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MadKane Humor -- Dubya Diary, Oprah Humor, Song Parody
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Madeleine Begun Kane
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Apr 23, 2002 11:19 PDT
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Dear Friends:
Hi and welcome to another issue of MadKane Humor. And a special welcome
to everyone who's new to MadKane.com @ http://www.madkane.com and to
Dubya's Dayly Diary @ http://www.madkane.com/bush.html. (If you got
this from a friend and would like your very own free subscription, just
send a blank email to madkane-s-@topica.com.)
I have some exciting news: Random House just published a terrific humor
anthology. It's called Life's a Stitch: The Best of Contemporary Women's
Humor. And I'm proud to say that one of my humor columns is in the book.
Other featured humorists include Wendy Wasserstein, Delia Ephron, Anna
Quindlen, Kathy Najimy, Christine Lavin, Erma Bombeck, Julie Gold, Cathy
Guisewite, Merrill Markoe, Patricia Volk, Signe Wilkinson, Jane Wagner,
Judith Viorst, Fran Capo, Molly Ivins, Lynn Johnston, Julie Haslton, Roz
Chast, and many other terrific writers, cartoonists, and
singer/songwriters. For more information, including an Amazon.com link
to the book, visit http://www.madkane.com/lifesastitch.html.
Okay, it's time for some humor. Here's what you'll find in this issue:
* WELCOME NOTE (That thing you just read.)
* RAISING KANE HUMOR (Publishing Suffers Another Blow)
* MAD SEARCHES
* MAD SONG PARODY ("I'm Dubya The President" -- Sung to the tune of "I'm
Popeye The Sailor Man")
* DUBYA'S DAYLY DIARY EXCERPTS
* MADLINES QUIZ QUESTIONS
* MADPICKS SITE REVIEWS
* MADLINES QUIZ ANSWERS
* GOOD-BYE NOTE (Begging you to help spread the word.)
*** RAISING KANE HUMOR ***
Publishing Suffers Another Blow
By Madeleine Begun Kane
http://www.madkane.com/oprah.html
In the wake of Oprah's announcement that she's terminating her popular
book club, the publishing industry has sustained yet another crushing
blow: Mad Kane, Dubya Channeler & host of MadKane.com, has announced
that she will not launch a book club.
"I thought long and hard about this," Mad Kane said, "because public
figures have a responsibility to encourage reading. Plus President Bush
seems to think reading is good, and failing to support any Bush mission
is, arguably, a terrorist act."
Warming to the topic, Mad Kane continued: "Moreover, as Dubya's diarist,
my responsibility is even greater. And I know that if I recommended a
book, five or perhaps even ten people would buy that book and maybe even
read it. At the very least, they'd fondle it in the library."
But despite her obvious passion for literature, a Mad Kane book club
isn't in the cards. She explains: "As much as I'd like to exercise my
influence for the public good, I just don't have the time and staff to
handle the outpouring of press releases and pleas from authors and press
agents I'd surely get if I launched a book club. Plus all those free
books would take up way too much room. And, let's face it, most books
suck big time."
When word leaked out that there won't be a Mad Kane book club, the
impact was immediate. Publishers greeted the news with what can only be
described as perturbed confusion mixed with brave determination: This
response from one publishing CEO, who requested anonymity, was typical:
"Who the hell is Mad Kane? Is she someone I should know? Dinner's on
me, if you'll give me her fax number."
When asked what books she'd recommend if she did have a book club, Mad
Kane said, "I'm not sure. However, Buzzflash and Democrats.com seem to
think the new book by that Michael Moore guy is pretty good.
But when pressed for a more personal recommendation, Mad Kane said, "Who
has time to read?"
Copyright Madeleine Begun Kane 2002. All Rights Reserved
(If you prefer to read Publishing Suffers Another Blow online, you can
find it @
http://www.madkane.com/oprah.html )
*** MAD SEARCHES ***
This feature could also be called "How The Heck Did They Find Me?" I'm
talking about search engines, of course, and the strange search phrases
that somehow lead people to MadKane.com. Now you'd expect visitors to
find me via search terms like "humor columnist," "Dubya humor," and
"political writer." And of course they do. But surfers also land on my
site using search queries that are a bit more surprising. Queries like:
How to make a Stink Bomb (I hope it's not planned for me.)
Dress Diary (What the heck is a dress diary? Never mind. I don't want
to know)
Pope "Bush is dumber than I thought" (These days the Pope has other
things on his mind.)
