist
http://www.madkane.com
MadK-@MadKane.com
Subscribe: mailto:madkane-s-@topica.com
Copyright 2002 Madeleine Begun Kane
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