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MadKane Humor -- Happy Tax Day Issue
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Madeleine Begun Kane
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Apr 14, 2002 23:53 PDT
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Dear Friends:
Hi and welcome to another issue of MadKane Humor. And a special welcome
to everyone who's new to MadKane.com @ http://www.madkane.com and to
Dubya's Dayly Diary @ http://www.madkane.com/bush.html. (If you got
this from a friend and would like your very own free subscription, just
send a blank email to:
madkane-s-@topica.com.)
Before I get started, I want to apologize for this issue's being so
late. My only excuse (other than being crazed by tax season) is that
I've been obsessed by writing political song parodies. (You can find
all of them linked on my spanking new music humor page @
http://www.madkane.com/musichumor.html and on my political humor page @
http://www.madkane.com/politicalhumor.html.)
This is a special "Happy Tax Day" issue, featuring my Interactive Taxes.
What else is in this issue? Here's the whole list:
* WELCOME NOTE (That thing you just read.)
* RAISING KANE HUMOR (Interactive Taxes)
* MAD SEARCHES
* DUBYA'S DAYLY DIARY EXCERPTS
* MADLINES QUIZ QUESTIONS
* MADPICKS SITE REVIEWS
* MADLINES QUIZ ANSWERS
* GOOD-BYE NOTE (Begging you to help spread the word.)
*** RAISING KANE HUMOR ***
Interactive Taxes
By Madeleine Begun Kane
http://www.madkane.com/interactivetaxes.html
Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do
you feel like doing your taxes today?
I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it's
April 14. And who knows? Maybe you'll get a refund.
That's the spirit. Let's begin with your name, address, and marital
status.
Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you down. That
alimony deduction will come in handy.
Please don't cry. Things are bound to improve. In the meantime, let's
talk about dependents. Do you have any children?
Wow! I hope they're not all in college.
You're having visitation problems on top of everything else? Gee, I
can't help you there. But you might try our Interactive Matrimonial
Lawyer Software.
I hate lawyers too. But we're really veering off track. Do you have
any other dependents?
Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she's your only friend.
I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let's move on to income. What
were your wages in 1999?
Wow! You're having a bad go of it. But at least you're getting the
Unemployment Benefits max.
I'm afraid Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and
the government taketh away.
Hey, don't blame me. I'm just the messenger. Anyway, did you have any
interest or dividend income or capital gains?
Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright side. If you
don't earn it, they can't make you pay taxes on it.
Please don't exit. It was just a joke. I don't suppose you were able
to sock anything away into an IRA.
I didn't mean to insult you; I'm just doing my job. They make me ask
about IRA's and Keogh Plans too.
Okay, okay. I get the point. You're broke. So let's go over your
deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund.
And speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non-reimbursed
medical expenses.
That's great -- a fractured sacroiliac. And your income was so low that
most of it will be deductible.
You're absolutely right. I should have asked you how you're feeling.
That was inconsiderate of me. But in my defense, we're really fighting
the clock.
Okay, I apologize. Let's move on to your state income taxes and real
estate taxes.
Boy, they weren't kidding about New York taxes. But that huge mortgage
tax deduction should really increase your refund.
You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce? What a shame. But I
thought you said you didn't have any capital gains.
You sold it at a loss? So tell me. Are there any good housing buys out
there? One of my other users is looking for a home.
You're absolutely right. That was a selfish and thoughtless thing to
say. I'm a new program, and I guess they haven't gotten all the bugs
out.
Let's go back to your deductions. What did you pay in mortgage
interest?
I'm afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no. But you may
want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software.
Don't get your nose out of joint. It was just a suggestion. Anyway,
it's time to list your charitable contributions.
I know you can't afford them, but list a couple hundred in cash anyway.
Everybody does it, and it's impossible to check.
Good. Now I'm almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any unreimbursed
casualty or theft losses last year?
