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MadKane Humor -- Dubya Diary & Ashcroft Song Parody
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Madeleine Begun Kane
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May 15, 2002 10:57 PDT
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Dear Friends:
Hi and welcome to another issue of MadKane Humor. And a special welcome
to everyone who's new to MadKane.com @ http://www.madkane.com and to
Dubya's Dayly Diary @ http://www.madkane.com/bush.html. (If you got
this from a friend and would like your very own free subscription, just
send a blank email to madkane-s-@topica.com.)
Okay, it's time for some humor. Here's what you'll find in this issue:
* WELCOME NOTE (That thing you just read.)
* RAISING KANE HUMOR (Ashcroft's Favorite Things -- Song Parody Sung to
"My Favorite Things")
* MAD SEARCHES
* DUBYA'S DAYLY DIARY EXCERPTS
* MADLINES QUIZ QUESTIONS
* MADPICKS SITE REVIEWS
* MADLINES QUIZ ANSWERS
* GOOD-BYE NOTE (Begging you to help spread the word.)
*** RAISING KANE HUMOR ***
I've been writing lots of political song parodies lately, including "Hey
Hughes" sung to "Hey Jude," which you can find on my Music Humor Page:
http://www.madkane.com/musichumor.html
Here's my latest song parody:
"Ashcroft's Favorite Things" (Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things"
from "The Sound of Music")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
http://www.madkane.com/favoritethings.html
Rifles and roscoes and Winch'sters and cannons,
Rich NRA guys who own lots of weapons,
Generous men to whose pockets I cling,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Shotguns and pump guns and side arms at gun shows,
Aiming at targets, I'm well stocked with ammo,
Wild geese that fly till I shoot off their wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Pistols and bullets and Uzis and Lugers,
Guns locked and loaded, hands poised on those triggers,
Silver white deer that are prime for a kill,
Look, I just got one way up on that hill.
When the court rules
Dead against me,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel, so bad.
Changing the law is my dearest desire.
Limiting handguns just raises my ire.
Bearing arms is my most favorite right.
Just try to stop me, you're in for a fight.
Drop most amendments from our Constitution.
Dumping the first would be ever so much fun.
Numero five isn't worth even beans.
Now I'll explain what the second one means.
Bearing arms isn't just for state militias.
Judges and courts do not know what that clause does.
Private gun rights are preserved by the law.
That's what the Second Amendment is for.
When the court rules
Dead against me,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel, so bad.
Copyright Madeleine Begun Kane 2002. All Rights Reserved
(If you prefer to read Ashcroft's Favorite Things online, you can find
it @
http://www.madkane.com/favoritethings.html )
*** MAD SEARCHES ***
This feature could also be called "How The Heck Did They Find Me?" I'm
talking about search engines, of course, and the strange search phrases
that somehow lead people to MadKane.com. Now you'd expect visitors to
find me via search terms like "humor columnist," "Dubya humor," and
"political writer." And of course they do. But surfers also land on my
site using search queries that are a bit more surprising. Queries like:
Stuff about government nobody knows (If you find this, please let me
know.)
Lyrics to i wanna barbecue bin laden (Doesn't sound appetizing to me.)
Someone needs to deck ken lay (Sounds like a good start.)
Sex matters (No argument from me.)
Games for 11 year old boys (All I can say is -- Huh???)
Woodstock 1969 Grateful Dead (This searcher is seriously lost.)
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WANT MORE HUMOR? Subscribe to the funny columns of
Melvin Durai, Chandra Clarke, Dave Glardon and Amy Chavez
here: http://www.madkane.com/otherhumornewsletters.html
Life's a Stitch: The Best of Contemporary Women's Humor
http://www.madkane.com/lifesastitch.html
Absolute Riot -- http://www.absoluteriot.com
Entertaining Gateway to the
Funniest Writers on the Internet.
They're an absolute riot!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
*** DUBYA'S DAYLY DIARY Excerpts***
I promised you some Dubya's Dayly Diary. So here are some recent diary
entries:
May 2, 2002
Dear Diary -- I met with VP Hu yesterday and it went real good, even
though it involved frustratin foreign policy stuff. And this time I even
remembered not ta call Taiwan a country.