Privacy and Garbage (Scarily enough, that one makes some sense. To find
out why, visit http://www.madkane.com/garbage.html)
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WANT MORE HUMOR? Subscribe to the funny columns of
Melvin Durai, Chandra Clarke, Dave Glardon and Amy Chavez
here: http://www.madkane.com/otherhumornewsletters.html
Life's a Stitch: The Best of Contemporary Women's Humor
http://www.madkane.com/lifesastitch.html
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
*** MAD SONG PARODY ***
I've been writing lots of political song parodies lately, which you can
find on my music humor page:
http://www.madkane.com/musichumor.html .
Here's one you may have missed:
"I'm Dubya The President" (Sung to the tune of "I'm Popeye The Sailor
Man")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
http://www.madkane.com/popeye.html
I'm Dubya the President.
I've always said what I meant.
When I yell "Stop terror!"
I'm never in error.
I'm Dubya the President.
I'm one tough old POTUS
Which hates those no vote us.
Wot ain't on the right and square.
I stiffs 'em and bluffs 'em
And always out-roughs 'em
And none of 'em gets nowhere
If anyone dares to risk my wrath
It's "Wham" and it's "Bam," un'erstan'?
So keep good behavior
And b'lieve in the Savior.
I'm Dubya and I'm the Man.
I'm Dubya the President.
I've always said what I meant.
When I yell "Stop terror!"
I'm never in error.
I'm Dubya the President.
(Verse 2)
I'm Dubya and I'm the boss.
Those liberals should just get lost.
My pals are all wealthy.
Who cares if you're healthy?
I'm Dubya and I'm the boss.
I'm one tough right winger
Which gives Dems the finger
While preachin' 'bout love and prayer.
I miff 'em and cuffs 'em
And always out-roughs 'em
And none of 'em gets nowhere.
If anyone dares to disagree
They're sent off to jail, un'erstan'?
So keep good behavior
And b'lieve in the Savior
I'm Dubya and I'm the man.
I'm Dubya and I'm the boss.
Those liberals should just get lost.
My pals are all wealthy.
Who cares if you're healthy?
I'm Dubya and I'm the boss.
(Verse 3)
I'm Dubya and I'm in charge.
And Clinton shouldn't be at large.
He caused Mideast's crisis
Like cute Condy Rice says.
I'm Dubya and I'm in charge.
I'm one true believer
And underachiever
Who got to the top, so there!
I'll stiff 'em and stuff 'em
And keep roughin' up 'em
Who think that I shouldn't be here.
If anyone dares to challenge me
They're traitors whose thoughts should be banned.
So keep good behavior
And b'lieve in the Savior
I'm Dubya and I'm the man.
I'm Dubya and I'm in charge.
And Clinton shouldn't be at large.
He caused Mideast's crisis
Like cute Condy Rice says.
I'm Dubya and I'm in charge.
Copyright Madeleine Begun Kane 2002. All Rights Reserved
(If you prefer to read I'm Dubya The President online, you can find it @
http://www.madkane.com/popeye.html )
*** DUBYA'S DAYLY DIARY Excerpts***
I promised you some Dubya's Dayly Diary. So here are some recent diary
entries:
April 18, 2002
Dear Diary -- Poppy got a nice honor in Berlin yesterday -- somethin ta
do with unification. Of course Laura thinks I should call & congratulate
the old man. Except then he'll lecture me again bout blowin Venezuela &
the Mideast mess. And I get enuff lectures from so-called world
leaders.
While he was pickin up his prize, I was at the VMI, givin a rousin
speech bout war & mayhem. The best part was where I talked bout
Operation Mountain Goat. And how we've got an Al Qaeda bigwig under
lock & key & plan ta give him lots more company.
All in all a pretty good day, if ya don't count Colin comin home
empty-handed. And my helecopter breakin down. And Ashy's losin the
Oregon suicide doctor case, which has got him real depressed. But not
depressed enough ta kill himself -- hahaha. I just hope he doesn't
write another song!
Which reminds me -- I think Uncle Jonathan's lost his mind. He's gonna
be singin & dancin in some Oklahoma production late this month. And if
Ashy doesn't start winnin some cases, I'll make him go.
April 22, 2002
Dear Diary -- Damn that Arlen Specter! He had the nerve ta say I should
take Bill Clinton up on his offer ta help with the Mideast mess. He even
said Clinton's advice would be invaluable. And he calls himself a
Republican? That guy's been spendin way too much time with Teddy
Kennedy.