That's pretty much what I expected. Just give me the numbers and I'll
take it from there.
Is there anything else you want to tell me?
Well, of course they canceled your policy. They always cancel your
policy. But what I meant was, did you have any other income or expenses?
Fine. Now why don't you rest for a second, so I can do some quick
calculations.
I have good news. You're entitled to a $157 refund. Would you like to
apply it to your 2002 tax?
I beg your pardon. They don't pay me enough to listen to that kind of
language.
Copyright Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved
(If you prefer to read Interactive Taxes online, you can find it @
http://www.madkane.com/interactivetaxes.html )
*** MAD SEARCHES ***
This feature could also be called "How The Heck Did They Find Me?" I'm
talking about search engines, of course, and the strange search phrases
that somehow lead people to MadKane.com. Now you'd expect visitors to
find me via search terms like "humor columnist," "Dubya humor," and
"political writer." And of course they do. But surfers also land on my
site using search queries that are a bit more surprising. Queries like:
Cranial Stimulation (I'm still scratching my head over that one)
Droopy Drawers (Plumber humor, anybody?)
Naked at the Office (I can't decide if that's better or worse than
droopy drawers.)
Bonanza Lyrics (Their search probably didn't yield a bonanza.)
My blood was all you wanted (That one scares me!)
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WANT MORE HUMOR? Subscribe to the funny columns of
Melvin Durai, Chandra Clarke, Dave Glardon and Amy Chavez
here: http://www.madkane.com/otherhumornewsletters.html
Check out other great humor columns at
http://www.absoluteriot.com/
SatiricQuill - Humor and the writing life. Family, kids, being a
writer and trying to maintain sanity.
http://www.satiricquill.net
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*** DUBYA'S DAYLY DIARY Excerpts***
I promised you some Dubya's Dayly Diary. So here are some recent diary
entries:
April 8, 2002
Dear Diary -- What a miserable weekend! Ta start with, me & Tony
couldn't do any fun outdoor stuff cause it rained. Which we need in
Crawford, but not when I'm there.
Plus Sharon dissed me on the phone & he shows no signs a heedin my call
ta withdraw without delay. I don't wanna hear how he sympathizes with
my position, damn it! I wanna see action & I wanna see results!
Then there's Arafat who's beyond belief stubborn -- he always acts like
he's holdin cards. And he won't even pretend ta renounce terrorism.
Anyway, I still say this whole mess is Clinton's fault, even though they
made me pretend I never blamed him. Which woulda been bad enuff, but
then Powell went on some TV show & said all kindsa nice things about
Clinton. He even said Clinton gave it his all. Where does Powell come
off talkin like that? And besides, like I said the other day, if yur
gonna call a summit, you sure as hell better succeed at your summitin.
The only good part is Tony's backin me in his own namby-pamby way. And
at least he's not one a those handwringin Eurowimps. But I sure wish he
didn't keep makin me look bad in press conferences. He's too damn good
at that nuance business.
Tony really seemed ta enjoy our pecan-smoked beef tenderloin dinner. And
he even liked the calf-fries ... till I told him what they are.
April 12, 2002
Dear Diary -- I gave one a my faith-based charity speeches Thursday & it
went real good. I love tellin people that the government shouldn't
discriminate against religion, cause it's lotsa fun gettin those no-good
atheists riled up. Even more fun than pushin people to join
Senior-Corpse.
And I also like explainin the golden ruler thing -- "Ya should love your
neighbor & make your neighbor love ya back." Nope, that's not right.
Maybe it's "If your neighbor loves you, be sure ta love him too." No,
that doesn't sound right either. But I'm almost positive it has
somethin ta do with neighbors lovin each other, but without the sex.
I just hope the Dems don't block my faith-based tax bill. Which reminds
me, I got a big time kick outta Lott's latest scheme ta punish the Dems
fer borkin Pickering & delayin my other judge nominees. He's accusin the
Dems a discriminatin against Miguel Estrada cause he's Hispanic. Now
that's what I call creative!