Which reminds me -- a funny thing happened Tuesday when Condy came in ta
coach me on Chinese nuance nonsense. I told her I wasn't in the mood &
said "Can't we do this next week?" But she said, "No, cause tomorrow
you're meeting with who." Then I said, "I don't know who." Then she
said, "Yes you do -- you met who when you went ta Asia." Anyway, we went
back & forth like that fer a long time, till Dick came in & said, "Cut
the Abbott & Costello crap & get down ta work!"
Speakina Asia, I'm real mad at North Korea. Okay, I'm always mad at
North Korea, but now I'm even madder. Cause they invited Bill Clinton ta
visit Pyongyang & do some mediatin. I bet they did it just ta make me
look bad.
Clinton'll probably say yes just ta spite me fer not lettin him help out
with the Mideast. And also on accounta the legacy thing. I've gotta ask
Ashy if I can keep Clinton from leavin the country.
On the other hand, that guy makes me crazy no matter where the hell he
is. Though not crazy enuff ta need the mental health coverage I've been
talkin up big time. Jeez, I really hate supportin stuff like mental
health insurance & Medicare coverage for Alzheimer's disease. But I
haveta cause Poppy's got a lot ridin on Beverly -- which I was relieved
ta hear is a nursin home company & not a woman.
May 7, 2002
Dear Diary -- What's happenin ta my perfectly tight ship? White or some
underling went ta Congress behind Rummy's back & made noise bout him
dumpin that Crusader thing they're so attached ta. So Ashy wants ta dump
White, even though we've been hopin ta embarass White inta leavin
volunteerlike. But no matter what we do, he refuses ta get embarassed!
And if that wasn't bad enuff, the damned INS turned over Ashy's favorite
top-secret document ta the GAO. That damn list of 9/11 detainees was
supposta be locked up just as tight as the detainees.
Ashy figures Ziglar did it on purpose outta spite, & I bet he's right.
All I can say is Ziglar sure is lucky Ashy's a religious man. Cause
Ashy's really strong when he gets mad.
And speakena mad, Dick's still mad at me bout the "peein on the Oval
Office door" pic I showed at the Correspondents dinner. And of course
wifey Lynne's mad bout that too & bout the whole Ozzy Osbourne business.
But then Lynne's pretty much always mad.
Anyway, I don't see what the big deal is bout that Dick photo. Besides,
I had ta do somethin funny, & they wouldn't let me show any more neked
pics a Jeb on accounta he wants ta be Prez some day, just like me.
But at least there's some good news -- On Friday we pulled off a Clean
Water Act change that should drive the green types crazy. And Nobody
Noticed! The press was too busy havin a good ol time at the
Correspondents dinner ta pay it no mind. That Karl's a schedulin genius!
Of course I'd be a whole lot happier without Sharon on my schedule.
Dealing with centuries and years a hatred is real hard! And that feller
is even madder than Dick, Ashy, Lynne, & Rummy combined.
May 9, 2002
Dear Diary -- That damn Jimmy Carter's been spoutin off against my
missile shield. I should fix his wagon by changin his Cuba ticket ta one
way.
And speakina sending Presidential has-beens outta the country, they made
me make nice ta Clinton on accounta me blamin him fer the Mideast mess,
even though I still say it's his fault. So I had ta let Condy invite him
ta lead a delegation ta Timor. I thought fer sure he'd say no, but he
didn't. I guess the poor guy's desperate fer attention now that he's not
gettin that Oprah TV show.
Anyway, I'm still mad that so many people wanted me ta let him help out
with the Mideast. Though things went so bad with Sharon Tuesday, that I
sure coulda used some help. Not that I'm about ta admit it!
Of course I can always say if it wasn't fer that last terrorist attack,
I woulda had everyone right on the road ta a path ta talkin bout peace.
At least I did get Arafat ta say somethin bad bout terrorism. And I even
managed ta pronounce it an incredibly positive development -- with a
straight face!
I've gotta go now & meet with Powell, who's turnin out ta be a real odd
bird. He's been in an extra bad mood lately. And when I asked why, he
grumbled somethin bout ducks flyin the coop. I figured he was talkin
bout escaped prisoners. But it turns out he was talkin bout real ducks.
May 10, 2002
Dear Diary -- I've got great news -- That mean Ferrell guy who pretends
ta be me on Saturday Night Live is leavin the show. I guess he isn't man
enuff ta impersonate a popular wartime Prez.