Which reminds me -- Kennedy's back on my enemies list. He's been tellin
anyone who'll listen that my education budget won't pay fer my education
bill. I was hopin that if I gave him credit fer the bill, he wouldn't
notice.
But gettin back ta Specter, he isn't the only one pushin me ta take help
from ex-Prezes. A buncha other Hill people, includin some Republicans,
say I should send Carter, Clinton, & Poppy ta the Mideast. Just what
I need -- Presidential has-beens takin all my credit.
And speakina things I don't need, the damn Senate Foreign Relations
Committee is investigatin the Venezuela coup. I was hopin ta play the
national security & traitor cards ta stop it -- that usually works like
a charm. But Karl says not this time. Cause the Dems figure if the Wall
Street Journal can attack me, they can too.
I've gotta go ta upstate New York now and pretend ta celebrate Earth
Day. The good news is I get ta clear some trails. The bad news is I'm
stuck doin it with Pataki. Plus this isn't a good time ta be near
Canada.
TO READ MORE "3D" VISIT:
http://www.madkane.com/bush.html.
I hope you'll check in often to see Dubya's latest scribblings. But if
you'd prefer to read them one week at a time, please check out the "3D"
archives:
http://www.madkane.com/busharchives.html.
*** MADLINES QUIZ QUESTIONS ***
Here's my latest MadLines Quiz based on real (albeit offbeat) headlines
that recently appeared in the news. In each of the two headline batches
below, three out of four items are real. Which headline in each batch is
the product of my own "Mad"ness? (You'll find the answers near the end
of this newsletter.)
BATCH 1
(a) Bikini-wearing whip-wielding man 'steals taxi'...
(b) Ant supercolony dominates Asia...
(c) Police use cameras to protect cameras...
(d) Farmer gets support for bra fence...
BATCH 2
(a) Police fine cyclist for not wearing seatbelt...
(b) Protecting Driving Examiners From Attacks...
(c) Police chief 'set fire to win back ex-girlfriend'...
(d) Painting Discovered by Boy Worth $800,000?
No cheating now!
*** MADPICKS ***
Here are my latest MadPick Award Winners. I hope you'll enjoy visiting
these excellent sites:
BrokenNewz.com @ http://www.brokennewz.com This entertaining satire site
promises that "When New Breaks, We Fix It." I, for one, can't resist a
site that warns: "Broken Newz is only intended for a mature audience,
and not for our Mothers either."
ToonToons.com @ http://www.toontoons.com Comedy monologues and cartoons
written and illustrated by Gary Hogg.
First Blush @ http://firstblush.cafeprogressive.com/fb/firstBlush.html
For some reason, most of the poltical news weblogs (at least the ones I
keep hearing about) have a right of center point of view. At last,
here's one that doesn't.
The Toque @ http://www.thetoque.com This funny Canadian satire site will
target everyone, even our beloved Oprah. But then I've targeted Oprah.
Maybe The Toque and I should duke it out.
Christine Lavin @ http://www.christinelavin.com Christine Lavin is a
terrific singer/song writer and a very funny lady.
The News' Dark Time @ http://www.newsdarktime.com The publisher of this
liberal publication believes that, "It's been the Dark Time for News for
a few years now." It offers "some of the news that's not fit to
print."
For these and other MadPicks visit: http://www.madkane.com/madpicks.html
And don't forget to scroll down for categorized links.
*** MADLINES QUIZ ANSWERS ***
So are you ready for the answers to the "MadLines" Quiz?
Are you sure?
Okay, all of the headlines in Batch 1 are real except...
(b) Ant supercolony dominates Asia.... (It's dominating Europe.)
All of the headlines in Batch 2 are real except...
(d) Painting Discovered by Boy Worth $800,000? (It's more like a
million.)
If you'd like to keep up with offbeat news items like that (so you ace
my next quiz) visit:
http://www.madkane.com/offbeat.html
That's it for this issue. For more humor about everything from marriage,
money, and cars to computers, privacy, and politics, please stop by
http://www.madkane.com and check out my Latest Humor Page @
http://www.madkane.com/Latest.html. And don't forget about Dubya's Dayly
Diary at http://www.madkane.com/bush.html .
Please help spread the word by forwarding this newsletter to anyone you
think may enjoy it. Thanks and enjoy!
Mad Kane
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Madeleine Begun Kane, Humor Columnist
http://www.madkane.com
MadK-@MadKane.com
Subscribe: mailto:madkane-s-@topica.com
Copyright 2002 Madeleine Begun Kane
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