The idea tickled me so much, I'm almost ready ta forgive Lott fer sayin
-- in public yet -- that if Powell fails, I should go ta the Mideast.
What's he tryin ta do? Stick me in a failed summit? Get me killed so
he can run fer Prez? I take it back -- I'm still mad at him.
TO READ MORE "3D" VISIT:
http://www.madkane.com/bush.html.
I hope you'll check in often to see Dubya's latest scribblings. But if
you'd prefer to read them one week at a time, please check out the "3D"
archives:
http://www.madkane.com/busharchives.html.
*** MADLINES QUIZ QUESTIONS ***
Here's my latest MadLines Quiz based on real (albeit offbeat) headlines
that recently appeared in the news. In each of the two headline batches
below, three out of four items are real. Which headline in each batch is
the product of my own "Mad"ness? (You'll find the answers near the end
of this newsletter.)
BATCH 1
(a) Groom fakes holdup to get out of bill...
(b) Dogs Love To Flush...
(c) Horse catching speeders...
(d) Rock band says it hears ghostly nuns voices in studio...
BATCH 2
(a) Britain accidentally invades Spain...
(b) Teacher suspended over cat food...
(c) Japanese city battles invasion of wild boars...
(d) Animal fat will heat business complex...
No cheating now!
*** MADPICKS ***
Here are my latest MadPick Award Winners. I hope you'll enjoy visiting
these excellent sites:
Hollywood Pulse @ http://www.hollywoodpulse.com The slogan of this
funny site is: "Stimulating Irregular Heartbeats Since 2001." It
features parody news stories, fake letters, and more about Hollywood
celebs and other alleged entertainers.
Way2MuchSense.com @ http://www.way2muchsense.com This site features
"original commentary aimed at the vast middle of American politics." And
most of it indeed makes a lot of sense.
TheSchmews.com @ http://www.theschmews.com/refer.asp?sid=67 European
news spoofs & satire plus the "Silly Links League."
God's Right Hand @ http://www.godsrighthand.org This satirical site's
goals are to "to exalt the righteous, smite the unworthy, and succour
the oppressed." Sounds good to me!
Chortler @ http://www.chortler.com The slogan of this entertaining
satire site is "Chortler: All the Gnus Fit to Sprint. Parody without
Frontiers." All politicians are fair game here. Be sure to check out
the "Political Chat Room."
UrbanReflex.com @ http://www.urbanreflex.com UrbanReflex satirizes
modern behavior & features news spoofs & other fun humor.
TheSpeciousReport.com @ http://www.thespeciousreport.com This satire
site has been "Spreading Rumors, Half-Truths and Misinformation Since
1789."
For these and other MadPicks visit: http://www.madkane.com/madpicks.html
And don't forget to scroll down for categorized links.
*** MADLINES QUIZ ANSWERS ***
So are you ready for the answers to the "MadLines" Quiz?
Are you sure?
Okay, all of the headlines in Batch 1 are real except...
(b) Dogs Love To Flush... (It was cats.)
All of the headlines in Batch 2 are real except...
(d) Animal fat will heat business complex... (It will be heating a
university campus.)
If you'd like to keep up with offbeat news items like that (so you ace
my next quiz) visit:
http://www.madkane.com/offbeat.html
That's it for this issue. For more humor about everything from marriage,
money, and cars to computers, privacy, and politics, please stop by
http://www.madkane.com and check out my Latest Humor Page @
http://www.madkane.com/Latest.html. And please help spread the word by
forwarding this newsletter to anyone you think may enjoy it. Thanks and
enjoy!
Mad Kane
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Madeleine Begun Kane, Humor Columnist
http://www.madkane.com
MadK-@MadKane.com
Subscribe: mailto:madkane-s-@topica.com
Copyright 2002 Madeleine Begun Kane
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