I still think imitatin me shouldn't be legal. But Ashy says it is, &
that me signin a reg sayin otherwise wouldn't fly on accounta the damn
1st amendment. I don't understand why not -- it worked like magic with
the Presidential papers.
Anyway, I'll never ferget the time I caught Laura & the twins laughin at
some Ferrell routine when they thought I wasn't lookin. Of course I gave
em all the silent treatment fer almost a week. But they still claim they
were really laughin at the guy doin Gore.
Speakina Laura, she's real nervous bout next week's trip ta Europe &
other countries. It's the first time she'll be representin me abroad &
she's worried she'll make a mistake. But I told her, "You'll be fine --
just don't say anything I wouldn't say."
TO READ MORE "3D" VISIT:
http://www.madkane.com/bush.html.
I hope you'll check in often to see Dubya's latest scribblings. But if
you'd prefer to read them one week at a time, please check out the "3D"
archives:
http://www.madkane.com/busharchives.html.
*** MADLINES QUIZ QUESTIONS ***
Here's my latest MadLines Quiz based on real (albeit offbeat) headlines
that recently appeared in the news. In each of the two headline batches
below, three out of four items are real. Which headline in each batch is
the product of my own "Mad"ness? (You'll find the answers near the end
of this newsletter.)
BATCH 1
(a) 'Noxious fluid' causing office evacuation was gin...
(b) Burglar pretended to be shop mannequin...
(c) Church tells 'half-naked' brides to cover up...
(d) 'Naked burglar left driving license in trouser pocket'...
BATCH 2
(a) Driver caught speeding twice in one minute...
(b) Excellence in Education ad has 17 grammatical errors...
(c) Prostitute 'bites off customer's finger when he refuses to pay'...
(c) Royal couple suffer burns in TV interview...
No cheating now!
*** MADPICKS ***
Here are some of my latest MadPick Award Winners. I hope you'll enjoy
visiting these excellent sites:
DubyaSpeak.com @ http://www.DubyaSpeak.com A comprehensive,
entertaining, and sometimes frightening collection of memorable Dubya
utterances, organized topically. It's constantly updated, so visit often
and contribute your own favorite Bush quotes.
Witworld/Witnews Witworld @ http://www.geocities.com/witworld/ is home
to the entertaining Witnews Humor Weekly (WHW) ezine. WHW zeroes in on
the ludicrous, the silly, or the just plain inane aspects of top news
stories.
Business & Safety Cartoons by Goff @ http://www.tedgoff.com/ Hundreds of
cartoons searchable by topic or keyword, for use in presentations and
newsletters. Very funny stuff!
The Missing Link @
http://info.alexa.com/data/destination_site/missing_link An entertaining
and informative weekly column by Yahoo Internet Life "Surf Guru,"
Charles Pappas.
BushGrammar.com @ http://www.BushGrammar.com A Bush quote resource with
an unusual twist -- the quotes are marked up and corrected for
grammatical errors in script.
For these and other MadPicks visit: http://www.madkane.com/madpicks.html
And don't forget to scroll down for categorized links.
*** MADLINES QUIZ ANSWERS ***
So are you ready for the answers to the "MadLines" Quiz?
Are you sure?
Okay, all of the headlines in Batch 1 are real except...
(a) 'Noxious fluid' causing office evacuation was gin... (It was really
vodka.)
All of the headlines in Batch 2 are real except...
(b) Excellence in Education ad has 17 grammatical errors... (It actually
had an impressive 21 errors.)
If you'd like to keep up with offbeat news items like that (so you ace
my next quiz) visit:
http://www.madkane.com/offbeat.html
That's it for this issue. For more humor about everything from marriage,
money, and cars to computers, privacy, and politics, please stop by
http://www.madkane.com and check out my Latest Humor Page @
http://www.madkane.com/Latest.html. And don't forget about Dubya's Dayly
Diary at http://www.madkane.com/bush.html .
Please help spread the word by forwarding this newsletter to anyone you
think may enjoy it. Thanks and enjoy!
Mad Kane
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Madeleine Begun Kane, Humor Columnist
http://www.madkane.com
Subscribe: http://www.madkane.com/email.html
Contact: MadK-@MadKane.com
Copyright 2002 Madeleine Begun Kane
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